The RockCo RIDS is a larger, heftier, more durable version
of the well-
known floor sweeper.
When the household security system* detects an illegal
entry the unit deploys
from its charging alcove, sinister red eyes on the front
housing brightly
illuminated, and confronts its quarry. A loudspeaker
greets the intruder(s) with
the following: “We are the Roomba. You have committed
an illegal entry. Your
biological and cultural distinctiveness will be added to
the compost pile out back.
Your body(ies) will adapt to grow tomatoes!”
Standard armament includes all steel construction, a
turret-mounted .22 caliber
weapon** with an 8” barrel and 50 rounds of
ammunition. Options include
different calibers***, observable laser aiming, sharp
edges, live combat
soundtracks, and maniacal screaming and laughter.
Should repelling intruders result in bloodshed, a signal to
a modified cleaning
Roomba hidden safely out of range guarantees the
evidence will be promptly
washed away.
In the event the intruder is actually the homeowner who
simply forgot his keys, a
user-programmed phrase such as “It’s only me, Hugh!”,
“Stand down red alert!”
or “Ooolongftangftangbank!” will break off the assault
and reset the unit.
* available at extra cost.
** so as not to cause significant bodily damage.
*** so as not to cause insignificant bodily damage.