Petty Thugs

When staying some friends who lived on a secluded property, I very quickly became aware that the local wildlife were also staying there. This wouldn't have bothered me except i] that they had different sleeping patterns to me partying all night while I was trying to sleep and ii] there were a lot of them: one or two I could handle.

I questioned my friends about these irksome animals and why nothing was done to keep them from pissing off sleeping humans. They said that the number of solutions they had come up with (shooting, poisoning, netting, etc...) were all unnecessarily cruel. Anyway, after a couple of weeks, you live with the scratching and pitter-pattering of the animals as they traverse the tin guttering and roofing of the house.

So after (I can assure you very little) thought, a novel solution popped into my head. Why not train one squirrel, possum or whatever, to routinely and quietly patrol the perimeter of the house and, if any other birds, or small animals try to take up residence, train it to put the smack down. This way the human occupants get a cute pet by day, and a rent-a-cop style thug by night, and the lucky animal gets a free home and food. Everybody wins.