h a l f b a k e r yA riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a rich, flaky crust
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New for the 2018 festive season, BorgCo is proud to present an innovative novelty for those who have had any taste or aesthetic sense surgically excised.
Envious of your neighbour's knitted toilet roll cover with an elf on the top ?* Well why not go one better ? Sanitary Claus is a purpose-designed
adornment for a w.c. pedestal, lovingly and individually hand-crafted in genuine artificial simulated plastic-effect, by starving, uneducated children working in totally unsafe and brutally repressive conditions verging on slavery, in a far-away hot country with a very poor human rights record, and taking the form of a much larger-than-life jolly bearded Santa seated in a large chair.
The unit is proportioned so that an adult sitting on the figure's "lap" would appear to an observer** to be child-sized. In fact, the lap contains the seat of the w.c. so the user can answer the call of nature while apparently being embraced by an elderly bearded stranger.
If anyone can work out why we thought this was a good idea, please tell us.
*If you are, you have a serious mental health issue and should seek professional help without delay.
**If you are comfortable with being watched when doing your business while sitting on Santa's knee, you have gone well beyond "mental health issues" into the realm of "sick, weird, and possibly more deserving of pity than condemnation"
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You've missed the big market - inflatable sex-Santas. |
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Possibly the most damning indictment of the human race is
that there is almost certainly a market for this. |
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We fear you are correct, [Skewed]. |
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According to my sources (the Diskworld) small children
+ too much excitement = Santa getting a wet lap
anyway, so it's not that bizarre. |
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Small children are notorious for a lack of sphincter control in a whole range of common circumstances; but this product is intended for the whole family. And visitors. |
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At first glance, I read that as "inflatable sex-Satans", which
might actually be more popular… |
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You reckon ? Well, we already have the dies and the tooling ... easy enough to modify them. How many do you want ? |
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Whoosh? Swish? I dunno, what does your potty say when you
flush it? Or am I on the wrong idea again? |
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My toilet makes a unique noise every time, somehow. For a
while I've wanted to start recording them, but I've never
gotten around to building a recorder for it. (Not a recorder
that would be attached to the toilet or otherwise mounted
in the bathroom, mind you, because
then other people might think it was recording the sounds of
them using it, for creepy purposes.) |
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// I've wanted to start recording them, // |
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Did you chew your lead soldiers as a child ? |
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// but I've never gotten around to building a recorder for it. // |
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That's very probably a good thing for you, and anyone else who might be involved. |
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When you think of a non-creepy purpose for recording anyone's toilet noises, be sure to post it here. It's just possible that there's someone in South Asia doing research into this, for serious non-creepy purposes, but we consider it unlikely. |
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Good thing I only want to record the toilet's own noises,
with the recording initiated by the person flushing it, then. |
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Along with the audio system, you should set up a camera to snap the expression on visitors faces when you politely request that they activate the recorder just before flushing ... |
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(Me to myself) "My god! This is a Santa shaped toilet!
Don't bun this, don't bun this, don't
bun this. Oh crap." [+] |
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