h a l f b a k e r yThe embarrassing drunkard uncle of invention.
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The cheerios popped up to the surface of the milk one by one and spread out like rings on water. Helmud sat before the bowl with shiny, bowed head. His red, swollen eyes were open but unfocused. A sheaf of hair that originated from above his right ear had loosened from the top of his pate and now obscured
his face like a bead curtain. He thought about the malicious girls at work. He had overheard them giggling something about his “Robin Hood” ‘do. He had felt proud for a few hours until he realized that it implied taking from the rich and giving to the poor. Maybe if he could say something creative and funny they wouldn’t treat him like a newbie. He was certain that shy Shellie in the Xerox room was different. When her back was turned, he had felt tempted to give her a portrait of himself by pressing his face to the glass of the copying machine in the middle of one of her jobs. After all he was in the prime of life, 42 and had his own place, or at least his own room at his mother’s. His beer gut didn’t show from the front and he surmised that his plumber’s butt was kind of sexy. At least he thought it was sexy to see twin globes of swelling flesh straining against a garment.
He was jerked back to reality by an involuntarily snivel, and he concentrated his thoughts to one of the oat rings in the bowl. Its form reminded him of one of the adverts he’d seen yesterday in the latest issue of Amateur Alchemist. He flipped past ads for stuffed jock monkeys and one for Chinese army chopsticks before finding it under the “Lip-syncing for Dummies” ad. “Sure Cure for Baldness,” it read, and the before-and-after photos were convincing. From a skinhead Santa, the patient had been transformed into a clean-shaven Don King. On the before photo were two concentric ovals that indicated where the incisions would be made. The inner oval ran from the former hairline down in front of the sideburns and under the lower lip and back up on the other side. The outer oval was a couple of inches outside the first, staying in front of the ear and proceeding under the chin. The graphic, cheerful text read, “…The freed, skin graft strip is then spun 180 degrees so that the beard becomes a scalp donor. The only known side effect being that a furrowing of the brow could cause a double chin. Guaranteed satisfaction or your mouth back. Call Spin Doctors Inc. today!” He had tried everything else: Regain, Everhair, Furthere, wigs, Velcro toupees and even a small octopus. This was surely his ticket to success.
“Helmud, stop daydreaming again! Finish up your cereal. You’ll be late to work.” As his mother leaned forward to plant a wet kiss on his soon-to-be chin, he couldn’t help thinking of plumber’s butt.
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FJ: I no longer care what the idea might be - I'm just looking forward to your next scene-setting prose. |
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Ah! the famous FJ end- twist! You, sir, are a genius; in turn you delight, horrify and amuse us. I thank you. |
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. o 0 O(_____|_____)
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Try reading it in a 'film noir voice-over' voice; it's even better.
Ridiculous idea. Pastry. |
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Saved by the name Spin Doctors, Inc. |
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As much as I hate to seem grumpy, I've find this manner of idea writing to be tiresome. I'm not really inclined to sort through the story looking for the idea. But that's just me - I applaud your enthusiasm and obvious talent for the style, nonetheless, FJ. |
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This is nothing . . . You ought to see him complain when I bury my ideas in a drawing. |
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HAHAHHA! A head mounted oona strip! |
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I once wrote an idea as a story, but in that case the story itself _was_ the idea. (Fictional Halfbakery - shreds of which still exist under the auspices of Bushido Newspaper Carriers...) |
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I'm confused.. I don't see how this is a cure for baldness. Should I read it more thoroughly? |
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Uh-Oh - information overload.. I think m..... |
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Title: "Sure cure for baldness" |
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Suggested short description: surgical cure for male hair loss |
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Idea description: "[Two circular] incisions would be made [on the bald person's head]. The inner oval [runs] from the former hairline down in front of the sideburns and under the lower lip and back up on the other side. The outer oval [is] a couple of inches outside the first, staying in front of the ear and proceeding under the chin. ... |
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"The freed skin graft strip is then spun 180 degrees so that the beard becomes a scalp donor. The only known side effect being that a furrowing of the brow could cause a double chin." |
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What have I done to you that you persist in heckling my ideas? |
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You persist in cramming a one line idea into ten paragraphs of irrelevancy. It was cute once, but you weren't the first to do it, and it got old then. |
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// What have I done to you that you persist in heckling my ideas? // |
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Everyone heckles everyone's ideas here (not to mention their spelling, punctuation, writing style, name, opinions, country of origin and shoe size). That is when they're not discussing completely irrelevant things. Don't take it personally. |
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Thanks for the moral support MB; it's not the +/- points that bother me. They've always seemed to be rather arbitrary anyway. It's the sometimes arrogant attitude that anonymity breeds on the net (like getting behind the wheel of a car). It's been said here many times before, and it's a shame that many newbies and oldies leave because of it. |
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Tyger, not brute. Cutsey writing styles grate quickly. Ones that were previously done and left open wounds get snarled at faster. One person spake of themselves in the third person, but he did it amusingly enough to keep it from being annoying; someone else tried to do it, and got roundly smacked. |
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You are the second person to overly pad ideas, so... |
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Pray tell. Fill me in on some HB history of this first person you speak of in the third person. |
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I ran out of patience reading the idea. As far as I can tell, it's a modification of the way they build new noses for people, and as such, not a bad idea. A highly annoying presentation, however. |
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I was answering the question "What have I done to you that you persist in heckling my ideas?". |
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FarmerJohn, it was annoying enough while it was going on. Giving you ideas is not something I'm interested in doing. |
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The way I handle it is to start reading the idea, and once it's obvious that it's an FJ narrative, I just move on. |
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SC, you should do the same. Understood that you're not a fan of the writing technique, but you probably could have been a little more tactful making your opinion known. |
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If any of you were to check out Starchaser's website you would see that he is a burned out and disgruntled issuer of tech support. However, I'm not really sure that this frustration should be taken out on half-bakery idea creators. In my mind, it is much harder to give constructive criticism than to cut someone down. |
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Being a half-baked newbie, I find it very strange the sort of negative vibe on this site. The Eopinions website is much more supportive. Furthermore, I don't quite understand why people are expected to have incredibly well though out ideas. It seems to me that if people had oodles of time to develop these ideas they'd actually be developing the ideas and making money. |
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In the same vein of respecting people's time, my constructive advice to "Farmer John"- I think that a more succinct description would probably be better received. But you are only one of many frustrated creative writers that I have seen on this site. |
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