Spaniel Springer

Last night, while walking my dog in the gloaming, on the golf course, I thought I was being attacked by a vicious drooling monster. What ackshully happened was that a folle comme une brosse barrel-shaped apparently 400lb chocolate spangle dog came tearing through the trees and knocked me to the ground in its enthusiasm to smell the arse of my delicately well-bred mongrel, and chase it around aimlessly while barking loudly and spraying revolting sticky dog gob around the place.

The only solution to this is the Spaniel Springer - it's a spring-loaded mutt repeller that you attach to your knees so that when a wildly salivating idiot gun dog that's spent most of the past five years stealing children's food and practising iredeemably boisterous behaviour runs into you 'cos it's too stoopid to tell the difference between your leg and open air, you can relax, safe in the knowledge that the brainless furball will be catapulted into the long grass, where its spectacular dribbling and tangible lack of intelligence will be more welcome. You're uprightness will be maintained by the deployment of stabilising errrrm stabilisers when the overweight and overenthusiastic barker collides with you.