Sick club

The world is awash with Health Clubs, where you can sit glowing over your spirulina yoghourt smoothie while you tell your friend(s) about your plans to swim Ben Nevis or bungee- jump across the Sahara.

However, at any one time, 7.7% of people are poorly - perhaps a cold, or a bad stomach, or a sprained ankle that's really much worse than it looks. For these people, there are Sick Clubs.

As you enter the club, you'll be greeted by a slightly overweight northern woman who looks like she's been left outdoors too often, with words to the effect of "Ooh, chuck, you look rough. Are you comin' down wit' summat?". Once you've explained that you've got a bit of a cold, you'll get something like "Eeeh, y' poor lamb, y' look dreadful. Come in 'ere and we'll get y' sorted."

On entering the Club, you'll find the members' lounge - it is in fact the only room in the Club - dotted with incredibly comfy chairs. Plomp yourself down in one of them, and wait for an attendant to bring you whichever you desire out of duvet, hot water bottle, warm foot-bath or hot honey and lemon drink. Depending on whether you're feeling shivery or overheated, you can sit in front of a roaring log fire, or in a cooling spring breeze with a hint of lavender in it.

Relax, and share your miseries with other red-nosed, bleary- eyed sufferers of minor ailments. Compare notes, swap medical advice, and generally soak up sympathy from the ever-attentive staff.