h a l f b a k e r yQuis custodiet the custard?
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Cricket goes on and on for days, but soccer is over in ninety minutes
plus injury time. Soccer, as opposed to American football i hear,
has few breaks, but cricket breaks for lunch and tea, starts late and
finishes early, and does loads of other stuff i can't pretend to grasp.
I suggest changing
the rules of football to impose a maximum speed
among players and the movement of the ball to one kilometre per
hour. The rules in general remain the same with the exception of
when the ball is thrown. Instead, the ball is nudged onto the pitch
from the sidelines, very slowly. The game breaks for lunch and tea,
starts at eleven a.m., finishes at five p.m. and has breaks between
goals where the ball is repositioned in the centre of the field. Half
time is still in place but involves an overnight break.
Even assuming the average speed of movement in a conventional
game of soccer to be eight kph, this would extend the length of a
game, ignoring breaks, to twelve hours or more.
Players also have to move in slow motion and balance, moving in the
same way as far as possible as they would if they were playing at
normal speed.
Not to be confused with...
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0286112/
Shaolin Soccer [Jinbish, May 15 2010]
simply slow down the replay
A_20game_20no-one_20plays
[simonj, May 17 2010]
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Annotation:
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The idea of a (low) maximum speed for the ball stands quite
well on its own, without the Tai Chi or cricket-parody. [+] |
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(Would require some change to goal-keeping though.) |
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I disagree. I think you could just save the ball by doing some kind of Yoga asana or T'ai Chi movement as it gradually wends its way towards the goal mouth. |
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How do you jump in slow motion? |
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You could have a sort of baby bouncer thing suspended from scaffolding above the pitch. |
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//baby bouncer// You'll never get serious athletes into that
thing: too undignified. I suggest: hold matches on the
moon. Why should golf be the only space-sport? |
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Yes, yes, I realize it would be a large technical challenge --
but I'm confident we can develop space suits with
sufficiently flexible joints for Tai Chi. |
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If you played on Phobos, you'd have to be careful not to kick
the ball too hard, lest it achieve escape velocity. |
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I read this as Chia tea soccer. |
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Well, actually if you immersed everyone in tepid tea it would slow things down a bit. And you could play in a cup rather than for one, but it'd have to be quite big and probably transparent, but the spectators could sit in the saucer. |
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For the league finals, though, you'd probably need something a bit larger ... some sort of, well, superbowl ? |
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I think if it were a superbowl, i'd prefer to use coffee and bake an enormous pastry crescent to dip into it and share among the spectators. |
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//Well, actually if you immersed everyone in tepid tea it
would slow things down a bit.// Mmmmm. Excuse me a
moment while I just savor the surrealism. |
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Will there be lemons at half time ? |
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A way should be found to ensure the tea is stratified. |
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Yes, they'd all be hyped up on sugar if it were sweet. |
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Weighted suits and a heavy soccer ball? I'd feel kind of guilty drinking tea and watching them go at it like that though. |
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Yes, right now my mental picture is akin to those training pools used for astronauts. |
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Side betting would be steeped in controversy. |
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//steeped in controversy// Yes, all the players on both
teams
could justifiably be accused of taking a dive. |
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It would certainly bring a whole new meaning to "Cup Final". |
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"Oo long ball to Green... shoots... One - Nil Giri!
That's it. In the bag." |
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It's a steep learning curve, but I'll be able to tag these discussions soon, and will spout less, and look less of a mug. |
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Are contributors just going to contniue to milk this for puns ? If so, the outlook is pour ... |
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I've never played water-polo, but I have played underwater kung-fu. |
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//the outlook is pour //
Oh dear! I sense trouble brewing.
Rather bizarrely, me & my brother went a small way to baking this idea in our youth. When we played football together out in the street (that tells you how long ago it was, doesn't it!) we used to re-enact any goals or blatant fouls or fabulous mazey dribbles as if we were part of a TV slow motion replay. It kept us entertained. |
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Come to think of it, that does happen, [DrBob]. I suppose cricket could be speeded up too, but that's been done. |
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Underwater kung fu, due to the viscous quality of the water, and the bouancy it provides, allows for the completion of moves (albeit at a much slower pace) that would require actual kung-fu prowess under normal conditions. My brothers and I used to play it at the beach. |
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How about, one side has to play at double speed whilst the other has to move at 1/4 speed? At half time the roles are reversed. |
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//I suppose cricket could be speeded up too// - you'd need a pretty good sound system to enable the crowd to hear the Benny Hill music properly |
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Useful for people with thyroid dysfunction. |
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//as if we were part of a TV slow motion replay//
Actually, that's how the television networks do it. The high
tech method got too expensive, so now they hire slow-
motion players for the instant replays. It's highly skilled
work, pays very well, and it's virtually impossible to get an
entry
level position unless you know someone who's already in the
union. |
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