The Sands Of Dread

Climbing up sand dunes is really hard work. For every foot of progress, there is the never ending slipping backwards, as more sand constantly descends, frustrating and impeding all efforts at maintaining a rapid ascent. This means that it's a good all round form of general exercise, as it requires a combination of aerobic stamina, controlled muscular strength, along with a degree of agility, but also sheer determination and will power. A sort of scrambling action on all fours seems to be one of the most effective techniques.

This is all very well for those with access to the sort of dunes prevalent in places like the Sahara Desert, but what about those who want to benefit from climbing up dunes as a supplement to their regular city gym routines? - enter the Sands Of Dread apparatus.

This piece of equipment mimics the action of climbing up the steep slope of a mountainous sand dune. It can do this because it actually is a sand dune, albeit one of more diminutive proportions. The secret lies in its caterpillar mechanism that constantly takes sand from the bottom of the dune then delivers it to the top where it proceeds to run downhill, like a perpetual waterfall. Think of a right angled triangle with sand moving along the base, then up the back, before tumbling down the hypotenuse.

Contained in its own special heavy perspex box, The Sands Of Dread must be entered with appropriate warnings, and can only begin to operate when the door is closed and sealed to prevent the dispersal of its vital sandy contents.

Prospective dune climbers must set the rate of sand movement along with the angle of inclination before beginning their grueling ascent. The exercise can be increased in ferocity by the transportation of a variety of awkwardly shaped heavy objects, along with a wind that blows the stinging fine particle sand into every sweaty orifice. Overhead heat lamps can also be activated to add to the punishing activity.

As well as being the ultimate horror fitness device, this apparatus also enables reenactments to take place of the notorious scenes in the most excellent 1965 Sidney Lumet film "The Hill", in which British soldiers held in a desert prison camp (including Sean Connery) are punished by being forced to run and down a pyramid of sand, carrying their heavy kit bags in the blazing sun.