h a l f b a k e r yA riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a rich, flaky crust
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Crudely adapted Electronic Muscle Stimulator is made to operate in long single bursts at the press of a button. The button is sewn into the side of the trousers or into the pocket and includes a safety flip to ensure only intended use.
At Work:
BRIAN: So, which country we on now?
YOU: Er...
We need to change the author's name in the Israel chapter.
BRIAN: Israel, beautiful country.
YOU: Yeah, so I hear.
THE BOSS: Ha! Yeah, I really love being shot at constantly, and mortared in my sleep.
YOU: Um... boss?
THE BOSS: And that lovely smell of baking napalm and charred corpses. Yummy eh?
RACHEL: <shocked> My Dad's being posted to Israel next week.
BRIAN: <insulted> And my entire family live there.
<pause>
YOU: GGAAAAARRRNHZZHZHZH EEET EEEEEET SHIt Me! You get some strong static off these nylon floors, eh? Cheesus crust...
Wild West:
BILLY: I'm gonna make you famous, Deputy.
YOU: This ain't no game Billy. "Dead or alive," that's what the poster says, and I don't much mind which way I take ya.
MAD-DOG: Well I don't care 'bout both a y'all! I'm gonn' eat the eyes outta yer rottin' heads before the sun is out. Ya hear me Billy?
BILLY: Yup. Looks like we got ourselves a Mexican standoff. Only, we ain't got no Mexicans.
MAD-DOG: Actually, I'm from El Paso.
<tumble weed floats past>
YOU: GGGHDIF ZZZZGHZHGZHHAAAAAR HHHOOOOOGZZZZ DRAAAAwwwww!
In Space:
VADER: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. You do not yet realise your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy.
LUKE: I'll never join you!
VADER: If you only knew the power of the dark side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
LUKE: He told me enough! He told me you killed him.
VADER: No. I am your father.
<space dust whisps past>
GHOST OF OBI-WAN: GGGGSAAAAAZZZHFWF ZZZREEEEE EEerrk wowoo what a strange use of space this chasm is. Right, I'm just off down the shops, would anyone like a Mars bar?
[link]
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I don't know. I'm just not sure that I find cringing so distasteful that I'd want to distract myself from it by administering powerful electric shocks from a
trouser-pocket-located device. |
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I'm getting so many at work sitting next to my eye-gaugingly awful excuse for a boss that this seems like the only possible solution. The second example, for instance, occured today. |
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She joked the other day about dying of cancer, which was similarly tactless and ill-timed. |
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"GGGHFHFWOFHSS SFFFF UUUUUUCk OOOOOOff." |
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There is no need to portray your family meal example in this way - being racist banter 'n' all. The next example doesn't fair too well either in my opinion. |
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Unfunny and possibly offensive for some on a public forum and possibly any forum for that matter. [-] |
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The tumble weed dispenser, excellent though it is, does not do enough to distract from the awkwardness of some situations. Indeed, it serves to outline the fact that something idiotic has been mentioned and draws further attention to it. |
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This is an emergency exit device for situations of anticipated social trauma. A pain-inducing, self sacrifice for the good of your present company. |
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Whether it would work or not is open to scepticism. |
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This is funny, even though it comes across a bit like self-induced Tourette's. |
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I can confirm that the second example actually did happen today. I have only just lifted my jaw from the floor, and now I've got tumble weed stuck in my teeth. |
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[skinflaps] I'd argue against the charge of it being offensive - if the same logic were applied to movies, we might find ourselves protesting against films like "Blazing Saddles" or "Schindler's List" because they contain racist or otherwise disturbing material. |
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I think the point being made here is that racism and sick jokes about corpses are Bad Things™ - hence the requirement for a shock-type device to dissipate offence, allowing the conversation to move seamlessly into safer territory, and avoiding the Tumbleweed Moment that would inevitably follow. |
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[EDIT] - having changed the idea order, [sugar pants] is of course referring to the first example. |
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[skinflaps], I'm not trying to make ha ha racist jokes. I'm surprised you find this offensive. As [sugar pants] says, the 2nd example actually happened and the 1st was inspired by a myriad of movies that use the same cliche, vis a vis, racist grandparents. |
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Would it help if I spelt it "c*on"? |
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What [skinflaps] said, and no [theleotard] it isn't acceptable in any disguise. This is beneath you young man. |
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//This is beneath you young man.// |
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I'm surprised people find this offensive too. I thought that the idea said "these things are offensive", which I can't readily disagree with. Each to their own, though. |
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"Shoot me! ... but with a taser." |
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Once, many years ago....we had a cat that would utter the most profound and yet insulting remarks...right out of the blue, you know. |
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We would be sitting there, watching the telly and suddely he would just blurt out, "GaaaaAAK...Pfht... HuaK...HuaK... Huak... GAAAAAAKKKKKK!" and then toss onto the carpet the most foul smelling, disgusting pile of slime covered puke you ever saw. We would all stare in utter amazement...then my wife, bless her, would get up, take the cat out of the room and return with a proper set of cleaning utensiles and remove the mess. What she ever did with the cat, I have no idea...but, the cat certainly stopped doing that. I recommend the same treatment for the rather insensitive cat, Theleopard. |
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Hop in to [theleopard]'s boots for a moment. You're writing from the perspective of a racist old lady and your main objective, as the author, is to present her racism in the form of a shocking conversation stopper. It needs to be offensive, because its sole purpose is to offend the character of Sarah, and indeed all those present at the table. Can you come up with something as fitting to these criteria as the line in question whilst not reminding readers of cat sick? |
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<aside> Actually, some sort of vomit inducing device might work equally as well... </aside> |
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I await your humbling humblifications. |
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Edited to appease (and to add the new example that I have been itching to include). To avoid making the previous annos completely nonsensical, here is the offending example: |
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MUM: So, Sarah, tell us about this new boyfriend of yours.
SARAH: Well, his name is Ato, he finished his psychology degree last year and he started his doctorate in London last September. And he's dreamy!
MUM: He sounds awfully nice. And where's he from?
SARAH: He's from Ghana.
GRAN: Huh. Bloody coons coming here, pretending to be doctors now are they? They should all be sent back on the banana boats I say! |
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YOU: GGGNNNNAZAAZAARAAARR HOLY CRap this lamb is good! |
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<stands with [theleopard]> |
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Nobody, not [theleopard], not me, not anyone, is condoning racism. What is offensive about acknowledging that in our past we have been pretty prejudiced? About acknowledging that some people are still racist, and that this is revulsive to anyone who has ever had a friendship with someone of another race? |
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Don't take this as an opportunity to make yourself feel good by standing with the faux-horrified majority and poking [tl] with sticks. Read it properly, then stand up and say what you think, not what you want people to think. This isn't politics where you deliberately distance yourself to avoid being crucified by a gormless and sensationalist media. |
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I, on the other hand, am right over there, peering gingerly at a crowd of hopping people in leopardskin boots, who are now surrounded by three men with poking-sticks. Would it clear the air if we all electrocuted ourselves at this point? |
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[pertinax], your annotation gave me the first real belly-laugh I've had in a good while. The mental image is wonderful. |
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Delighted to be of service, sir. {carefully removes crocodile clips, drops them in bucket of disinfectant} |
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I bone. Not for the offensiveness (the intent clearly wasn't there) or because it's a terrible idea (I've bunned worse, I'm sure). It's just that my spotty feline friend is capable of much better and I wish to keep him on his padded toes. |
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How about this: A faux forehead extends your cranium by half a foot, a bit like the make-up for some of Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer's comedy characters. In the event of a cringe inducing utterance, simply press the button sewn into your trousers and a door set into the wrinkled folds of the fauxhead opens releasing a swarm of angry bees. |
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In the meantime, I'm going to see Eddie Izzard tonight so hopefully will be sufficiently inspired. |
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What a lovely boning. I shall endeavour to do better. |
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//a door set into the wrinkled folds of the fauxhead //
Surely this is an unnecessary complication? You already have a swarm of angry bees housed in your banjo leg.
As for the 'self-electrocuting' part of the idea. Not keen on that. Couldn't we have some sort of induction loop that we can aim at A.N.Other so that any metallic items on their person suddenly become red hot? |
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I'm digging the extended cranium bit - with or without jam and/or bees. |
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[DrBob] Yes, I suspect that tasering the offender would appropriately break the thread of the conversation. |
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