h a l f b a k e r yIf you need to ask, you can't afford it.
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My friends were, without exception, terrific during the one major tragedy in my life. However like most people they are absolute dunderheads when it comes to minor upsets because they don't know what to say. In those cases they come up with advice-style comments, which fall into three major categories:
1)
"This too shall pass". Stressing the temporary nature of the calamity. Useless, makes you feel bad about feeling bad, based on a wrong philosphy about life which assumes that results are more important than experiences.
2) "Your base salary makes your bonus look huge!" Highlighting the obscure upside of a sucky thing. Also useless, mostly untrue, dismissive.
3) "You think that's bad..." One-upping you in the crappy event. Rarely instructional, forces you to be even more negative about your own situation so you can regain the attention, devolves into a hit parade of the oppressed.
To help your friends and acquaintaces express solidarity with you during semi-troubling times, we bring you this line of Smallmark Cards. These cards will let you know that it's ok for you to think that your life stinks. They will also, where appropriate, blame someone else for your problems.
Ex: turned down for a mortgage (a haiku)
The suited banker
Guffawed at your credit score.
Zoloft on his desk.
Other greeting card topics
-Bad haircut
-Seasonal Affect Disorder
-Got a parasite drinking water in a foreign country
-Wallet stolen
-Dumped by someone you don't really like but it still hurts your ego.
-Boss with soul of whoopee cushion
I would go on but I'm getting myself worked up here.
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Failing to see why this is a half-baked idea, rather than a regular one. People make all sorts of cards every day, and irony is a feature of many punchlines. |
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I designed some resigning from work cards once and I may need to send one very soon. |
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I really don't like people buying cards from these big companies - especially for me. I would gladly and happily accept a scrawled note on a napkin/beer mat than an over-priced, insincere, unoriginal card bought from one of myriad gift shops. |
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<The suited banker
Guffawed at your credit score.
Zoloft on his desk.> |
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godamn brilliant. made me laugh out loud. bund hard just for that! |
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I like it [BrauBeaton]. Classy. |
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I made eight dollars and fifty cents an hour. |
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That's how much you paid me. |
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I couldn't afford to buy a pound of flour. |
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I might as well have worked here for free. |
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You make how many hundred bucks a day? |
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What kind of person hired you? |
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If you can't even change the printer tray |
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Then what are they paying you to do? |
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I don't make any money now |
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because you ran me right out of my work |
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A failure to communicate how? |
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You wouldn't even fire me, you jerk! |
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I can never find the right words to say to comfort someone, so I just keep silent as a fish and stare awkwardly into the fabled "middle distance" everyone seems to stare at for a variety of reasons. Overall, I give the impression of a heartless bastard, the way I act like nothing happened because I'm afraid anything I say would come out wrong. A set of things to blurt out would be most welcome. [+] |
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