Watermelon Snorkel

Disclaimer: We are having near-record heat this week, and are slightly mad.

I really despise the idea of slicing a watermelon.
1. I just don't want to take the time.
2. I'm best not left wandering around with a knife at family reunions.
3. Slicing the watermelon simply telegraphs an intention to share, which may not be the case.
4. You can't make the slices come out evenly, anyway.
5. Slicing lets the cold out.

So, if I can get an end off, or some other way get a hole big enough for access, I simply desire to commit an act which would be suicidal without some extraordinary aid. Such as a snorkel.

This snorkel is a double-barrelled affair, with respiratory ducts leading to a sealed nasal cannula, and a separate short tube with a jaw operated chopper prop to chew into the juicy cold red meat. A grate separator mechanism, also powered by the motion of the user's jaw, removes the seeds and sends them out a second tube. (Further refinements of this design will allow either the exhaled air to blow the seeds away, or possibly there will be a pinch-effect seed discharger... for now, the seeds are just collected in my plumber's fit jeans, not wasting any of the cool.)

After the first trial run, I believe I will break the handle off someone else's ice cream scoop, and attach to the end of the collector, angled to one side. This way, I can put the watermelon on my head, and by gradually turning the melon, eventually scoop my way clear to the bottom.