h a l f b a k e r yThe halfway house for at-risk ideas
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Place a number of sensitive microphones all round your office/home/school. These could then be connected to a computer with a simple word recognition device. When the microphones detect your name being mentioned, the computer will send a signal to a receiver mounted somewhere on your body which in turn
would switch on a small battery powered heater in your hat which could heat up your ears.
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And if you're liked by no one, are your ears gonna fry? Scary! |
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Then you walk into the conference room (having been told about a recalcitrant projector that you have a knack for fixing) and "Surprise!" - it's a birthday party for you. Meanwhile you're doubled over in pain and your ears are turning into potato chips. |
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On cold days you could be found muttering your name over and over........... |
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oh rbl - how sweet......... |
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My ears are burning stupop, have you been hiding microphones, connecting me up to voice recognition devices and orchestrating a round of chinese whiskers, sorry whispers about me, again! |
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There might be a problem if your name's Mary and you're in a Catholic country, or you're called Chip, and you're anywhere near a food store. |
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Alternatively, you could use sensors which could pinpoint the source of the sound, pass the information to a heat ray gun, offsetting the location by the average distance between a mouth and an ear, which would then aim and fire itself, heating up the perpetrator's ear by way of punishment. Or something. Does anyone smell garlic? |
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Garlic? I smell garlic 24/7 and at weekends for that matter. Sure why don't you link me up to that 'heat ray gun' while your at it stupop and give the garlic twins a damn good toasting. In fact turn the ray gun right the way up and hopefully you will disentegrate the twins once and for all. I once tried ridding myself of the twins by soaking them in the centre of the sun over night, only to find they were made of 'sterner stuff' than i had bargained for. The twins emerged from their 'solar soaking' barely singed. Thats why i've instructed a shot from the ray gun at its highest setting. Anything less than twice the heat of the suns 'inner sanctum' will be a waste of your time and the twins'. So in the words of smokey and the bandit "crank her up boy and lets get after them there nuns" |
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This would probably kill Victoria Beckham. Yay! |
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The computer that determines who's the topic, should not burn your ear. Why not send the soundbite with your name (plus and minus ten seconds) to you? In this manner you can listen in to the crucial parts of the conversation, maybe you can even recognise who said it. The soundbite should be brought to you via a SMS message stating you have voicemail. Dialing in to your voicemail you will hear the soudbite. This comes with the option to buy the full recording. |
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Your ears would warm up all by itself if you listen! |
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