Dating Loophole

(Please note that the following is not suitable reading for women.)

Side-Shield brand laminated fat pads are my greatest, and perhaps most diabolical invention. To really appreciate the possibilities, you have to have a deep understanding of the male physiology, and an even deeper insight into female psychology. Permit me to educate you:

First, it is important to realize that fat cells are actually far more powerful than muscle cells. Fat cells never die and are always hungry. They actually subvert the brain and make you eat things that you don’t want to eat. Short of being trapped in a vegetable bin, it is impossible to lose fat, you are what you are now, the gym won’t make any difference. In contrast, muscle cells are like Moldovian laborers on a hot day. Muscle cells just don’t want to work, and if you make them work, they often get sick and die. It is very difficult to make muscles bigger by working out. Gyms often install trick mirrors to fool their customers. That is all you have to know about male physiology. I think that you will agree that it is revolutionary.

Second, you may be surprised to learn that women are not attracted to muscle-bound men. The reason for this is that these men have muscles because they have excess testosterone circulating in their blood. Women don’t like to be constantly fending off sexual advances, and these mesomorphs are always hitting on women – they can’t help themselves, it’s the hormones. When you see a good looking woman with a guy with rippling muscles, your first inclination is to think that that woman was attracted to that man because of his physique. But this is not the case. A deeper thinker, such as myself, realizes that that woman is with that man in spite of his physique. In fact, he may not even have had the body when he first met the woman – which is the crux of my invention.

While women avoid talking to muscle guys, to avoid come-ons, women love to talk to fat guys. Fat guys don’t have a chance of scoring, and they know it. In fact, fat guys are generally fat because they don’t have testosterone, so they don’t even care if they don’t have sex. Also, fat people are generally thought of as genial and easy to talk to… you can see where I am going with this – what I want to do is to turn the average ectomorphic or mesomorphic Joe into a Trojan Horse. Picture this: you are a recent college graduate, moving into a new area. You move into an apartment complex. The first day, you strap on my Side-Shield brand laminated fat pads, and waddle out to the pool (wearing a shirt, of course). Every woman there wants to talk to you, even if its just because they feel sorry for you. People are always inviting you to dinner – which is just a bonus. Pretty soon you know a lot of women fairly well. Then its time to start letting out that maybe its time to start working out. Everyone will say that that is a great idea – but they will secretly think that it is a terrible idea, since nobody can ever really lose weight.

Now you see how diabolical this is. Every week you remove a layer of the Side-Shields. Within six weeks, sooner if horny, you will be back to your normal lightweight self. Along the way your women friends will, without even noticing that you are losing weight, begin to think that you are better looking than they first thought, and that you might actually be dateable. Of course, you must never ever get fully unclothed before removing all of the Side-Shields; or else the warranty will be null and void.