Xiphoid Cellphone

Barbarians rarely use cellphones. The reason for this is obvious - chatting away with a cellphone in his hand, the barbarian would be vulnerable to a surprise attack, since he would have to drop his phone before drawing his sword, slowing his reaction time.

Even if he wins the fight, his cellphone may be damaged from the fall. This would make the barbarian angry, but with his foe already dead, he would have no-one to vent his rage upon.

For these reasons (and a few other minor ones involving the state of barbarian-era technology, the impossibility of time travel, and suchlike), the barbarian market has remained untapped by the cellphone industry.

Until now.

The Xiphoid Cellphone is a sword which has a cellphone built into the guard. One half of the guard contains the keys, the other half the speaker, with the mouthpiece in the centre. The antenna running through the blade ensures crystal-clear reception anywhere, from desolate plains to remote mountain passes.

The speaker is loud enough that the barbarian can hear the other person clearly as he crouches warily, sword held in front of his face, carrying out his conversation while poised to defend himself against his foes.

Available now from your nearest swordsmith.