h a l f b a k e r yVeni, vedi, fish velocipede
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Traditional Christmas hampers are usually a sturdy, re-useable wicker basket filled with a selection of edible items, often those with extended shelf lives.
The basket itself is an unimaginative rectangular design (the best ones are of course a Cube) and often are subsequently repurposed as picnic
baskets, garment storage, toy boxes, or places to keep kindling and firewood.
However, if you buy your hamper from BorgCo, you get something a little more versatile. The hamper itself is in the shape of a squat cylinder; within it, acting as protection for fragile items such as bottles, are four long cylinders (two thick, two thin) and a sphere.
Once the delicious contents have been removed and consumed, the four tubes and sphere can be attached to mounting points on the outside of the main container so as to form a Wicker Man.
The sphere contains a merry seasonal selection of accelerants and ignition sources.
The entry-level model is large enough to contain a pre-teenage child in the torso; the top of the range can accommodate a full-grown adult, albeit in a crouched posture; a selection of ropes, straps and other restraints are included to make sure that the occupant stays in that position and doesn't escape.
Perfect for celebrating the Solstice or the New Year with a traditional human sacrifice ! Not available in the shops ! Remember BorgCo for all your violent, bloodthirsty pagan ritual needs !
(Not entirely suitable for indoor use unless you have a seriously big fireplace. Product may cause serious injury or death if used correctly).
[link]
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Can you show everyone how it works by
demonstrating on a suitable volunteer? Max - your
hand was raised first, so you win the opportunity
of a lifetime. |
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That's not actually my hand. I'm holding it for a friend. |
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// may cause serious injury or death if used correctly // |
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A "Whicker Man" Christmas Hamper sounds preferable |
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I think there's the opportunity to create a children's version of The Wicker Man, to be called "The Whimper Man". No real harm comes to The Whimper Man, but he does whimper like a pup and the children all laugh at him...... Max - I see that your hand is raised yet again, despite now only being a charred stump. |
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<Dials down power on brow-mounted laser pointer/> |
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// create a children's version of The Wicker Man // |
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Done that. Works a treat. |
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// No real harm comes to The Whimper Man, // |
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There's your problem, right there... |
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// the children all laugh at him... // |
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// "Whicker Man" Christmas Hamper // |
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It would just check itself in at an airport and fly off to some exotic location to make a travelogue. |
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Yes, but with you inside it! It would be a mystery
holiday in some exotic luxury destination |
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Other than in the armed services*, travelling in the hold of a commercial aircraft is rather frowned upon. |
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*Who consider it a Wizard Wheeze to get someone very drunk, then nail them up in a crate and ship them off** to some random destination. |
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** Actually, just loading them on an aircraft that's going out to do a full-power engine runup is usually enough to achieve the desired result (Violent thumping on the crate, yells of "Let me out ! Let me out ! " with additional screaming and pleading. Hilarity ensues. |
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It has however been conclusively shown to be highly advisable to be some distance away wlen the crate is opened. Apparently being nailed in a packing crate can noticeably affect some people's sense of humor. |
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