Some months ago I was channel surfing on the TV and something on one of the religion-pusher channels caught my attention for a minute or so. The preacher was talking about what it would be like if God played a round of golf. Now, I don't happen to play golf, but I know people who do. So...

The preacher claimed God's score would be 18. Because, naturally, God would get a hole-in-one for every hole.

After thinking about this I've decided that the preacher was wrong. Here's what I think would actually happen.

God would hit the ball, and, sure enough, it would go right into the first hole.

But, then it would bounce out, and go into the second hole.

Then it would bounce out, and go into the third hole...

So, God's score would actually be ONE, not 18.

How would YOU like to play golf like that? At the Godly Golf Course, you can!

Provided, of course, that you can make a hole-in-one on the first hole.

Buried under each hole (except the last) is an Air Cannon, plus suitable electronics for controlling it. When a ball goes into the hole, the air cannon blasts it toward the next hole. Various weather sensors unobtrusively dot the golf course, to feed appropriate data into the control electronics. Thus the air cannon's aim and blast-power can be adjusted for wind or even rain.

At each tee-off spot, there are additional sensors to tell the system that a golfer hit the ball. Only if that ball reaches the hole on the first hit is the system activated, to send the ball to the next hole, and the next, and so on. Any other hits, not done at the tee-off spot, are ignored.

The average player can do an average game of golf at this course. But anyone who gets a hole-in-one automatically gets all the remaining holes, also!
-- Vernon, May 28 2012

God's golfing record http://monologues.c...tial_Golf_Match.htm
Best recited with an East Lancashire accent [AbsintheWithoutLeave, May 28 2012]

Definitely Skee-Ball http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dogma_(film)
[MechE, May 28 2012]

[Vernon], I think both you and the TV preacher have made a serious oversight here, which is that God would use His divine will to affect the outcome of the game. If He were to do so, what would be the point of Him playing at all? If God went to all the trouble of coming down to Earth, outfitting Himself with all of the necessary golf paraphanalia, reserving a tee time, and altering the local weather patterns to ensure the perfect day for a nice round, don't you think He'd want to actually _play_ the game?
-- Alterother, May 28 2012


[Alterother], it MIGHT be possible without special alterations of ordinary golfing conditions. I'm thinking that if the ball is lofted extremely high, and lands exactly in the hole in the right place, then it should indeed be able to bounce to the next hole. So, God would simply need to put enough effort and accuracy into that first whack, for 17 perfect-but-shrinking bounces, followed by the normal dribbling/diminishing bounces, and a final gentle roll that would put the ball into the last hole, without bouncing out of it.

[21 Quest], I had wondered about a "bounce-out doesn't count rule". But I think the sheer awesomeness of this feat would encourage folks to ignore such comparatively trivial details, in this case. :)
-- Vernon, May 28 2012


So you're saying that if the first hole is a 150 yd Par 3, you think it possible, without altering the laws of physics, that a hole in one could bounce out of the cup and then gain enought loft and momentum to traverse the 400 yd Par 5 that comes next? That would mean a bounce that covers over twice the distance of the original ballistic flight. I'll have to check with some science-type-people to be absolutely positive, but I don't think that's very likely.
-- Alterother, May 28 2012


[Alt] we're talking about God here....

God does not play golf with the universe...
-- mitxela, May 28 2012


Could God design a golf course so difficult that it would make Him take His own name in vain?

//My understanding of the game of Golf is that if the ball bounces out, it doesn't count.//

Perhaps, but I assure you that nowhere in the USGA rules does it mention the ball being launched out of the hole by pneumatic cannon.

[Alterother], you're right that it's not very likely, but there's no reason it's not possible. Consider a ball that flies in a very high arc towards the first hole, then ricochets off an angled surface and flies towards the second hole at a much lower trajectory. The downward momentum from the first flight would be converted to sideways momentum for the second flight. Think about what would happen if you dropped a basketball off the roof onto an angled surface.
-- ytk, May 28 2012


If I understand golf correctly, 18 hole-in-ones would not be 18, but some negative number that depends on the difficulty of the course.
-- erenjay, May 28 2012


// God does not play golf with the universe.. / /

You sure about that? Considering the number and distribution of Nebulae, Quasars, Black holes and Red Giants, a White Dwarf falling into a Black Hole might well represent a Birdie for those of a Divine tendency…
-- 8th of 7, May 28 2012


//God does not play golf with the universe...//

He plays pocket billiards.
-- neelandan, May 28 2012


There is no God. Sadly, the same cannot be said about golf.
-- DrBob, May 28 2012


Amen to that.
-- 8th of 7, May 28 2012


If there were a god, there would be no golf.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, May 28 2012


So...

Moses Jesus and someother guy are playing golf.
Moses tees off and the ball goes straight into a water trap.
Same with Jesus' first ball, and the other guy.

Moses parts the water climbs down in there and chips it into the hole for two strokes.
Jesus walks out on the water, reaches down with his wedge and scoops his ball out into the hole for two strokes as well.
The third guy is stands there looking at the water trap.
Suddenly an Eagle swoops down, grabs a fish which has his ball in its mouth, and flys the fish over the green where the ball drops perfectly for a whole in one.

Jesus looks at the guy and says, "Well now you're just showing off dad."
-- 2 fries shy of a happy meal, May 28 2012


I'm sure Wilde's words on fox hunting may well have been intended for golf, and simply misquoted.
-- AbsintheWithoutLeave, May 28 2012


So, if God hits into a water hazard, does he swear, "Me damn it!"?
-- Klaatu, May 28 2012


Nope. Like the rest of us, he says, "Learn to hold your breath, little ball."
-- UnaBubba, May 28 2012


Clearly God plays Skeeball.
-- sartep, May 28 2012


Or that God is a fraud, perpetrated and perpetuated by people with a vested interest in doing so.

I like the story of Lee Trevino, who was playing as a thunderstorm approached. He pulled a club from his bag and a TV reporter asked, "Aren't you afraid of lightning?"

Trevino replied, "It's a 1 iron. Even God can't hit a 1 iron."
-- UnaBubba, May 28 2012


// Clearly God plays Skeeball. //

Still?! After what happened last time, you'd think she'd have learned.
-- Alterother, May 29 2012


A brief flick through the Rules of Golf (in my bag) would no doubt kill this stone dead.
But I like [UB]'s annotation.
-- gnomethang, May 29 2012


Clearly the Readers' Digest version of God. "I am John's God".
-- nineteenthly, May 30 2012


I would have thought the HE would hit (smite?) the ball, which would shatter in 18 pieces thus having the job done with one go.
-- AusCan531, May 30 2012



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