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Many homes are equipped with simple protective devices such as first aid kits, fire extinguishers and blankets, perhaps firearms for home defence.
But it is received wisdom that, whenever the Undead are on the loose in large numbers, no-one is prepared, resulting in a lot of running about, screaming,
and gore.
Now, BorgCo can offer the foreward-thinking householder a real alternative to dying a grisly death, or worse, not dying. Simply send off for your Undead Home Proetction Kit, which will be delivered to your door by courier within 48 hours.
The kit is a sturdy brightly-colured plastic box, about the size of a large suitcase. It is clearly marked with luminescent panels to allow it to be located quicly during the inevitable power cut/lightning storm/meteorite shower.
On breaking the seal, and opening the lid, a further luminescent marker shows the location of a push-button on-switch for the internal light. Turning on the light allows a clear view of the contents:
On top is a plastic folder containing diagrammatic and large-print instructions in the language of choice. Underneath this are a number of pictographically-labelled compartments, to be opened depending on the nature of the threat.
For example, lift the lid with the picture of the wolf on it. Beneath, you will find a .38 special hammerless Smith and Wesson snub-nose revolver, preloaded, and 50 rounds of silver-jacketed soft-nosed ammuntion. Beside it is a cartridge-loading water pisto/hypodermic injector, CO2 bulbs, and half a dozen vials of Wolfsbane solution.
Under the bat symbol is a pack of vacuum-packed garlic, half a dozen stakes, a mallet, and another pistol/hypodermic; but this time, the vials are filled with Holy Water.
Under the Zombie symbol, there is a variety of Carribean herbs and spices, a cricket bat, a small chainsaw, and a can of premixed 2-stroke fuel.
Look under the Mummy flap, and this time the pressure gun is a minature flamethrower, along with a pair of toughened steel wirecutters (The trick is to sneak up behind the mummy and cut the safety pins holding the bandages. Once they start to unravel, mummies tend to trip over their own feet, and are easy to despatch).
In the centre is a lid marked "?" containing generic items: A selction of crucifixes and other religious symbols, a variety of taboo foods (in case of Muslim, Hindu or Jewish vampires), a bell, book and candle,. a selection of holy books from all the major religions, a video camera, latex gloves, a flashlight and batteries, distress flares, and contact details for a number of legal practices specialising in mental health cases, because local law enforcement are NEVER going to believe you ......
zombie survival kits
http://images.googl...&btnG=Search+Images
[Laughs Last, Nov 06 2008]
Subchairian dwarf
Ringsmoke
[Zen Tom] introduction of the subchairian dwarf to HB. [theGem, Nov 07 2008]
How to be a dick.
iPhone_20flight_20controls
Volume 1 [Giblet, Nov 09 2008]
Londo Mollari
http://en.wikipedia.../wiki/Londo_Mollari
For those confused by the reference. [DrBob, Nov 10 2008]
FISH
http://en.wikipedia.../wiki/Urban_warfare
"Fighting in Someone's House" [8th of 7, Nov 10 2008]
In case of ambiguous encounters with the undead.
_27how_20to_20tell_...0you_27re_20dead_27
flame piss shelf tan lotion. [daseva, Nov 11 2008]
Hellfare
http://irrationalth...08/11/hellfare.html
[quantum_flux, Nov 15 2008]
another vampire kit
http://gizmodo.com/...amps-too-251658.php
[Voice, Nov 18 2008]
Not as foolish as it sounds ...
http://news.bbc.co....ci/tech/8206280.stm
Some scientists are taking this seriously. [8th of 7, Aug 19 2009]
Victorian vampire- slaying kit up for auction in Yorkshire
http://www.bbc.co.u...-yorkshire-18367300
Prior Art! Who would have thought it … ? [8th of 7, Jun 08 2012]
Anti-Zombie ammunition a best seller
http://www.news.com...rfku0-1226390166634
[AusCan531, Jun 10 2012]
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needs: voodoo--herbs and books. ghosts--shintoist incense and a minerature shrine. "spirits"-- shishi lion with open mouth. demons--book on exorcism rites and equipment. |
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You mean -- uh -- you mean, this is something that duct tape isn't any good for? |
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// incase of shark attack // |
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Ah, you want the marine version; fully equipped for dealing with Monster Giant Squid, Ghost Ships, Great White Sharks, and Zombie Pirates. |
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If you buy the Home and Boat kits at the same time, you get a discount. |
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Don't worry, [lurch], there is a roll of duct tape in the "miscelaneous" section. |
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Well actually duct tape could be very effective to
immobilize them. Your classic Zombie is slow and plodding
as in "Night of the Living Dead" (1968 not the 1990 color
remake) so it would be very easy for a quick footed
subchairian dwarf (link) to tape the legs of
one or more of them together thus causing them to take a
tumble. You then position yourself behind the fallen and
watch the rest trip over them all pile up as they come
after you. But watch your back. |
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However if you are dealing with a mutated faster Zombie
then you have to resort to deception. You wrap the duct
tape totally around your body and walk like the classic
mummy as in "The Mummy" (1932 Boris Karloff not the 1999
Brendan Fraser remake) and the mutated Zombies will turn
up their noses at you and breeze past. |
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//Look under the Mummy flap//
Eeew! |
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[zen_tom] recently bought a metre long 18th century British cavalry cutlass *just in case* there ever is a zombie apocalypse and he has
nothing to repel them with from his flat. |
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Sounds like [zen tom] has his wits about him.
Thus far my zombie survival kit is ridiculously unprepared, it includes a survival guide written by some SAS guy, a first aid kit and manual, a zombie survival guide (although frankly I think there are one or two things even this book doesn't consider), a bowling pin (in the absence of any worthwhile weapon) and various minor additions such as tape, string, torches etc. |
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You may want to consider that, especially in the case of zombie apocalypse, this suitcase will essentially be a beacon, bringing every corpse within 20 miles shuffling to your position, and that chainsaws aren't really your best bet in said apocalypse. |
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I'd also like to mention that //Under the bat symbol is//... the city of Gotham in distress. |
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[8th of 7], you need to get out more and meet
"people". Yes, most of them will run away because
you smell bad and your mother makes you dress
funny, but keep at it. It's called "society"
(apparently). |
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If you find any, please ley us know where it
is. |
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<Resumes editing idea that is unoriginal and
merely an expanse on the current zombie trend
which has been beaten to death> |
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Surviving any apocalypse is all about community awareness, though. After you've chainsawed your way through a bunch of zombies... well, you're still alive, sure. But who's going to do your dental work? |
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Rather than a suitcase, I suggest government issue trailers for neighborhoods, organizer training, and municipal contingency protocols, etc. Ooh, and some of those ridiculous tranq guns like they have in Jurassic Park. |
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We aren't "zombies", we are very much alive, thankyou .... |
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Sounds like someone is bearing a grudge...... probably needs to wheel it round on a handcart too, which must be awkward - what with that huge chip on his shoulder and all ...... |
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My comment was a word by word quote, including
spelling mistakes, of what you said to me merely
for commenting on someone else's idea up until
the parenthesis. I was wondering what your
grudge was and why you were such a dick. When
asked in the same space, you didn't answer. |
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My grudge is against your lack of dealing with your
ignorant remarks when confronted. |
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I was just returning the dicking. |
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I've been coming here for many many years and
have never had anyone act that way ever to me,
even though I have been in heated debates. |
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see the link in case you forgot. |
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Where can I get one and how much? [+] |
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The dicking? Oh, it's free. Just act an arsehole around here. |
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<Londo Mollari> "Ladies, please...continue" </LM>
[follows Giblet's link]
Giblet, I know that owning an i-Anything is probably a great source of shame to you, your friends & your family but cutting off your arm seems like an over-reaction. |
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[DrBob] you've made my day, if I had to hold a dinner party for fictional characters, Londo would be one of the first on my list. |
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Oh, and [theleopard] it turns out that a wickedly sharpened, metre-long strip of tempered steel designed for wildly metering out indiscriminate death during a cavalry charge is actually more than a bit tricky to manoeuvre threateningly within the confines of my flat - either I need to find a smaller sword, or I'm going to have to get myself a bigger flat. |
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Shelagh, you're not wrong - a sabre it is - but a cutlass would be much better for confined zombie stabbage. |
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// wickedly sharpened.... steel designed for .... death during a cavalry charge // |
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<Tucks thumbs in waistcoat pockets> |
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<Stares at [zen_tom] over gold-rimmed half-moon glasses> |
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A cavalry sword is, contrary to popular belief, NOT sharp. It is, however, very heavy. |
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Cavalry swords are intended to inflict blunt-force trauma (crushing) injuries. The momentum onf the horse and rider, combined with the heavy, curved blade, causes major fractures in the upper skeleton, principally arms, ribs, collarbone and skull. Such injuries to not have to be fatal to be sufficent to remove the target from the battle as an effective. |
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Sharp swords, which would cut through clothing and tissue, have a tendency to "lock" when they cut deep into major bones. The result is that the cavalryman suddenly finds the additional mass of his target literally attached to his sword. He must either then (a) release his grip on the sword, disarming himself, or (b) risk being unhorsed, with his primary weapon disabled. |
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<turns over page of lecture notes> |
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<places new sheet on OHP> |
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// A cutlass at close quarters // |
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Most edged weapons are fearsome at close quarters; their major problem is that they are ONLY fearsome at close quarters. Unless you are a highly skilled practitioner, even knives and throwing spears have relatively short effective ranges. |
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Edged weapons are useful for FISH <link> |
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//Edged weapons are useful for FISH//
No, no, no - you might slash the curtains. |
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Don't think of it as damage, think of it as a fashion statement. |
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It's just that 8th of 7 hastes the iPhone so much,
it's mere mention makes him go off like a child. |
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Then like a child, refuses to deal with what he
said when confronted. |
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It's a shame, for the most part I like your ideas and
comments. |
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Sorry [Giblet] I don't get it. Where does the iPhone come into this idea? |
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Include my book in case you get bit <linky>. |
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We will wrestle him, naked, in custard, if it will stop him whining. |
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I don't see mirror anywhere. They are useful for identifying vampires, checking for signs of life (hopefully none), and touching up mascara after a fight |
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Of course you could always just join the undead. I imagine that sometimes it's fun to walk around eating live brains. You know, there are descent hardworking people who become zombies too, so why should they have to suffer from borg attack just because you're selfish and want to keep your little basketball shaped brain to yourself? Geeze, it's like nobody even cares about what zombies want, it's like they're treated as second class citizens just because they have cannabalistic tendencies. Somebody should definantly call the ACLU about this zombie discrimination. |
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// second class citizens // |
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Arrrgh, another pinko bleeding-heart wussy liberal ...... "Whine, Whine, minority rights, discrinination, social justicem, whine whimper......". Get a grip, or you'll be suggesting giving women the vote next, and where would that lead ? |
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Oh yes, and we'll put a mirror in the box, too. |
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Well, you need to share your brain with the undead people who don't have brains. It's called hellfare, I'm bringing you into the 21st century kicking and screaming if I have to. You really only need 10% of your brain anyway, it would be immoral to use 11%+ of your brainpower since everybody needs to succeed. |
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//You really only need 10% of your brain anyway// <klaxon noise> "Urban myth statistic alert! Stay calm! The statistic you just heard has no basis in fact! I repeat, the statistic you ..." |
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The trick is knowing which 10%. I wonder if we used 100% we would work out that the 10% thing isn't true. |
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A was just joking....I don't care, kill the damn zombies, you really do need 100% of your brains to function properly. Crap, I didn't realize there were real life zombies when I said that thing about the ACLU and hellfare, 8th_of_7 you got to believe me on that one. I'm moving to Australia if the USA ends up passing hellfare legislation with Obama in office these next 4-8 years. |
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Unabubba, Australia has wildlife for me to look at. If both governments have nationalized Hellfare (eating of brains), then it doesn't make a difference other than the scenery where I live, wouldn't mind living in a Communist country even if it has good scenery (and they all have expensive government funded park type scenery and expensive architecture buildings/public transportation....FDR stuff, really). |
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// Australia has wildlife for me to look at. // |
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It certainly does. However, you should consider that the wildlife in Austrailia will not onl;y look back, but then make sustained and determined efforts to bite, poison, or other wise dismemeber andf consume you. |
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Blue Ringed Octopus,
Pacific Sea Snake,
Funnel web spider,
Great White shark,
Stonefish,
Crocodile (salt water),
Crocodile (brackish water),
Crocodile (fresh water),
Crocodile (swimming pool) (VERY unlucky),
... and many, many others ...... |
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// Redbacks are less so // |
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That's so reasurring, to know that even though they're all over the place, lurking under beds, verandas. and dunny seats, their bite is not actually lethal, just very very painful and unpleasant. |
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So, why did you ever leave your job with the Australian Tourist Commission ? |
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"Australia: More Than Just A Country, A Cruel Prank On Entomophobes As Well !" |
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And next week on "Out back in the Outback" we will see an
Australian Zombie who received 10% of a brain through
Hellfire legislation battling a pack dingos. Parental discretion
advised. |
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I appreciate the apology you made to me in email. |
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It was a good move and showed you to be a good
person. |
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Eh ? We haven't emailed you ..... |
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And we resent the accusation that we are in any way "good". |
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Misanthropy will get you nowhere in the business world (well, mistrust all you want but don't be open and honest about it), but it really works well if you love war and spreading war propaganda though (the open and honest form of misanthropy that is). |
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//you should consider that the wildlife in Austrailia // |
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It's not just the wildlife, you know. There's also the plants - in particular the stinging tree, and also "wait-a-while" <amongst others>. Whilst wait-a-while is really only a nuisance - a good tangle might end up in a few stiches from some good deep cuts - a hit from a stinging tree will bother you for months or years. The sillica spines contain a neurotoxin - so not only do the spines stay inside your flesh for a long time, they also slowly release poison. My grandfather worked in the logging industry and tells stories of loggers getting substantial exposure (say full frontal chest and face) and eventually going crazy from the pain - some were known to have committed suicide as the medicine at the time could not treat the recurring pain. A horse that walked through a thicket of stinging tree would generally have to be shot. |
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Lovely stuff, speakling from experience. |
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Lastly you didn't include box and irukandji jellyfish, possibly our two most.. successful killers. |
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This is all making staying here in the USA and fighting zombies sound all the more appealing to me. Has Australia ever thought about nuking itself to oblivion to kill all of its stupid wildlife and stinging trees? I know, how about a hydrogen bomb, that ought to get rid of the crazy wildlife there. |
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Are any of these things good to eat? |
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If you have a level 3 or above environment suit handy, I can personally recommend the fruit of the stinging tree. |
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Crocodile too, is very tasty. It's an extremely lean, high protein meat that I really can't compare to anything else I've tried. |
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// you didn't include box and irukandji jellyfish // |
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It wasn't meant to be a comprehensive list, just an illustration; and we didn't include the plants because they don't actually come after you "with intent" - they just lurk, brimming over with malice and toxins and sharp edges. |
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// how about a hydrogen bomb // |
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The UK tried a few times, back in the 1950's, at Maralinga. No good .... the local bugs just lapped it up, just grew bigger, nastier, more tentacles ..... |
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// extremely lean, high protein meat // |
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Which is all very well, except for the fact that the crocs also see YOU as a possible lunchtime snack ...... |
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//
//You really only need 10% of your brain anyway// <klaxon noise> "Urban myth statistic alert! Stay calm
//
I think this urban myth grew out of Chinese Whispers, when it was reported that only 10% of the population *uses* it's brain. |
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//not ever having experienced buggery// - didn't you go to boarding school? |
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//We will wrestle him, naked, in custard// (imperial "we", one presumes.) I'll hold you to that |
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Fine, but you'll have to provide the custard. |
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//Some scientists are taking this seriously// |
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[8/7], nice link. However, this is one of the scientists you
mention: |
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//Professor Robert Smith? (the question mark is part of his
surname and not a typographical mistake)// |
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//We’ll pause here to address that question mark. Smith? added it to the end of his name when he was 17, in an effort to distinguish himself from the countless Robert Smiths in the world.// |
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From somewhere else. I wonder if "Smith?" has an inflection? What [theleopard] said. |
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//Some scientists are taking this seriously.//
They are?
//We model a zombie attack using biological assumptions based on popular zombie movies//
Yeah, riiiiiight. |
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//Victorian vampire- slaying kit// |
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Ah, for the days when you could just throw a pistol
into your "novelty" kit and nobody batted an eye. |
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But what about estate agents, and them buggers from telesales for Virgin Cable tv.... |
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Add them to the list to be shot out of hand
when the Revolution comes … |
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// days when you could just throw a pistol
into your "novelty" kit and nobody batted an
eye // |
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//Add them to the list to be shot out of hand when the Revolution comes … |
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Sorry we don't do revolutions. People just drink tea and say "Well!" and "I don't know" a lot. |
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Erm, on the gun purchasing front, I've often wondered about the process...handing over the money(a), receiving the gun(b) and the ammunition(c), what's to stop anyone from using (b) +(c) to retrieve (a)? |
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There are more of them behind the counter, with
the vendor, than there are on your side of the
counter, while you're standing there, shaking a few
shells into your hand and trying to load them into
your new, unfamiliar weapon. |
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BTW, [8th]... this is a little self-referential, surely?
Given that the Borg are already "undead" by
definition. |
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The biological components of the Borg
Collective are very much alive, we'll have you
know. |
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Deader than Britain's empire, old boy. |
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[nmrm], in the US it is illegal for a sporting goods or
firearms
retailer to sell both a firearm and ammunition in a single
transaction, or directly after the purchase of either. At the
very least, the purchaser of a firearm must physically leave
and re-enter the store in order to purchase ammunition for
it, and of course if the buyer brings the gun back in, the
retailer is free to refuse their business. I imagine it is much
the same in other countries (I'm pretty sure Canada has the
very same laws, for instance). |
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Also, as previously mentioned, there are many other guns
behind the counter. The ones you can see are not loaded.
The one you _can't_ see is. |
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In small towns where the vendor and
purchaser are probably well known to one
another (and indeed are probably related)
this is probably more honoured in the breech
than the observance … |
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Easier to just help yourself to weapons and
ammunition from the gun rack of one of the
several pickup trucks, parked with the
windows down and the keys in the ignition
along the kerb. Don't worry about the very
large dog sprawled over the passenger seat.
He's just a big old softie, really. Probably. |
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Compare and contrast this with the
experience of standing in a queue at a bank
counter in a small Austrian ski resort and
realising that a man in the next queue
paitently waiting to pay some money in has a
high-velocity hunting rifle slung on his
shoulder… |
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[8th], have you personally attempted the act you just
proposed? There's this thing about people who live in small
towns; we look after each other... |
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Even if the dog is a big softie, you won't make it five steps
before somebody says "Hey, Mister, what're ya doin' with
ol' Hank's thutty-thutty?" |
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And then a particular brand of rural community hilarity
ensues. |
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//this is probably more honoured in the breech// |
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Eventually ... this must be the slow class. |
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// a particular brand of rural-community hilarity ensues // |
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Actually, a particular brand of rural-community hospitality ensued. |
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Local approaches stranger staring enviously into pickup truck. |
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"Oh, good afternoon ! That isn't an <obscure, old and very rare/interesting firearm>, is it ?" |
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"WOW ! I've only ever seen pictures ... does it have the <obscure but interesting technical feature> ?" |
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"Sure does ! Wanna look ?" |
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Local, Visitor and local's huge, fearsome-looking but actually very friendly Dog repair to nearby watering hole to meet local's gun-loving mates. |
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Many hours later, bunch of amiable drunks stagger from bar, including Visitor who is now "Full Honourary Local", swearing eternal comradeship and exchanging names and addresses. |
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I assume this happens, [8th], right before the big
party on the riverbank, where the visitor is
repeatedly invited to "Squeal like a pig, boy!" |
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Is that your experience of the typical interaction? |
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The Visitor is invited to consume even more beer, assist with the BBQ, and experiment with a number of interesting projectile weapons, while at the same time learning some new campfire songs. |
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Apparently the "Squeal like a pig, boy!" business is reserved for those contemptuously referred to as "City <spit> Folks". |
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Yes, simply _admiring_ a local's firearm is liable to lead to
a good
time and quite a bit of rural hospitality, of which your
description is remarkably apt. However, reaching in and
touching the gun without permission,
as first proposed, will have a decidedly different outcome. |
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As for the Deliverance scenario, we only do stuff like that
upon request. It's not compulsory. |
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// "Full Honourary Local" // |
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It takes a bit more than that to acheive such exalted
status. Just being deemed 'Good People' doesn't mean
you're one of us. You're still 'From Away'. If you buy a piece
of land, build a house, move here to live full-time, marry
a local and raise a family, you'll be a 'Transplant', which is
about as close as it gets to 'honorary local'. Your kids will
probably be locals, if they're good kids. |
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Aha! It is sometimes difficult in a country where owning a firearm is in the field of theoretical concepts to know what actually does happen. ` |
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<..goes back to tinkering with wood-chipper with alternate silver blades/wooden stakes, the mechanism lubricated by a holy-water gel with an admixture of garlic..only loses one finger..> |
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This idea is coming to life (pun intended) in the real world
[link]. However, it is only a partial solution being proffered
and I think that the Hornady Manufacturing Co. would be
well served to engage [8th of 7] as a consultant(s). |
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[nmrm], mostly what happens is a lot of people own guns
and don't do very much with them. The majority of gun
owners go through less then one box of ammunition in a
year. Some people never use them at all. |
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One very interesting thing about living in a 'gun culture'
(which does not apply to all of the US and Canada, but
definitely to places like the area where I live) is that I can
walk around town with a loaded firearm and nobody bats
an eyelash--even the high-tech military-fetishist assault
rifles I build barely attract attention--but if I go down to
the store with a sword on my belt people start to get very
nervous. |
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//people start to get very nervous// |
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You would probably get a similar reaction if you were
to wear a 12in, hot pink, strap-on dildo tied to your
belt, I would venture. |
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I'll test your theory at the earliest opportunity. |
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Adding to your collection, are you [UB]? |
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Good for close-in work, certainly, with a 10mm gov't or .40
S&W as a back up (much as I love my 1911s, a double-
stacked mag would be preferable in a zombie-rich
environment). Further out, you'll want
a scoped AR-15, SA80, or FN-FAL. One bullet, one brain. |
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Problem is, you're eventually going to run out of ammo.
Then it's down to hatchet work. Don't get any on you. |
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The results are in! Wandering around town with a 12in, hot
pink, strap-on dildo tethered to my belt provoked
absolutely no reaction whatsoever from the locals, but
there was a goat that kept giving me a funny look. |
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You need to do it during daylight areas. |
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Okay, but folks are going to think it a bit odd, me going
around in the daytime wearing naught but belt and boots,
with a day-glo marital aid suspended from my frog. And I'm
still a little worried about that goat... |
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You only have to fuck one goat... |
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//You only have to fuck one goat...// |
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That reminds me of a joke… |
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So this guy is in a bar in Scotland, sitting next to a
burly red-haired man in a kilt. The Scotsman slams
his drink down on the bar, turns to the guy, and says,
“You see that stone bridge over the brook out back?
I built that bridge, stone by stone, with my own two
hands. That's why they call me MacGregor the
Bridgebuilder.” |
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Ummm, I think that the same joke [UB] had in mind. I heard it about Con who was the Greek boatbuilder, vinter, winemaker etc. |
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But do they call me Luigi the bridgebuilder, I aska
you? Noooo, they don'ta. |
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//Ummm, I think that the same joke [UB] had in mind.
I heard it about Con who was the Greek boatbuilder,
vinter, winemaker etc.// |
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//Deader than Britain's empire, old boy//
Remind me again who's Queen of Australia? |
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Yes, but Edna Everidge is actually the Duke of
Edinburgh in a wig… notice how you never
see the two of them together at the same
time? |
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You can be the "Queen of Australia" if you want, just
shave off that manky beard of yours (the one that
makes you look like a woman who's joined the circus)
and find a nice frock, [DrBob]. You can shave your
legs, or not. |
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Can I + 1 the annotations? |
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