h a l f b a k e r yPoint of hors d'oevre
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All sorts of problems can happen on your way to a funeral; car accident, bad traffic, giant dinosaurs, invading aliens, maybe you just don't like the person. Well show them you care (even if you don't) with our special "Sorry I Missed Your Funeral" Cards. Made of our special un-biodegradable paper,
it's sure to make anyone's heartwarm. Unless they died by a heart attack. Then what happens isn't our fault.
Kent Duchain, '"St.James' Infirmary"
https://www.youtube...watch?v=KLQ0wAxhRWc
Added for the intro chat. [DrBob, Apr 19 2022]
[link]
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Good idea. It's like Yogi Berra one said: |
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"Always go to other peoples' funerals. Otherwise, they won't come to yours." |
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Surely it should be "Sorry I missed your funeral" flowers? |
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Jim: In which case the flowers delivered should be decayed the number of days between the funeral and their arrival. |
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By the time I got around
To sending you this card
You were six feet underground
In a very, very big yard
I wasn't at your hole they dug
So I didn't get to say
To your now departed mug
I never liked you anyway |
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That's great! DId you write that? I was just thinking about sending a card that says "I'm sorry you're dead." I dunno--too sentimental, maybe? |
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Great idea, but what about also making reply slips so that you can really freak out the sender of the card?
Glad you missed my funeral,
We had a real laugh,
but now I'm gone,
I'd like to say,
You made me want to Barf! |
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Everybody has to die
Funerals make me squirmy
In your eternal trunk
You Rest in Peace
Now you're all wormy
Every little chunk
Though I didn't get to say goodbye
I made it with your niece
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Going to the chapel, and we're, Gonna get buried, Going to the chapel...... |
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what about "sorry I caused your funeral" cards? |
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i'm always killing people - accidentally of course. |
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They'd be useful for Procrastination Man. |
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Actually, no, he'd never get round to sending them... |
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Sorry about your road smash,
but you thought it was a game,
You went had to much to drink,
so you've got yourself to blame,
But now they've hosed you off the road,
and you're well and truly dead,
you can pass the time on the other side,
with that jigsaw that was your head. |
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Sorry to hear you carked
it. Hope you're not narked
that I parked
outside your palatial home in Berk
shire.
And ran over your cat.
Which wasn't going to live, fat
as it is, very long anyway.
I am more concerned with eating
the cake
at your wake
than pretending to celebrate
your fleeting
time on this earth when your constant whiny bleating
was all I bloody well remember about you anyway.| — | lewisgirl,
May 24 2001, last modified May 25 2001 |
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Sorry this card is late.
They raised the postage rate. |
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Missed your funeral, missed your wake,
If you weren't dead you'd think I was a real flake.
I'm sorry I pushed you off the cliff; You fell and broke your back.
Hey! Just Noticed: Your girlfriend looks really hot in black. |
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as the bells pealed
slow yet instantaneous
from the chasm
of the church
and the riderless horse
made his way
some hearts broke
through the park
by the lake
with its flowers
your wife squealed
and I simultaneous
during our orgasm
our kisses besmirch
after intercourse
as we smoke
in the dark
before we take
our showers
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Sorry I missed you,
You thought I'd forgotten?
About it I feel like,
Your corpse: just plain rotten. |
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This reminds me of a Nightcourt episode. The undertaker who was arrested trying to put the FUN back in FUNeral. Corpses were discovered wearing tee shirts that said "I'd rather be breathing." And coffins were found with bumper stickers that said, "Yesterday was the last day of the rest of my life." |
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He lived, he lied;
He laughed, He died.
He drank, he smoked;
He stank, he croaked. |
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He dipped, he dived;
He even beehived.
He knew, he nixed--
He got deep-sixed. |
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He crept, that creep;
He oozed around;
He slept, He sleeps--
Six feet down. |
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He's dead, He's gone;
He was a dolt.
He never saw
that Lightning Bolt! |
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For the "I couldn't come to your funeral coz I'm already dead" cards: |
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Now weary traveller rest your head,
coz just like me you're utterly dead. |
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This was just a sad excuse to crowbar in a red dwarf qoute really. |
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Perhaps one of those annoying cards that play beepy electronic music upon opening. I can imagine nothing more dreary than the funeral dirge rendered by microchips. |
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I'd use them... but I'd NEVER put a stamp or a return address on them...let the Post Office just try and get the postage due from the deceased ;) |
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Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Sphagnum is Peat
And so are You
P.S. Please try to maintain your decomposure |
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Or perhaps...."Youve donated your liver and spleen,
To a poor cancer-ridden teen,
And your kidneys, they plan
To give to an old man,
Who gave away his to the Queen |
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Your heart, a repairable device,
Was packed to keep cool in some ice,
I was promised your brain,
But theyd shipped it to Spain,
But I guess your pancreas will suffice." |
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But where would these cards be delivered? |
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Perhaps coffins with postage slots could be constructed. |
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Or gravestones could have letterboxes attached.
Actually, no forget that - they'd fill up with junk mail. |
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Anyone else worried about these cards being returned unread 'addressee deceased'? |
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//And include a $20 bill.// |
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Rather, a $20 check. Made out to the deceased. |
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How about 'Welcome to My Funeral' cards?
I see you've got your best suit on.
You've come here from afar
I'm sorry it's a wasted trip.
I don't know who you are.
or...
The tears role slowly down your face,
Your vision is a fog.
But save it, you won't get a thing,
I left it to the dog. |
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Sorry I couldn't make it
To your funeral yesterday
I missed the bus, my leg dropped off
I'd flu, to my dismay
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My boiler sprang a gas leak
My dog ate my black coat
Both wheels fell off my bicycle
And rolled into a moat
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But the others all were there I hear
Tom, Sue and Uncle Bill
I s'pose you know they only came
To ask about the will
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But I'm different to that callous bunch
And comforted, my dear
By the carriage clock and candlesticks
I stole from you last year
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But what do I care?
.
I'm not going to his funeral, because he won't be going to mine. |
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Very clever, and witty besides. And they posted it _here_! |
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Standards have changed over time with the
invention of the apostrophe..... "Well show them"
should of course be "We'll show them". |
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//should of course be "We'll show them"// If you’re going to be pedantic you could at least of typed “We’ll...” |
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Its rude to laugh at people who speak a different dialect from what you do. |
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How so? Laughing is good. It's a compliment. I do it
quite often. Also, my dialect is probably different
to yours unless you live where I live, so this works
both ways. Meanwhile, this is about the simple
rules of English grammar and nothing to do with
dialects. The halfbakery has high standards re
spelling, syntax, punctuation and general
grammatical correctness. It's one of its joys for
me. |
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I'm with [xenzag]; "of/have" & "than/then" are 2 of my most
triggering grammatical/spelling errors. |
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