The Orreracle of Halfbakers

Carved into a cave, at the zenith of a mountain stands The Orreracle of Halfbakers: A gargantuan clockwork representation of the solar system. Each planet is a hemisphere, delicately hewn from stone, which contains a Halfbaker whose wisdom and council may be beseeched. Anyone seeking wisdom may enter the Orreracle, and pass through each orbit receiving knowledge from each Halfbaker, in kind.

First, the knowledge thirsty adventurer will enter Pluto’s orbit. Here, he will pose his quandary to [2 fries shy of a happy meal] who, like Pluto, is small, skewed and farthest from illumination.

Next, our wisdom seeker will enter the orbit of Neptune, and beseech [21 Quest], the vengeful lord of fish, for his guidance.

After Neptune, our intrepid traveler will enter into the orbit of Uranus. There, [zen_tom], whose circular logic runs orthogonal to the norm, will provide if not insight, a least an utterly different point of view.

Next is the jewel of our solar system: Saturn. And just as Saturn sits, resplendent at the center of its rings, so [MaxwellBuchanan] sits, in the center of his enviable possessions, bestowing his Marie Antoinette-like wisdom on those who would ask.

Then it’s on to Jupiter, where our humble voyager will ask council from [8th of 7], who is also bloated and comprised entirely of hot gas.

Now the young pupil must navigate his way through the broken shards of what once was the great [UnaBubba], to make his way to the orbit of Mars.

Once there, [DrBob] whose ancient visage has been marred with time and tinged with oxidation, will illuminate the traveler with rant-like wisdom, trailing off into a well-rehearsed and half-hearted general disapproval for today’s youth.

After Mars, our seeker of truth will beseech [BenFrost] for wisdom. Like our mother Earth, so to is [BenFrost]. For the exteriors of both are covered in fluids and crawling with parasites.

Next, upon entering the orbit of Venus, [blissmiss]: The goddess of love and beauty will burry the traveler under a barrage of cheer and trite clichés. What wholesomeness and general well-being has been created within the heart of our intrepid traveler however will be lost, once he has entered the orbit of Mercury.

Here, [Daseva]’s swift wit and mercurial nature will disorientate the pioneer as he receives [Daseva]’s nihilistic advice.

If our, now thoroughly humbled, voyager has yet to gain the wisdom he has sought; He may approach the great Sol. [jutta] will grant his quandary a response and his ignorance will be illuminated, for her opinion, (however incongruent with reality), shines true and unquestioned in the universe of the Halfbakery.

As the entire ordeal would be most unsettling, the traveler may ask the Halfbakers to repeat their advice again, on the way out … however, to do so would be purely masochistic.