Tuned suitcases

While we're on the ever-popular subject of musical luggage <link>, I'd like to ask just why, exactly, there is no "Product: Luggage: Musical" category.

Consider, for a moment, the humble wheeled suitcase. On rough terrain, it is typically dragged along on only two wheels, and produces an unmusical clatterattle whose exact nature depends largely on the substrate over which it is being dragged. Nothing can be done about this, short of using magnetic levitation which (as you'll know if you read Arthur Thrend's obituary last week) is a bad idea for many reasons.

Indoors, on smooth surfaces, the wheeled case may be driven on either two or four wheels, but it remains mute. This, fortunately, _can_ be fixed.

Following a multi-million-pound research program (much of which took place at Daniel K. Inouye International Airport in Hawaii, for reasons that have not been satisfactorily explained), MaxCo. is proud to announce the launch of its range of tuned suitcases, to be marketed under the "Tuned Suitcases" brand.

The wheels of Tuned Suitcases are each embossed with a short musical phrase, which is repeated every half-second or so as the owner progresses across a smooth surface. Best of all, each of the four wheels carries a different sequence of notes, carefully chosen to be harmonically pleasing in almost any combination.

Slight variations in floor contour, or turning to one side or the other, subtly shift the relative phasing of the wheels, producing a slowly varying two- or four-part melody. A skilled luggage-owner will, over time, learn precisely how much to swerve to left or right, to achieve a particular phase and produce their favourite melody. Most satisfactorily, the melody will vary between a "I've got plenty of time to browse Duty Free" legato, to a high-pitched "Shit shit shit the gate's closing shit shit shit" allegro.

To commemorate the 126th anniversary of the birth of Roy Chadwick, MaxCo. is also producing a limited-edition Lancaster Bomber Tuned Suitcase. For this model, all four wheels are profiled to replicate the noise of a Rolls Royce Merlin engine. Each wheel differs in diameter by approximately 0.3mm, ensuring that the authentic worrrrrrra worrrrrrrra worrrrrrrrrr of engines drifting in and out sync is produced.

Order your Tuned Suitcases today! As an introductory offer, the first 200 purchasers will have the opportunity to buy a second case at the same price.