Annotate SUV Deflector™

Stephanie Simpson of Bel Air, California (a town known for its unpaved roads and steep terrain) was irate when she learned just what had happened to her last week when she took her eyes off the road for mere moments. She was trying to adjust her child's DVD player in the back seat of her Lincoln Navigator when, "It's like I told Jake, he and I were, like, on the phone when it happened?, this little bitty car appeared out of NOWHERE and slammed on the brakes, instead of absorbing my impact, like the other little cars always used to, it was all hunkered down and suddenly the kids and I are, like, sailing over the little car! I was all, 'This is scary!' and the kids were all, 'Yeah mom, fly the Navigator!' and then we came crashing down on the road ahead of the little car. All the axels or whatever they are called, got busted and my beautiful Navigator just slid around on its, like, stomach till we stopped. It really freaked me out. And all I could think of is just how rude that was for them not to, you know, 'take it.'"

Ms. Simpson, a recovering pilates instructor, later learned that she had just encountered Auto-Judotech's SUV-deflector™ technology. A merger of an overbuilt roof-rack, a pair of home garage ramps and a soap box racer's brakes, this retrofit for lighter cars is "evening up the score" in asymmetric two-vehicle collisions. Chief designer Akira Johansen of the Berkeley, California, based company, explains how this ugly but effective aftermarket kit works:

"At the rear of the protected vehicle are a pair of ramps that, in the event of a rear-end collision, guide the other vehicle up and onto the pair of fore and aft rails that protect the car from the now overhead SUV. These are treated with Teflon™ so the SUV can gently slide forward and drop off the front. This last stage, "shedding," in the lingo of the company, allows the bulk of the energy in the careening SUV to remain with that vehicle and move forward of the protected vehicle.

To minimize damage to the protected car, part of the impact of the SUV is translated into a 10-inch by 20-inch friction pad that drops between the two ramps and, while the SUV is in contact with the ramps, dramatically slows down the protected vehicle and improves the "shedding" performance.

When asked to elaborate on early problems with handling while the friction pad was down, Johansen said, "These characteristics were improved by moving the pad rearward. Now it is like deploying a parachute, like a drag racer, really smooth and even pressure." In the current configuration it spews a stinky smoke of burned rubber, "definitely a boost to the user experience now... it is soooo cool!" Johansen, 37 and inexplicably single, enthused.

All is not sweetness and light, however. Johansen was unable to reassure those concerned with a rash of after-after market adaptations that alter the relationship between the rails to induce a "spiral" to the vehicle during the so called "shedding" stage... "We don't endorse this untested adaptation but are interested in any video people might have for our internal website, because it is so very, very wrong to do that."

Henry Honda (no relation to the auto-maker(s)) of the National Right Of Way Mediation Group (a non- partisan traffic think tank) is concerned about this escalation in the battle between the Davids and Goliaths of the nation's roadways. "I studied Judo a bit in my younger days and I see the theory here. However, I do not see how the Auto- Judotech folks are going to meet the challenges posed the next class of SUVs with their built-in armor piercing hooks jutting out from the underlying truck rails." He cited the missing crumple zones in most SUVs and their need for other vehicles (and presumably passengers) to "take up the slack." Just where it will all end is anyone's guess.

When asked if the SUV Deflector™ worked on so called "big-rigs" Johansen grew quiet and, upon reflection admitted, "We are a small company and our testing budget would not allow us to buy an 18- wheeler to trash. Plus we use a very expensive fembot to drive the SUV- deflector™ protected car. None of us want to risk squashing her." He did admit that the steep upward angle of the deflector was likely to decouple the trailer from the tractor. Computer simulations were, in his words, "gruesome for all concerned."