I hate dogs.
I hate dogs as much as [8thof7] hates cats.
I hate the smell their spittle leaves on my hand when they lick me. I hate their ADD-like need for constant attention, which drives them to lick me. I hate how when I try to push their faces out of my crotch, they merely wag their tails and lick me. I hate the social boundaries that proscribe inflicting grievous bodily harm on the dogs that lick me.
I have devised a passive form of crotch-sniffing prevention, that I would like to offer to all fellow dog-haters:
An underwear-like outer-garment covered in alternately negative and positive electrodes spaced a little less than a dog's-nose-width apart. Waist-band battery has enough charge for 10-15 yelp-inducing capacitor discharges.-- MikeD, Apr 24 2011 diagnosis dogs http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-12322790btw there is a debate going on over here (UK) about the banning of a dog collar that gives the dog a shock for bad behaviour. I'd prefer to see the badly behaved owner shocked. [po, Apr 25 2011] Dog-gone Dog-gone_20Trousersanother way to shift them [xenzag, Apr 25 2011] I'd wear a pair to my friend house. She has 3 "sniffers". I hate it. +-- blissmiss, Apr 24 2011 [+] for somebody else wearing one, somewhere else, with unintended consequences.-- FlyingToaster, Apr 24 2011 Bun for idea and for design and for writing.
Can I get one for my cat's backside? The dog checks on his health at every opportunity, which is their own damn business, but last night I was on the couch petting the dog when the cat got within range.
Boy, was my face red.
Then, after the cat finally left, my face was licked.
Almost.
Fear gave me wings.
And the dog a flying experience.-- baconbrain, Apr 24 2011 //Can I get one for my cat's backside?//
T'would keep your dog from licking your cat, but would also keep your cat from licking your cat.-- MikeD, Apr 25 2011 Dusting your crotch with chilli powder might help too.
Careful with those joules near your jewels, or you'll have a hunk-a-hunk-a burning love.-- spidermother, Apr 25 2011 Is that a stungun in your pants or are you happy to see my dog.-- rcarty, Apr 25 2011 Assumin MikeD to be a scheming evildoer along the lines of Brain (of Pinky and the Brain fame), there is only one direction the episode featuring a crotchmounted shock device could take. I envision MikeD as Brain, seated on the park bench, legs akimbo, chuckling menacingly at the friendly lab approaching, while alongside him Pinky loses his grip on his 128 ounce Electrolytaid (with ice).-- bungston, Apr 25 2011 //the friendly lab approaching// Hopefully not Dexter's Lab...-- 4whom, Apr 25 2011 //they merely wag their tales and lick me// There is a story in that...-- 4whom, Apr 25 2011 heh-- blissmiss, Apr 25 2011 You know, Mike, sometimes it is not the dog that wags the //tale//...-- 4whom, Apr 25 2011 You want to give dogs electric shocks? What’s wrong with you! Oh wait, you hate them. Maybe something less violent: a bad smell or taste perhaps?-- ojsx, Apr 26 2011 "Aww, somebody needs a hug, c'mere ya big lug." <attempts to give [MikeD] a manly man-hug while making sure not to lick his cheek>-- 2 fries shy of a happy meal, Apr 26 2011 I had a dog with quite a tale. 21 adventurous years he lived, chasing away invading cars, tractors, horses; would've lived longer if the puppy we bought hadn't started gnawing his tail raw and generally bugging him to death.-- RayfordSteele, Apr 26 2011 2 fries, I thought you were gonna say lick his crotch, yup, I did.-- blissmiss, Apr 26 2011 I have not voted because I love dogs, but those annoying crotch smellers should have something to keep them in control if their humans cannot...-- xandram, Apr 26 2011 something that would send sniffers, tail between legs, over into the corner to cower in fear... yup, I don't even dislike dogs and that sounds good... something that implies the ability to benchpress a couple hundred pounds with your penis; an intimation of black-belt mastery of cock-fu as it were.-- FlyingToaster, Apr 26 2011 //it is not the dog that wags the //tale//...//
Yes, one of those subtle clues that, without the aid of a spell-checker, I would be considered a complete idiot.
//if you'd stop putting peanut butter on your crotch...//
<Voice of Sean Connery>
Why ever would I want to do that, master [Quest]? After all, that's how I met your mother.
<VoSC/>-- MikeD, Apr 26 2011 Not in this lifetime [bliss].Have you ever noticed how dogs don't seem to nose the crotches of folks that like them? It's entertaining as heck watching them zero in on dog dislikers once you realize that they do it on purpose.-- 2 fries shy of a happy meal, Apr 26 2011 How the fuck can you hate dogs?
I ask myself constantly ...-- nomocrow, Apr 27 2011 That's an interesting observation 2fries. Although it's likely people who like dogs intercept them with petting and treats before they can nuzzle with their groins.-- rcarty, Apr 27 2011 //How the fuck can you hate dogs?// In excactly the same way as you can hate cats. Interactions with these animals, that (almost said whom) have been a large part of the reason we swung down from the lowest hanging branches of evolution in the first place, are often attributed to the beast in question, dog or cat. What we don't (but did) understand is that it is often our action/inaction/reaction that induces a response from these organisms. As I said earlier, it is sometimes the tail that wags the dog.-- 4whom, Apr 27 2011 Cats are too busy eating crow...-- 4whom, Apr 27 2011 Crows are pretty smart. How often does a cat get to eat one?-- mouseposture, Apr 28 2011 I know dogs are all snuffly and waggy and cool, but I really only have one because my daughters wanted it. The dog worships me, which I find kind of annoying and pathetic.-- nomocrow, Apr 29 2011 Would you feel better if the dog despised you?-- mouseposture, Apr 30 2011 //Would you feel better if the dog despised you?//
I appreciate cats for thier aloofness, and ungratefull indifference towards me. They are usually only nice when they want something... kinda like a woman.
If I could train a cat to shit outside, I might even preffer a cat to a woman.-- MikeD, Apr 30 2011 [mouseposture], once upon a time there were seven large kittens / small cats growing up at my mom's house. I came by one day to find the remains of one crow scattered over the front lawn, liberally mixed in with cat fur.
There were limping and complaining cats picking through the pieces, not a one of them unmarked, but triumphant. I wish I'd got there early enough to see the fight.-- normzone, May 01 2011 At seven-to-one odds, I'm not surprised.-- mouseposture, May 02 2011 Cats are "scene", not "herd"...-- 4whom, May 03 2011 random, halfbakery