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Spontaneous human combustion is when a person bursts into flames for no apparent reason, and is totally consumed, apart from a piece of leg or other body part. When I first read about it, I was terrifed that someday this fate would befall me, but it seems only the elderly are susceptible.
The idea
of human combustion has remained with me to the point where it's necessary for me to bring it into the realm of being a useful product. That product is called: A Burning Grandmother Will Heat The Room
The room needs to be large, as the heat from the apparatus is substantial. The actual heater takes the form of a convincing elderly figure, composed of metal, clothed in fire-resistant material, seated in a rocking chair. Inside the figure are a series of pipes to deliver the gas necessary to generate the low level flames which make the figure appear to be burning all over as it slowly rocks backwards and forwards on its motorised chair.
Reduced bedsit version consists of a pile of lumpy ashes that emit the heat, located beside a single lower limb, with a shoe still attached. (see pic)
spontaneous combustion pic
https://www.higgypo...combustion-parapod/
warning..... it's quite realistic [xenzag, Nov 25 2019]
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// I was terrifed that someday this fate would befall me, // |
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Don't be silly. When our napalm strike hits you, the last thing it will be is "spontaneous " ... |
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// but it seems only the elderly are susceptible. // |
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No, the middle aged, sedentary and decrepit are also at risk, so you're still in the target group. |
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Genuine Freecycle post: "WANTED : Large microwave oven to suit elderly lady". |
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We had to build one specially, but it was worth it ... |
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Suggested marketing slogan "The Gran that burns half as bright, burns twice as long ! " |
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Gruesome and bad. The whole spontaneous human
combustion thing (which I too was intrigued and
grossed-out by in the ‘80s) is pretty-much
debunked. The thing all the cases had in common
was elderly people positioned close to a naked
source of ignition. |
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Bun anyway, because it’s an intriguing (if gross)
idea. [+] |
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xenie, you are so my kind of people. Evil, crazy and oh so
unkind. I want to be related to you, or something weird like
that. |
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You're my kind of girl... ha |
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Oh for heaven's sake you two, get a room or something ... |
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And don't forget to set up a webcam; pay-per-view, of course - or should that be pay-perv-view ? Yes, on consideration that's probably right. |
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I imagine a deceased wrinkly old fart's dead skin flares much like bacon drippings down the barbeque grill leaving behind only the lowest extremities since heat rises. |
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Prove me wrong... no wait, belay that order. |
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You weren't. You're channeling the Intercalary again, stop it ... |
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Funny, never had you down as the psychically susceptible type. |
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This page came up in search results for hot grandmas in your neighborhood. |
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Whyever were you searching for ... no, actually, don't answer that. We don't want to know the sordid details. |
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//I imagine a deceased wrinkly old fart's dead skin flares much like bacon
drippings down the barbeque grill leaving behind only the lowest extremities
since heat rises.// |
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When I was doing my degree at university, I spent a year in a large hall of
residence. Fire alarms were pretty common, mainly due to incompetence,
exuberance, and poor food preparation in the shared kitchen units.
One night there was an actual fire, and we could see greasy smoke billowing out of
the
upper windows. It smelled like pork chops. We thought someone had forgotten
their cooking or something.
But actually, someone had gone to bed while inebriated with a lit cigarette, and
accidentally immolated themselves. |
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So now you know what this would smell like. |
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I had thought of a faint aroma of lavender for the
Burning Granny Heater..... I do believe in addition
that there's a worthy spin off idea for a "flaming
arm-pit toasted sandwich maker," with the bread
clamped firmly in place, and the grease running
down to drip off at the elbow point. I may even
call it The George Forearmpit Grill. |
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The stuff served up at the Buchanan family festivals does indeed taste very like pork, with a hint of panda .., |
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//What did it taste like ?// |
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Wouldn't know. Vegetarian. |
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Why don't you find a group of firefighters and ask them, I'm
sure they'll have something to say. |
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//the psychically susceptible type.// |
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Every new immunity is learned and the Intercalary's attacks are like scrambled-Playboy-channel-ish and I had to go all top-loading VCR to even see him squirming his way in.
For a drooler he's got some nerve. |
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//So now you know what this would smell like.// |
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The cannibals don't call us long-pig for nothing.
Well, on that note... no breakfast before work for me now. Toodles. |
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//The stuff served up at the Buchanan family
festivals...// |
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Ah HA! I knew you guys were related. |
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Also, the whole schtick about not worrying about
something because it only happens to the elderly
becomes less comforting over the years <xenzag>
Believe me. |
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Ha - I switched off my age in years decades ago. |
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// Ah HA! I knew you guys were related.// That's most
unlikely. For one thing, the French side of the Buchanan
family split from the rest of us somewhere around 1500-1520.
So, I'm probably about equally related to [Xen] and 2/3rds of
the current French population (ie, equally distant). And for
another thing, well, just not. |
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That makes you a candidate for sponaneous combustion..... we do sell a fire-extinguisher suit with built in foam channelling if you have interest? |
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Is that pre or postmortem granny burning? |
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//French side of the Buchanan family split from the rest of us somewhere around 1500-1520 |
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Saves on all that avecing. |
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It's only the "poph" that makes anthropophagy sound jolly. |
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This could quite possibly be the idea that sticks in my brain
for the start of 2020. Wowsie, it's gonna be a good
year/decade, I can see it now. |
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// it's gonna be a good year/decade // |
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The first three years, possibly. After the asteroid hits, maybe not so much. |
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Of course, we could still deflect it. We take rare minerals, body parts, complete (functioning) humans*, and all major credit cards. |
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*But not members of the Buchanan family, even if they come with a "gernuine" certificate of authenticity* issued by the "vAtekan" and "singed"** by the Pope*** |
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*Apparently they have gone "green" and now write such things on the back of McDonalds receipts, instead of sheets of vellum. |
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**there are brown marks round the edge; we hope they're due to the application of excessive heat. |
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***in green crayon, usually. |
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