h a l f b a k e r yIt's not a thing. It will be a thing.
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Bluetooth underpants would be ultimate fusion of wearable electronics, wireless technology and cotton comfiness. The electronics would be contained in the waistband and the seams (and yes, these will be big pants).
They are used as the standard means of identitying a person for use with the Contextualizer
q.v. as well and identifying you to your car, front door and public toilets. If you forget to wear your underpants, you're in big trouble. If you're wearing girlfriend's underpants you're in more trouble than you previously would have been - you can't get into your flat but you can use the cheerleaders' changing room.
Power is topped up gyroscopically from walking and fully recharged when on a spin cycle. A label on the waistband states that if the garment is handwashed then it must also be used in conjunction with the optional battery (wind-up).
The Bluetooth Underpants provide the following functionality:
•User Identification - Each pair of Bluetooth Underpants has a unique serial number that identifies the wearer. This information, coupled with a radio transmitter enables most of the functionality of the Bluetooth Underpants.
•Cleanliness Information - The underpants have one of the following states: Clean, Dirty, currently being worn.
•Location information - The Bluetooth Underpants will respond to other bluetooth devices by indicating that the wearer are in radio range and (optionally) giving an internal temperature reading.
•Temperature regulation - The Bluetooth Underpants are able to loosen (baggy mode) and tighten (snug mode) within predefined limits by pulling/releasing controlling wires in the seams. This, in turn regulates the temperature. No kind of opening will ever automatically appear for the purposes of temperature regulation. What kind of people do you think we are? Shoo... go away.
•Homing Sock Hosts. To prevent homing socks from chasing each other around the block (each knows where the other is located and both have a tendency to run clockwise in the Northern Hemisphere), each pair of Bluetooth Underpants can act as a host for one or more pairs of Homing socks. If in the same state (clean, dirty) the socks will home in on their host underpants so that they end up in the same drawer or all arrive in the laundry basket together. The Bluetooth underpants will not act as a Homing Sock host when being worn. If you have socks stuffed down the front of your underpants, it's nobody's responsibility but your own.
•Custard Activation Software - Inside the back of the Bluetooth Underpants there are small pockets for sachets of exploding custard. These are activated upon another hb-listed pair of Bluetooth Underpants being in broadcast range. The list of halfbakers is updated weekly (subscription must be activated for this feature to work). The Custard Activation Software is only initialised when the Bluetooth Underwear is in 'being worn' mode, preventing your underwear from detonating when in the laundry basket or nestling in the sock drawer.
There are other features which I am sure I have forgotten but one thing I know will never be fitted. They will never be wired for sound.
The Contextualizer
http://www.halfbake...idea/Contextualizer
From tiny acorns, etc. etc. blah blah blah. [st3f, Sep 16 2002]
Homing Socks
http://www.halfbake...idea/Homing_20Socks
From one of our transient bakers. [st3f, Sep 16 2002]
croissant-patterned knickers
http://www.halfbake...atterned_20knickers
Why is hippo always involved? You've got to ask the question, haven't you. I mean he seems so 'nice'... [st3f, Sep 16 2002]
[link]
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// They will never be wired for sound // |
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To me, that's the one essential missing feature, but I will give you a croissant anyway. |
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Ooh bugger! - I was just going to post a link to [lewisgirl]'s
croissant-patterned knickers but you beat me to it. She
doesn't go into the technology, but reading between the
lines, the knickers she suggests may already be
Bluetooth-enabled...
Believe me, I too find it
disturbing that I may have been in any way responsible for
these ideas. |
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having met you as a direct result of my afore-mentioned knickers (??), I am less than surprised at this correlation. How is life these days, oh mud-bathing one? we haven't seen you much around IBD for a while. May we be graced with a news update?
Saint Threef, your holiness... there are a number of throwaway comments which I would like to query.
•"(and yes, these will be big pants)." No thongs, then. That's ok. hippo has already discussed his distaste for thongs.
•"you're in more trouble ... you can't get into your flat but you can use the cheerleaders' changing room". Sly little phrase. Are you weedling out the puerile streak in your annotators? Do you want them to go <Beavis>a-huh-huh. Heh. Hu-huh</Beavis> <Butthead>hnggger-her-huh</Butthead> all over your idea?
•"fully recharged when on a spin cycle." Does this refer to a washing machine or not?
•"(optionally) giving an internal temperature reading" ...External display?
•"The Custard Activation Software ... preventing your underwear from detonating when in the laundry basket or nestling in the sock drawer." Now, I can see some problems with this. What is the range of the broadcast? And what if you, ahem, ended up liaising with a surreptitious halfbaker who never wore underpants when you were around, and the only time your underpants were in range of theirs was the time you threw yours into the laundry basket? You might never know...! (ok, that was weak. But, you know, there will always be loopholes; although ("No kind of opening will ever automatically appear for the purposes of temperature regulation") apparently not in these pants.) |
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//your holiness// -- Bless you, my child. |
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//there are a number of throwaway comments// -- Then they should probably be thrown away. |
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//these will be big pants// -- it seemed best. |
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//Are you weedling out the puerile streak in your annotators?// -- Just in myself. |
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//Does this refer to a washing machine or not?// -- Depends how fast you can spin. |
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//External display?// -- I gave it no thought. |
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//What is the range of the broadcast?// -- About 30m in ideal conditions if memory serves. |
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//And what if you, ahem, ended up liaising with a surreptitious halfbaker who never wore... threw yours into the laundry basket?// -- There is no protocol defined. You're on your own. |
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[removes tongue from cheek] |
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Problem with the halfbaker proximity sensor custard injector device - what happens if you are doing your laundry in the same laundromat with another halfbaker? Would custard get all over your laundry, or could you disable it? |
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How big are these pants going to be? The processing unit would be PDA-sized, most likely, with a slighty larger Bluetooth transiever. Plus, add all the motors needed to make the pants tighter or looser, and the battery pack, and you've got quite a heavy pair of underpants. |
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(pauses a moment to wipe tears from face) Whew! That's the best laugh I've had in a while. Thanks! |
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Questions abound, st3f, about your most excellent idea. For example: |
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- would the cleanliness info be available to one and all bluetooth devices within range? And is there going to be a "best before" kind of dating system which will advise you when it is best to toss out the old and bring in the new? |
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- could we advertise the temperature regulation feature as an aid for fertility-challenged couples in their efforts to conceive? |
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- could the location information be linked to a GPS so we'd never ever lose another piece of underwear? |
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- would the user ID coding be rewriteable in case the underwear gets recycled? |
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- exploding custard packets? (Are you a halfbaker wearing Bluetooth Boxers or are you just happy to see me?) |
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- cheerleaders do not have their own private changing room, do they? |
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BinaryCookies, just picture a pouch in the front of the underwear which is in fact a synchronisation cradle for the PDA. (what is your Palm doing in your pants?) |
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Ack! Stop me, before I offend again! (wrestles elf to ground, administers firm smack to back of head) |
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Nick@Nite: I'm hoping that the user will be able to identify which underwear has been worn and which is freshly washed. If not, maybe the underpants need to send out a distress signal to a pair of homing socks so that they can drag them to the laundry basket. |
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BinaryCookies: Read the bit about the initialisation of the software. I've already answered your first question.
Plus, I envisage putting all the electronics on the waistband making the underpants fairly normal form there down. |
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UnaBubba: Possibly 'explode' was too strong a word. |
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Canuck: ...
Availability of cleanliness information: <shudder>
GPS: Why not?
Rewritable User ID: I see this a system of uniquely numbering each unit and storing these numbers in a database of 'my pants'. What you do with it after that point...
Cheerleaders private changing room: Recycled teenage fantasy. (wrestles elf to ground, administers firm smack to back of head) |
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I protest the mfd on this. |
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Likewise, but it is my idea.
Bluetooth underpants got a mention on the 'Contextualizer' (linked), when I was trying to think of an item that you're likely to have on you when you go out in public. The idea grew from there. It could easily have been a wristwatch but I have left the house without my wristwatch before now. |
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I like the idea; you`d have to be a pretty determined criminal to commit identity fraud in my keks. |
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