Inquisition Mail Sorter

Here in America, junk mail is an uholy curse on our nation. Other countries, I understand, can request not to recieve mail, or opt out of it somehow. In America, postmasters vow that neither rain nor sleet nor war nor peace shall keep them from delivering a fat wad of cheap advertisments that I'll never look at to my mailbox every day. This is what pays the rent for the post office, but I don't want any of it.

Tucked inside this huge pile of dead trees there are one or two letters actually addressed to me. These tend to be bills, which I am not too particular about either. Honestly, all of these are abhorrent, and anathema to me.

The Holy Inquisition, as held in Spain, and other nations had a similar problem with unwanted documents. They had too many books, and soon discovered that by dropping the books one by one into a fire, the unholy books would be instantly drawn to the fires as of hell, while the holy texts would be wafted on the wings of the angels free of the tormenting flames.

Thus, I need only install a gas-powered incenerator to my mailbox stand, and place a letter slot on both ends of the mailbox. Now, when that servant of satan the letter carrier delivers my mail, the closing of the door starts the incenerator.

Those wicked and vile mailers are drawn down towards satan's own, and burn in the fires as of hell, while the holy writ destined to reach my eyes rise up on the billowing smoke, rescued as by the angels. These lettes are wafted out the second letter slot and drawn across the yard to land safely at my doorstep.

Incorrectly addressed letters destined for the eyes of man will be similarly saved, being wafted out the front letter slot, into the postman's hand, with a slight char mark reading "Incorrect address."

Divine intervention is a beautiful thing, isn't it?