Sorta Claus

In his day job, he’s known as Father Nick. He’s a cardinal, so he wears a red suit, but is only half-way to sainthood. (Which makes him a half-saint Nick)

Father Nick aspires to sainthood but has so far been held back by the ignominy of his brief televangelism career and the unexplained appearance of his image in a suspicious stain on a pew at the Church of No Pants. Until sainthood is achieved, he moonlights as…Sorta Claus. In an attempt to rehabilitate his jolly old elf with the Vatican, Sorta Claus has appeared here on Christmas Day for the second year in a row, to spread joy and holiday cheer using his superpower of gift-giving. Admittedly, in some instances he has had to also apply an abundance of his other superpowers, forgiveness and mercy, in order to bring himself to leave some halfbakers with gifts substantially better than switches and coal, but in the spirit of the Gift celebrated at Christmas, he feels justified in his benevolence.

We know that Sorta Claus has visited us again, because beneath the halfbakery Christmas tree we find:

For all those not specifically gifted below, sincerest wishes for peace and happiness on this day when hope shines brighter and miracles are more real, whether hoped-for or remembered. Your name was omitted merely by tragic oversight or because you didn’t meet Sorta’s criterion for active halfbakeity, but you are not forgotten. We all still hold a warm place in our hearts for you and invite you to freely share in the bounty bestowed today.

For 1kester: a “Sushi vending machine,” from which you can finally get your long-sought 2.5 fish.

For 2 fries short of a happy meal: A one-year pass to “Pet Paradise” for your orbital fish.

For 7threalm: from the random bag, a one-year supply of “Hot Dog Spread.”

For 8th of 7: a copy of “Sayings of Confusion.” I’m sure you’ll appreciate the joke, as well as the irony that if you can appreciate the joke, it’s not actually directed against you.

For absterge: your very own “Moment of Noise,” in case you ever again need to go out loudly.

For Admiral Hackbar: your very genuine own indivisible “Banana Pouch.” For natural bananas.

For AfroAssault: It looks like a book, but when you pick it up, it’s promisingly light weight. Checking carefully for wires, ticking sounds, and skin-penetrating poison dust, you rip open the paper to discover: the latest version of an “Online RPG based on Pirate combat and ‘New World’ Exploration.”

For AG2: a full set of “warm fingers.” Just the thing, I’d think, for a fingerless fellow or femme.

For airsmither: from the random bag, a set of “Binary Birthday Candles” for when it’s that time of year.

For AladdinSane2: a “Plasma lamp.” Let’s see what you get when you rub that baby!

For Ali Emami: from the random bag, a once-in-a-lifetime chance to “Win that Knighthood!”

For Almafeta: from the random bag, the travel edition of the ever-popular “Bad Driver Bingo.” No fair driving badly to ensure a win.

For almost_there: from the random bag, a can of “Mirror-Mist.”

For alphabetsoup: from the random bag, a large can of “Muffin Glue.”

For Alphaman: free registration of your name at the “Superhero and Supervillain Name Registration Office.”

For Althalus: a “20 Year Resurrection,” wherewith you might find redemption.

For Amishman35: an “artificial horse leg” to keep you from being stranded late at night and far from home.

For Amos Kito: a “Blood Glucose Indicator Tattoo” to warn you when it’s time to tap a new vein.

For amuron: from the random bag, an “Autoloading toothbrush.”

For Anchovy: a roll of “Wallpaper for fishtanks.”

For andrewm: a plentitude of “Bagel Music,” to with which your filter can replace the undesirable soundz.

For AndyReina: from the random bag, a truckload of “Goodwill Shipping.” Use it next year in the true spirit of Christmas.

For angel: one of them newfangled “Concealed Lightning Rods for Churches,” wherewith thy church bell ringing days might be prolonged.

For angieBC: a “Baby Helmet,” in case of an accident while snow-strolling.

For annfly: from the random bag, one of the really good ones: a “Fort Sofa.”

For anonymous_coward: from the random bag, a whole houseful of “Furniture Bookmarks.”

For antisocial american drifter: a free ride on the “Anti-Suicide train,” and a sincere hope that this small gesture of affection has reached you in time to add a little light to your life.

For arborsmith: a night for two in the “Tree Hotel.”

For arghblah: one month’s services of a tutor who can “Teach Foreign Pronunciation Rules.” If you’re going to use profanity, you might as well get the pronunciation right.

For ASLAN: lessons in how to “Domesticate one of the big cats,” wherewith you might find a mate for life. ‘Course, Aslan should have no problem attracting another cat, so in case you don’t need that gift, Sorta has thrown in a magnificent prize: “A Real Cat House,” for you and your mate.

For asporner: from the random bag, a ‘fridgeful of “Smart Food Containers.” Does smart food make you smart?

For ataraxia: from the random bag, a signed, original work of “Grass Art.” (no, not that kind of grass.)

For Aurora: from the random bag, a set of “Copper coated car tires.”

For bagel: “Cream Cheese Rings.” What else?

For barnzenen: a “Kid mode” cell phone.

For basie: a “Shoe vending machine.” So you can have your own.

For beanslayer: an “Accessible Cabinet Top,” on which you can lay your beans.

For beppe: from the random bag, a chain of “Daisy Chain Headphones.”

For bermo: “Wonder Walls” for your bungalow.

For Bert6322: from the random bag, a complete set of “Mondrian tiles.” Oooh, retro.

For bhbookworm: a library card valid at a library staffed by “animal librarians.” Maybe even worms.

For BigBrother: a “Bubblewrap repair kit,” for bubblewrap that is not (yet) broken. Carefully packaged in a box of Styrofoam peanuts.

For Bikecicle: from the random bag, a pair of front row seats at a “velcro wedding.”

For BinaryCookies: a “Pentium 4 Easy Bake Oven.” Use it to fight off that cryonic permafrost.

For Bingowings: from the random bag, a pair of “Air Assisted Cat Levitation Trousers.” Enjoy.

For blissmiss: a visit from the local “Guerilla Halfbakers” cell, who will under cover of darkness descend upon the domain of your stone-brained boss (see “Office Belle”) and administer the entire array of “Weapons of Mass Irritation.”

For blaise: a great gift from the random bag: “Serious Putty!”

For blts: a can of “’Spravy,’ The Aerosol Gravy,” because condiments go so well on BLTs.

For BobTheBaker: a personal “Fatal Auto Collision Song,” to deploy shortly after your blackout device.

For bookworm: a career writing “Calvinball Contracts.”

4 brad4brad: from the random bag…oh dear! Now, don’t take this the wrong way. I mean, in olden days boys who had been bad would get a lump of coal. But this isn’t just coal, it’s “Coloured Coal!” Just in case you’re not thrilled with the coal, Sorta has also slipped you a “Front Door Message Machine.”

For bradley: from the random bag, a “Back-Scratching T-shirt.” On the front it says, “I scratched my parents’ backs and all they got me was this lousy T-shirt.”

For briandamage: a “remote repair” contract for that brian or yours.

For brianparry: from the random bag, a “washing wardrobe.”

For bristolz: a “Dentist office sign language chart,” which you may present to your smart dentist as a token of your esteem.

For brownpaper: from the brown paper random bag, two tickets to see the Broadway debut of “Leth.,” starring in…sorry, but for the moment I’ve forgotten the show’s name. How embarrassing.

For bryons: a “Clever-Shower.” A power source for your radio!

For bspollard: from the random bag, a closet full of “Arecibo Message knit sweaters.”

For BugZapper: from the random bag, a garageful of “Holonomic Cars.” That random bag’s a pretty big bag.

For buddha_pest: A meat-locker full of “Venisoy.”

For bumhat: a job as technical director for the world premiere of “Global Zen Midi.”

For bungston: from the random bag, a fun-filled day at the “Car test-drive center.” Maybe they’ll have a car with violet brake lights.

For BunsenHoneydew: a “Junior Mad-Scientist Research Set.”

For bushman: from the random bag, a “GBU Video Camera.”

For Butterbean: from the random bag, a fistful of tickets to ride “Carnival Rides for the Elderly.” Give them as gifts, or if you’re not yet elderly, save them until you are.

For CAO: a “Washing machine cow catcher.” (Yes, it’s a pun.)

For Caracal: a pair of “Iceberg Sculptures,” in the shape of battleships, of course.

For carjug4: from the random bag, “3-way Xmas crackers,” so you can go to Christmas parties without a date, if you wish.

For cassandra: a “Pet Fox,” because 7 is the perfect number, after all.

For Chaos_5: Half a pair of “Symbiotic Ideas,” to share with your twin.

For chaos_6: Half a pair of “Idées Symbiotiques.” (see above)

For chard: an “Idiot Proof Snooze Button.” No more average delirious inane late-to-work embarrassment.

For charlesw: a whole pile of “New ideas via concatenation.” Since you love them so much.

For CheeseFilteredCigarette: from the random bag, fourty-three (43) “Connecting Coins.”

For chileheadplumber: a set of “Real Snap On Tools and Fasteners.”

For chRONic2003: from the random bag, a “Postmodern History Map.” Woohoo!

For cl_calkins: from the random bag, a beautiful new “Gleam in Your Smile.”

For clairepanda: a “Blowerphone,” which may do in a pinch, in case you ever need a trumpet note maker.

For cods: from the random bag, a “Self Regulating Electric Blanket.”

For coinop29: a lifetime membership in the “Guerrilla Halfbakers,” seeing as how you’ve been dutifully baking halfbaked concepts for at least three years now, even without having first seen them posted on the hb site. Remember, this is a secret organization, so don’t tell anyone.

For colaaddict: a 24-pack of “Frech Ground Cola.” Don’t OD, now.

For computerfreak: a “time travel computer game.” Don’t forget to eat, bathe, and sleep at least four hours a day.

For Corona688: a one year pass on the “Bar Bus.”

For CordiallyYours: from the random bag, a designer set of “Emergency Clip-On Banana Stalks.”

For Cowbell: a “book scanner,” since you asked.

For Cracked Helmut: a “Rapid Goober Detector,” with which to seek your perfect mate.

For crawdaddy: from the random bag, “Thunderpants!”

For CrumbsDM: a “Cut’n’Paste Pen.” I’d think this could be quite useful to a civil draftsman (or even a rude one).

For cswiii: another “self-installing tent peg.” Hang on. In a few years you’ll have enough to set up a tent.

For dag: a “Job morality indicator,” so you can better assess the wisdom when you want to switch back from rocket scientist to any of the other options.

For dalek: wonder of wonders from the random bag, a “Kaleidoklock!”

For Damn: sorta will “Buy A Government” for you so you can have your own Damn nation. Er, well, since that doesn’t quite sound right, here’s a bonus “book scanner” from the random bag.

For Darknight: from the random bag, a CD full of “Bagel Music.”

For davea0511: a coupon for a free meal for two at “The House of the Rising Bun.”

For dbsousa: a couple of ties with “Transparent Tie Patterns,” to wear to important meetings at your transparent corporation.

For Del: a “ctrl-alt-del-del-del-del-del” key, because who doesn’t love the sound of their own name?

For demo_nova: from the random bag, a pocket “Muzak Zapper.” Celebrate the birthday of the Prince of Peace with a little, well, peace.

For DenholmRicshaw: your very own pair of “Stair pants.” They’ll keep your static-cat nearby as it ages, and best of all, they come without any pole whatsoever.

For Dinney_Squinney: from the random bag, a “Blacklisting browser.”

For discom bob: from the random bag, a “washing wardrobe.”

For djjosh1200: a “DJ Rappin’ Cap” (one that works).

For dlinnk: from the random bag, a season pass to the “Museum of Mistakes.” I hope that’s not a mistake.

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For Dog Ed: a “Segway for Dogs.” I wonder how it’d work in the water.

For donnythebull: from the random bag, a certificate good for a free dinner for two a the “Bollywood Theme Restaurant.”

For DrBob: a “Doppelganger Search System,” with which to find prospective twins in the real world.

For DrCurry: a “urine test pellet,” with which one might avoid adding to the list of failed tests. And since that’s a rather lame gift, Sorta has added a rather nice consolation prize: yes, it’s a “Hullaballoon!”

For DrDanK: from the random bag, a “Hot air balloon harpoon.” Careful which way you point that thing.

For dreamchaser: a “lucid dreams inductor.” Sort of like a rabbit trap, but for dreams instead of rabbits. Maybe you won’t have to chase them so much.

For drfowler: a “Marital Status necklace.” If ya got it, flaunt it!

For Drstrathmore: from the random bag, a season pass to the “Lake of Firesnakes Fun Pool.”

For DRudge: from the random bag, a “portable magic speech printer.” For printing all your magic speeches.

For drzeus: a “geocorder.” As you know, Sorta Claus travels extensively (gotta keep up with the competition). He also thinks you have a gift for writing that is worth nurturing, and he’d like to be able to read your travelogues in the space in which they were inspired.

For Ed Avis: from the random bag, a lifetime supply of “BeerNuts Gum.”

For edzspace: from the random bag, a “Global Ambience Radio.” Hear the shots fired ‘round the world.

For egbert: from the random bag, one “Giant air hockey” game for you and your friends.

For egnor: a “Million Piece Online Jigsaw Puzzle,” as a companion to your cat picture.

For Ehrm: a personal “Shark defence” system, for…ehrm…I don’t know.

For electrick: from the random bag, a box of “Ba-Cones.”

For Elhoy: the world’s first SCUTA system, installed in your town, so you can put to use your SCUBA training while simultaneously saving energy in your personal transportation needs.

For eliza_m: a seat on the “Mad Science Research Council.”

For equwiner: tickets to a “horse hockey” game. Just a guess.

For Eugene: a day in which serious consideration is given to plans to “Move U.S. Capital.” To Eugene, of course, where else?

For Evil_Baron_Moustachio: a trial run using “Fun With Marketers” as your new hobby. And as a bonus, a “Baby Helmet.” Yes, there’s another “Baby Helmet” under the tree for angelBC, but who said there could only be one. And it seems so perfect for you.

For EvilHomer: “8 months in a year.” The other four you’ll have to earn on your own, but these eight you get for free. Enjoy.

For falcospav: from the random bag, a tin of “1’000 Monkeys Fortune Cookies.” What a crumby gift!

For FarmerJohn: a “Keyboard Ant Farm,” so you can fend off those pesky questions about whether or not you’re a real farmer.

For FarrisGoldstein: a free ticket to a “Pedants Anonymous” meeting. Me hopes thou wilt not protest too much. And a bagful of “Codpieces and Other Ancient Fashion Statements.”

For fedora33dbq: from the random bag, a “Soondial.”

For figment210: from the random bag, a Two Towers DVD with “The John Doe Audio Commentary.”

For figure8out: from the random bag, an “FAA approved pocket tool.” Please don’t use it to take the plane apart during flight.

For filterX: from the random bag, a pair of “FX Boots.” What could be more fun?

For firebyrd: a first edition copy of the “Halfbakery correct nursery rhymes.”

For Flambo: from the random bag, an “Auto Shut-Off Coffee Maker.”

For fogfreak: a “12 volt house,” until your wall warts become reality.

For foreigner_44: a new job, should you desire it, in which you “Teach Foreign Pronunciation Rules” to us halfbakers.

For Freefall: a “Smart, nasty alarm clock,” to make sure you wake up before you hit the ground.

For friendlyfire: honorary membership in the “Guerilla Pedants,” which automatically converts to full membership after one year.

For FritzBenwalla: from the random bag, a “Cube Pool” table. It’s not just for “squares” anymore.

For funed: from the random bag, a new suit of “Bubble Wrap Clothing.” Even more fun for Ed.

For funboy: a Saturday afternoon with “No walls in auto racing.” Underwater, of course.

For FunkinDonuts: from the random bag, a “freeze torch.” Maybe not so useful now, but just wait ‘til summer!

For futurebird: a book full of “Sign Language ‘Poetry’,” just because I think you’d like it.

For geakster1837: a temp job with the “International Geek Exchange” service. Make that Geak Exchange.

For gekko959: from the random bag, a “Laser cut pizza,” cut in the shape of a croissant.

For General Washington: temporary control of a “Legal Management Organization,” in which you can entrap your Devil’s Advocate in an impenetrable web of red tape and controls.

For getagrip: from the random bag, a “Bungee Bike.” Yay!

For getbacker: from the random bag, a “Clear Dishwasher.” Keep your clear dishes clean.

For Gf222: a day of “Micro Sub Fishing,” in the waters off the coast of the Halfbakery homeland.

For Girlkicksboy: two and one half headsful of “Iridescent Hair,” since you asked.

For Glempius: from the random bag, a “Semi-Domesticated Boar Disposal System.” Batteries not included.

For GMAN1961: a “hand bra.” Now you know where to find one.

For goober: from the random bag, a “Segway Platform Ladder.” Never falls over! (at least that’s what it says on the box.

For goobereater: a “Rapid Goober Detector,” with which you may never be hungry again.

For gootyam: “Headache Relief.” With a hole that size, you’re really gonna need this.

For GoredDawg: from the random bag, “A round fridge.” You can keep your tuit cold in it, if you get one.

For Graciem: a glamorous new wardrobe of “Peltier clothing,” to address your thermal comfort concerns.

For green_umbrella: from the random bag, a one year “Sandwich subscription.”

For gruba: a “Mouse Dynamo,” ‘cause whatcha gonna do wid a mouse after ya catch’im?

For Gulherme: “The Fonz Start Jukebox.” It’ll help you sell your notions about who you’re cooler than. ‘Fraid I can’t help you with the “smarter than” part.

For guyh: a season pass to “Hard Hat World.” What better place for a real guy?

For Guncrazy: a half-year subscription in the “Gun-of-the-Month Club.”

For Gwenanda: from the random bag, a “Cellphone radio telescope.” See who’s phoning home.

For half: The home edition of “Half a Word Game.” Pretty cool to have a word game named after you, huh?

For halitus: from the random bag, a reserved parking space with a “Parking Meter That Gives Change.”

For HarryMudd: a job at “Kentucky Fried Turkey,” which you can use to dispose of leftovers when you can’t be bothered to use your cookbook.

For Helium: a lucrative contract to make guest appearances on the “Hot Helium Ship.” Haven’t you always wanted to have your own fan club? And since that should have been the way your gift was presented last year, an additional gift by way of compensation: a “Balloonachute,” in case things get too hairy on the ship.

For herilane: “The Chocolate You.” (*That’s* why you should tell me anything.)

For hippo: a “B&W mirror” to install in your Film Noir Home.

For Hitler S**kitten: Seventy-two megabytes of “Brain Squirrel Technology™.” Please don’t use it to conquer the world.

For hollajam: a box and a half of “Super ‘Stars’,” on which to swing.

For HomerX: complete and total administrative and financial control of “TCN.” Since it so nicely blends your interest in entertainment media and Canadianosity.

For horripilation: from the random bag, an “Electric Coffee Mug/Cookie Oven.” Yum!

For horselover66: an “Equine Heart Monitor,” to measure just how much the horse loves *you*.

For HowardMarks: from the random bag, an “Inflatable cup holder.” Since that’s a pretty cheap gift, make it a hundred of ‘em.

For Huge: a book entitled “Suppress Your Sex Drive: Get More Things Done!” to help you celebrate WAD. And get more things done, too, of course.

For Humptydank: from the random bag, a ‘fridgeful of “Instant Hot Beverages.” Please don’t drink and drive.

For iain: from the random bag…Oh no! You open the box and there’s nothing in there but bubble wrap. Sorta must’ve forgotten the gift. But as the bubble wrap rises from the box it dawns on you that this isn’t just any bubble wrap. It’s “Helium Bubble Wrap!”

For ImBack: “No New Windows.” Because you’re sure to prefer that to some new windows. And there, slithering around in the bottom of the box, are “No Leeches,” for the same reason.

For imthatwillguy: from the random bag, a “Singing Business Card.” Now people will know exactly which will guy you are.

For ironfroggy: an “Uncle Milty’s Maggot Farm” kit. The ironmaggot edition!

For IronJeff: from the random bag, a “Light Mobile.” Who would want a heavy mobile, anyway?

For Isis: a “well weird dictionary,” in which you may be able to find out what the definition of is is.

For ithildin: “4-eyes,” with which you can be twice as visionary.

For IVnick8or: honorary citizenship in the “Latin-Speaking Nation.” As a bonus, a “heart guard,” because sooner or later, a IVnick8or will need one.

For jackoutofthebox: as inventor of duogo, you are hereby named honorary marshal of the “International Boing.”

For Jadd: from the random bag, a shiny new pair of “Pedestrian Pendulums” (sic). For walking around and stuff.

For jambo: a “Cloud height coloured smoke rocket.” Fly enough for you?

For Jaraleth: from the random bag, a “CPU Mounted Lava Lamp.”

For jasonh300: from the random bag, a “GiantEtchasketch.” Cool.

For jasonharper: a “Flea-catching cat flap” for Tabitha.

For jbayes: from the random bag, a “’Rainy Night in Georgia’ Umbrella.” But these are popular, so you’ll have to wait in line for it.

For jediprincess_3: what else but “A REAL Lightsabre.” Or Lightsaber, if you prefer.

For Jeeves: a “Pre-recording answering machine,” with which you can answer all those questions people ask you.

For jeffserv: a “Ping Pong Reservoir,” in which to keep all your ocean water.

For JFarley: from the random bag, a set of “polarised window blinds.” So now you can maintain privacy in nuclear submarines.

For jgittins: a three month subscription to the “Petrol Price WAP Service.” You know why.

For Jinbish: a village “Idiot Proof Snooze Button.” Now settle back in for a worry-free nap.

For jjisakson: a free “Spam Tarot” reading. For demonstration purposes only. No wagering, please.

For Jkew: from the random bag, a game! It’s the “Human Buzzer Thing!”

For joker_of_the_deck: a full set of “HB trading cards,” so you’ll have lots of friends to play with.

For jon3: a “Baby License,” just in case your fatherhood is challenged.

For jon5674: from the random bag, a “Personalized Picture Clock.”

For josh: a “Josh,” by gosh!

For jplummer: “Job interview obstacle course” training, because based on your history, you may be needing it soon.

For jsalmon: eleven “Fishties,” for when you want to dress up.

For juanmanandez: from the random bag, a watch with “Time Magnification.”

For Junkbilt: from the random bag, a “Bike LoJack.” Good luck.

For junkmail: from the random bag, a “Boogeyman Beware” device. Boo!

For jurist: a one-year retainer for the services of “Santa Claus Man,” to provide security on your cruises.

For jutta: your very own personal “Panic PIN.” It doesn’t seem like much, but people around here tell me it’s the best thing under the tree. And as a bonus, perhaps the most sacrificial gift Sorta can offer: a “Life outside the half-bakery.”

For karunai: from the random bag, a great big tub o’ “Goo.” Oooey-gooey, yum, yum, yum!

For kasper: a “Ghost Phone.” Give us a call sometime, why doncha?

For kaz: your own personal “Halfbakery comic strip,” so you can indulge two passions at once. Efficient, huh?

For kobushi: from the random bag, a “Lazy River Office” upgrade. Welcome to the big time.

For kpx: a “Shower Writing Kit.” If cleanliness is indeed next to Godliness, then your writing can be truly inspired.

For krelnik: a pantry full of “Jazz Food.” Eat to the beat. And kudos, by the way, for your newbie posting guide.

For kropotkin: an invitation to participate in “regifting day.” You may even want to regift this gift to someone.

For kwkary: from the random bag, exactly nine “Dynamic Crop Circles.”

For lahosken: a freezerful of “Vegetarian Seafood.” Four times as many fish!

For landruc: from the random bag, tickets for two to the “Virtual Escher Experience.”

For lapax: from the random bag, a “Transparent Kitchen.” Will wonders never cease?

For Laser Flannel: a “Poetry Microphone.”

For Le Champ: from the random bag, tickets for two to an “Airship Aerobatics” show.

For Limey2: a “Citrus Sucker.” Careful how you use it!

For linguist: a pantryful of “lonely man meals.”

For lisalikes70scheese: a premium assortment of “Celebrity Cheese,” including the ever popular Farah Fawcett, Billie Jean King, and Karen Carpenter varieties.

For lliillaa: a numbered and signed work of original “3D Bubble Art.” You might call it Pop Art. Then again, you might not.

For lolo: citizenship in the “Halfbakery Homeland,” so you can move where you want to.

For Loris: A pile of “Blank Wooden Building Blocks,” intentionally left blank.

For LoriZ: an internship as assistant foley operator on “The Open Source Movie Project.”

For Louie: a vial of a “Synesthesia Drug.” Amadeus assures us it’s safe and non-addictive, but check with your doctor first, okay?

For lubbit: an “Eclipse Zeppelin.” Perhaps it can take you to that imaginary wor(l)d.

For lucidrains: a whole set of “new punctuation marks,” so you can tell us more about yourself.

For Ludwig: a halfbaker’s dozen “hardhats for eggs.” Musical, mechanical ones.

For lurch: from the random bag, a “Self Healing Bulletproof Vest.” If yourself makes an inflammatory remark, then it’s ok.

For MadJack: a trial pair of “Socks with buttons.”

For Malakh: a pair of “Standup chameleons.” You can dress them up.

For madradish: a “Last-Minute Afterlife for Atheists” card to hide up your sleeve when playing Godopoly.

For Mandy2: from the random bag, a “Cubicle Barbecue.” Barbecue your cubicle.

For Marassa: a two week stay in a “halfbakery addiction - detox” center. Before it’s too late.

For matculv: from the random bag, a “Fake Mouse Cannon.” Fun whether you have cats or not!

For matt-s: a “Refrigerated Undershirt.” Cool, huh?

For Mayfly: your choice from a car park full of “Insect driven cars.” So you don’t have to always be buzzing off.

For McFodder: from the random bag, “A Really, Really Half-Baked Calendar.” The 2002 version, of course.

For Mharr: a pair of enormous new “Nightshift Towers,” built to your specs.

For Micky Dread: from the random bag, a “Jack-in-the Box Toaster.”

For mihali: “The Ending of War” (as named, not as proposed by Salty Ham). Not quite the same as peace, but at least acknowledgment that your prayers have been heard.

For mine: nine “Hypno-Ties.” All yours.

For Miss Bianca: from the random bag, a brilliant “jigsaw wall.”

For Miss Weston Smith: a “Boston Shotgun Navigator,” adapted for your locale, to get you safely down that road you’re on.

For modul: two tickets to the Broadway premiere of “Cheech!”

For monkeyevil: a “Winged Monkey Sprinkler.” For your lawn, for showers, whatever.

For Monkfish: an “EggZooka!” to use in defending your sofa.

For MrSheep: a “Counting Sheep” screen saver for your computer. Stay awake, now.

For mrthingy: a “Crust Free Milk Carton” of “Sugar Milk” for your caffeinated cereal. Zzzingggg!

For mungaz: from the random bag, a license to operate “Oriental Construction Equipment.”

For muppetboy: a recurring role on the “Muppet Soap Opera.”

For my face your: a “Ham ball.” Get half a loaf of Rye bread and you can make some tasty sandwiches with all that Swiss cheese.

For mymus: a free “Spelling License.” No need to take the test!

For n2dep2care: an invitation to be honorary marshal of the “Large-Figured Pride Day” parade. More is more.

For namuh: sixteen and three quarters sticks of “HumanButter.” Might make humans squeamish, but tasty, I’d think, for a namuh.

For neelandan: a “Cure-Cough” lolly, for that blue throat of yours.

For NerdGirl: a dose of the “Anti-unrequited-love drug.” A rather obvious gift, I admit, but helpful nonetheless, I hope.

For newguy: “Hijack-proof Planes” in which to ply your piloting.

For nick_n_uit: some “Ponytail Fasterners in Holiday Colors,” for your chia hair.

For Nick@Nite: an “ ‘I might want to watch that’ button,” programmed for reruns only.

For nick_n_uit: a set of “Mini-razors,” for trimming your chia hair.

For Ninkasi: “instantbeer!” For when you just don’t have the time to make fresh-brewed.

For nitram: from the random bag, the personal services of a ‘Hire-a-Stalker.” Welcome to the big time.

For nizgy16: a freezerful of frozen “Rubik’s Pizza” toppings.

For noglider: four thousand gallons of “aircraft fuel,” which one hopes will be useful in your apparent state of gliderlessness.

For notme: from the random bag, a “B&W camera.”

For obsessive_doodler: a “House of Rage.” Check out the all the rage-a-hol in the cellar!

For old-giffer01: from the random bag, a pod of “Pop-Peas.” Yum!

For oneoffdave: from the random bag, a pint of “Star Trek Beer.” Oops, spilled some! There ya go, I’ll just top it off.

For Osiris2: from the random bag, a “Shower thermostat.”

For pangolin: from the random bag, a “Real Life UFO.”

For pashute: a new job modifying “Modifiable Movie Music.”

For Parvenu: a new hobby: “Anonymous Gift-Giving.” Because it really is better to give than to receive, and it’s a way to use your anonymity for good.

For paulb2: from the random bag, a “Date Teleprompter (sic).”

For paulb3: from the random bag, an “Office Paper Golf” game.

For peterippe: a “Retractable Belt Cell Phone.” (Guessing that would appeal to a geek.)

For PeterSilly: a pair of Astrogoggles (a brand new pair – not the pair waugsqueke got last year). Space-y.

For Pharaoh Mobius: “Your own dancers” to accompany your theme machine.

For phi_16: from the random bag, a “Doggie Kite.” Wag the dog.

For Phil-from-France: the right for one day to “Pretend everything was invented by someone French.” Mais, naturellement!

For philthechill: a “Swiss Bank Credit Card,” to help you securely and privately spend all the money you’ll get from your million dollar ideas.

For phoenix: a matched set of “Double Helix Escalators” to Heaven. Because if you have to walk, you’re going to get really really tired.

For pinksoftsoap: from the random bag, a “Microwave powered glass steam engine.”

For pmadd: from the random bag, a “Propane fueled video display.” Watch all the hottest movies.

fo po: a pair of “Winky Sunglasses,” to make TW jealous.

For Pookie: from the random bag, a password granting free access to the “online database of bike trails.”

For psiko_q: from the random bag, a “Simultaneous multi-shutterspeed video camera.”

For psneekes: “Cotton Cheese,” to go with your macaroni.

For PurpleBob: from the random bag, a “Chess Skateboard.”

For Quispy: a “Singing bath” 2üb.

For raisin: a gourmet dinner featuring “Lava Fried Chicken.” (Tastes like chicken.)

For ravenswood: “My Very First Sonogram,” since you asked.

For RayfordSteele: the “ultimate PDA.” Not such a great idea, it seems, on its own merits, but in the hands of an e-Jutsu master…

For rbl: a set of “Speech Balloon Placards.” All blank, so the whole world can hear what you have to say.

For rdudeja: from the random bag, a “portable garage.” A place for your transparent car.

For reap: a freezerful of “Battleship Icecubes.” Something to drink with that soup, sir?

For RebelliousFerret: a lifetime prescription for the “Anti-unrequited-love drug,” to hold you over until you find happily ever after. Or it finds you.

For redshift9: an “Inflatable House” in which to house your disco ball.

For reensure: some lovely pork skins served at the “BYO Recipe Restaurant,” cooked up according to a recipe by the immortal Archie Puff.

For Rexaldo: from the random bag, an “urban jungle (gym).”

For Richard K: from the random bag, an “alarm clock on wheels.”

For Rightshoe: free medical care for one year at “Dr. Sue’s.” But you know the first thing they’ll prescribe is a left shoe (and then a red one and a blue one).

For riposte: an “Avalanche Balloon,” to rescue you from that bottomless pit. Also, since you “asked,” a cell phone with “Cell phone audio memory.” (Check use no. 3).

For riverouse: from the random bag, a big ol’ wad of “Power Putty.” I wonder, if you stick Power Putty on the TV when cartoons are running, does an image of the cartoon transfer to the putty?

For rjd44: from the random bag, a season’s pass to the “Swimming Pool Movie Theatre.”

For RoadRash: an “Electric Plaster Cast,” for that nasty sore you seem to have.

For Rob C: from the random bag, a “Mood Moustache.”

For Rods Tiger: an enormous personal vault in the “Halfbakery Time Capsule” for all your many many ideas.

For rootbear48: your face on a “MAD Fold-In Billboard.” Even better than your name in lights!

For rowlycat: a “deja vu home,” where you need never again fear exile.

For rrr: a seal pup from “Puppymania,” that will lick your face and say your name.

For runonthespot: from the random bag, a “Markov Googler.” When you get it running, send me a note. Sorta would like to see it for himself.

For russelm: a car radio tuned to “KOFY,” for the days when your in-car coffee maker is on the fritz.

For rwg1995: from the random bag, a “bad milk indicator.”

For ry4an: an all-expenses-paid weekend at the “Tree Hotel” resort.

For rzrzrz: from the random bag, a free pass for you and a guest to see the entire slate of 2003’s “Movies with Toon Physics.”

For sadie: a free ride each week for a year to the local “Cynics Anonymous” meeting.

For samwyse: an “Official LOTR D.I.Y. ‘One Ring.’”

For sanwogawoga: from the random bag, a giant box of “Shape Memory Crayons.” Colo(u)r your world.

For Sasha: from the random bag, free membership and drinks for a year at “The Animal.”

For scad mientist: one year’s tuition to a school that teaches the “Mad Scientist College Curriculum” (and spelling).

For ScepticAL: from the random bag, two and a half pounds of “Canned Steam.” It works. Really. Trust me.

For screwdriverqueen: a “Universal Screwdriver.” Why stop with Earth when you can dominate the entire universe?

For sd4fan: from the random bag, a family-size bottle of “Soy Spritz!”

For sdm: a truckload of “Heresy Kisses,” with which to stock your talented vending machine.

For Seaneeboy: from the random bag, a huge wad of “Entangled Jewelry.”

For senatorjam: a halfbaker’s dozen “Fake Lives,” as a retort to the suggestion on the kidwings site.

For sensuousflow: a “Water Reflection Nightlight.” Sensuous flow and then some.

For sergeant dukie: an “Exploding Anger Doll.” Vent, man, vent!

For Shz: from the random bag, a washing machine with “Washing Cycle Select.”

For sild: a “Meat Stripper.” Send the meat to me.

For SimonC: from the random bag, a “Halfbakery Artistic Appreciation Calendar 2003.”

For sin: a “Last words generator.” It’ll come in handy if the Bible’s right about the wages of sin.

For sirrobin: a “RPG language course with speech recognition and generation.” Feed your passion and learn a new language at the same time!

For skinflaps: “The telemarketer revenge machine,” for when Instant Wrath turns on its creator.

For skp: “A Standard for Demagogues,” as an aid to the purveyance of dogmatic assertions.

For Skullhead: a “Necklace Alarm”. Quantumly (sic) entangled.

For Sleepygrass: a “Foamy Spoon,” with which you can stir that hot pot.

For snarfyguy: a “Cornputer.” Create new software every time you eat peas!

For Sonny Beaudlaire: from the random bag, how about “A hedgehog?”

For SOPSALSO: from the random bag, a gold medal for finishing first in a “Run in Place Race.”

For soster: from the random bag, a “Phonetic Karaoke” machine.

For spanlab: from the random bag, a waterfront lot in the “Political Ideology Archipelago.” Island of your choice.

For skyhi: from the random bag, great fun: the “image search game!”

For st3f: a contraband bottle of a “Minor Miracle Drug.” Because you have to perform at least a minor miracle or two if you’re going to be a real saint.

For Steve DeGroof: a “Parrot Bubble.” Have a silent night.

For SteveAdams: from the random bag, a “Friend & Neighbour Insurance” policy.

For SublimeGTP: from the random bag, one year’s prepaid access to “wherestheicecreamtruck.com.”

For supercat: for starters, a “Smart Sheet Music” device to place on your LCD music stand (you know what they say about great minds), but since UnaBubba’s getting one of those, you also get a couple of new super “Cat Computers.” All the better for halfbaking.

For Supercruiser: a “Glove Mouse,” for when that Winter Mouse freezes up.

For supergoof: from the random bag, a “Disposable Anti-Shark Attack Surfboard.” Gnawly, dude.

For SynchronizedSolutions: a “Beautiful car” on which to install the car parts you design.

Fot t0fukrunch: from the random bag, a fleet fleet of “Flying robot fish.”

For talen: “The Mad Hat.” And since that gift seems a few weeks late, there’s also a “Dream Recorder.” Use it to make the world.

For taution2: “pre-scored eggs.” …and square sausage – Yumm!

For TBK: A complete list of “Scenic Air Routes,” so you’ll always be able to find an enjoyable route on your wanderlust journeys.

For tboo: from the random bag, an “orbital guppies” set.

For tbudney: from the random bag, a random bag full of “stuff that gets sad when stolen.”

For td: your own personal “Support Group for Computer Professionals.”

For TemporalFlux: a wardrobe full of “Sci Fi Fashion.”

For Testing_1_2_3: a “Ramones Intro” each time you enter a room.

For thecaptain: a pair of “Sea Legs.”

For The Dude: from the random bag, a “Hurt Keyboard.” Don’t get mad, get even.

For The Kat: a “Kitty-Kat Nighttime Playmate.” (Ahem.)

For TheZ: from the random bag, a “4 day working week.” Of course, you can still play in the halfbakery on your new day off.

For thirteen113: a “Luck Generator.” With a name like that, you may need it.

For thorsent: from the random bag, a set of “Fish Mobiles.” Yay!

For threelittleduckswentoutoneday: a basket of bagels made from “Pleasure Dough.” I think you’ll find it a step up from playdoh (sic).

For thumbwax: a “Vending Machine Performance Art” upgrade for your root beer float machine.

For thcgenius: a “cookie sander,” in case your Leggos ever get burned around the edges.

For tkeyser: sorta has made the halfbakery “Voting Age: Zero.” We’d hate for you not to vote because of your youth.

For ton80: from the random bag, a “Keyring smoke alarm.” Umm, remember to turn it off before lighting up.

For trible: from the random bag, your very own “Book Trade Vending Machine.”

For Trodden: this space is left blank intentionally…But no, sorta couldn’t be that heartless. Instead, here’s a pile of “Non-wussie stuffed animals,” to keep your teddy bear company.

For ttam: “two jobs.” Good ones. (Do I get $200?)

For Tubby!: from the random bag, a “Rain gauge alarm clock.”

Fot TwoSheds: “The Monty Python Brake Assist System,” installed on your car.

For ty6: from the random bag, a set of “Toe Cozies.” Perfect for this winter weather we’re having.

For Tysenworld: a “Random Holiday Generator.” Take the day off to generate descriptions.

For tyskland: a “BabelPerson,” to help you when you lose your way getting from German to English and back.

For ucanbakeonagrill: a “Burning Food Detector” for your grill, to prevent inadvertent triple-halfbaking.

For ucirfan: a real live visit to the Nude Supermarket, because (you know why).

For ugly_joe: an invitation to serve as honorary marshal of this year’s “Ugly Pride” parade.

For UnaBubba: some “Smart Sheet Music” to accompany your many smart lyrics.

For UnBolta: from the random bag, a “Glowing Mug.” The kind you fill with coffee; your face is already radiant.

For UrineForATreat: some “Stackable Bottles” in which to store your, erm, “treat.”

For vandamme: from the random bag, “Sim Mall!”

For VeryCoolCat: a “Microwave warmer.” So you needn’t be so chilly.

For vistalyst: shares in the “halfbakery IPO.” (one way to get something baked.)

For voodootoaster: from the random bag, a “Digital Watch Shirt.” Oooh, geeky.

For WanderingKnight: a coupon valid for a promotion to “King For A Day Or So.”

For watermelancholy: you’re v’ery ‘own “Apostrophe Shooter.”

For waugsqueke: one free consultation with a “mile attorney” so you can straighten out your frequent flyer miles and go clothes-shopping in Cleveland. Or California.

For waxingpoetic: the services of a “Rent a Family” in the hopes that they will at least temporarily provide the friendship you seek.

For Wayfall: from the random bag, a “Fun Trippy Room.” Groovy, man.

For wcmcg: from the random bag, a shiny new “99 pence piece.”

For welcome_to_orenburg: a “Prefabricated Gingerbread House” your mayor. If he can’t get through the door, maybe squirrels can eat their way in and rescue him.

For whlanteigne: from the random bag, a “Shower-cam.” Watch someone else’s shower.

For weller: from the random bag, a “GPS Walkman.”

For wemwirth: from the random bag, a toasterful of “Toaster Cookies.” Maybe you could leave one out for Sorta next year.

For Wess: “Canned Coffee,” to go with the donuts you got last year.

For whimsickle: a “Fish Guillotine” to use in your sushi restaurant.

For wiseguy: ahh, hmm. Sorta doesn’t really know what this gift is. It’s wrapped, and it has your name on it, but it’s not one of the gifts prepared by Sorta’s elf. It has a tag here, that says it’s from “Santini Claus.”

For wobegon4454: from the random bag, a “Truck Harpoon.” Boy, I’m glad to get that out of the bag. It’s been stabbing me all night.

For Wombatman: a “Sidekick.” You’ll have to decide the name of your sidekick; all I can think of right now is ‘womrobin,’ and that just doesn’t have the cachet you want in a sidekick.

For wonbadappl: a pair of pants made of “Apple Leather.”

For wow: from the random bag, a new set of furniture with “Stereoscopic Upholstery.”

For X2Entendre: an “I’m coming!” telephone. (get it?)

For xt: from the random bag, a set of “turbo dodgems.” Lookout!

For XSarenkaX: a “Personal Home Omni-theater,” on which you can watch those favorite TV shows from Yesterdayland. Perhaps you can understand why Sorta has a fond place in his heart for the second one in your list.

For xxxx2: a real, live “Hair Raiser.” Should be great for Halloween.

For yaffo: from the random bag, a “Waterfall shower.”

For yahyooha: some “massive retro cellphones,” since you asked.

For yamahito: a basket from “Helena Handbaskets” for your pun database.

For yinrose7: 100 shares of the country of your choice from among the “Publically Traded Countries.” Pick the one you love the most.

For yomimbus: from the random bag, a “Lego PDA.”

For youngsmith: a ticket to next year’s “Black Powder Games.”

For yu-: from the random bag, a year’s pass on the “all stops bus.” Yu- may need a year’s pass to get where yu- want to go.

For Zazzman: from the random bag, a “Blink Pacemaker.” Don’t look at me like that.

For zippyanna: a “Mood Moustache.” Handlebar style, of course.

For zpprhed: a place at the head of the “10 words or fewer express queue.” Because the last shall be first. And a free ticket on the train of your choice.

Disclaimer: To the degree possible using available information, Sorta Claus has attempted to select a gift that will be of personal value to each individual halfbaker. Where insufficient information existed, he has made what he hopes is an appealing selection from his bag of random halfbakery morsels. In the case that any halfbaker is dissatisfied, he offers the reminder that “It’s the thought that counts.” Sorta Claus’ list of active halfbakers includes, to the best of Sorta’s knowledge, all those posting between December 1 and December 24, 2002. He has probably missed someone important, for which he sincerely apologizes.