h a l f b a k e r y"Not baked goods, Professor; baked bads!" -- The Tick
add, search, annotate, link, view, overview, recent, by name, random
news, help, about, links, report a problem
browse anonymously,
or get an account
and write.
register,
|
|
|
Octoproportionatron
Accurately judge the proportion of extra ingredients you will need in order to serve unwelcome guests. | |
In the middle of Doctor Spoading's kitchen stands an ionic
fluted
pedestal, upon which is affixed a grand black-metal
mechanism. A
large plate in its centre is surrounded by eight smaller
plates on the
ends of spider-like articulated arms. Many levers
protrude from the
apparatus, giving
it the look and feel of a gothic
chandelier hanging
from the floor up.
When the Doctor heard that Felix Smithe and his bulbous
wife
Eleanour had somehow weaseled their way into his
dinner party, he
knew his recipe for Poulet Au Curieux would not feed
them all.
However, never fretting, Doctor Spoading arranged his
ingredients
on
the counter-top and placed them, one at a time, on
separate plates
of
the apparatus. Adjusting levers and such, he set the
ingredients to
zero, then set the benchmark to the central plate, which
in this
case
held the poultry.
He then added 4 chicken breasts to the centre. As he did,
the other
plates lifted up. Each one was attuned to their specific
initial ratios,
so the Doctor could add touches of garlic here, glugs of
goats blood
there, a sprinkle of badger's teeth on one and a few
drops of
rohypnol
on the other. When each plate leveled, he knew he had
the correct
proportions.
The Doctor had designed it using gears and pulleys and
such, the
which I shan't bore you with the specifics now. But
suffice to say
the
ionic column was hollow and full of dangling weights,
lightly oiled
with science. However, its utilisation was intuitive.
(1) Add the
ingredients
(ii) Set to zero;
(c) Adjust the
benchmark lever
to one
specific ingredient (the one you are going to alter); and
(Four)
Adjust
the other amounts accordingly.
The dinner party was a great success! Felix and Eleanour
were so
delighted with the chicken that they dribblingly agreed
to participate
in
Spoading's human-phoneme experiments, in which the
Doctor
intended to use ground living humans' bone marrow to
produce a
new
vowel. In previous dabbles in the black arts of phonology
he had
invented the schwa.
And all thanks to Doctor Spoading's Octoproportionatron!
[illustration]
http://i35.tinypic.com/ims7pe.jpg
[theleopard, Oct 21 2009]
For [RayfordSteele]
Upright_20ready_20meal_20mould
How's about sub-atomic lasagne? [theleopard, Oct 27 2009]
Halfbakery: Autotumultatron
Autotumultatron
...perhaps form part of a kitchen set? [zen_tom, Oct 29 2009]
[link]
|
| |
It should also be available in Doric, to match more minimalist kitchen decor. Besides, the Ionic order would get food scraps stuck in the scrollwork. |
|
| |
The problem arises with non-linear (yeast is a big one) and quantum (eggs, for instance) ingredients. |
|
| |
//ionic fluted pedestal//
Wouldn't this be highly charged? |
|
| |
[pertinax], these are designed ad hoc. Any pedestal you'd like. |
|
| |
[MechE], very good point (although I don't know what you mean by
quantum). Could we assume that the omniscales could be
calibrated to take in to account non-linear ratios. For instance, when
increasing ingredient x by a factor of 3, rather than y increasing by a
factor 3, y would need to increase by half. 3x would equal 1.5y,
rather than 3x = 3y. |
|
| |
Considering how complex this device is already, I don't see how
making this addition would detract from its plausibility. |
|
| |
But how can I fix your eggs? |
|
| |
//But how can I fix your eggs?// |
|
| |
By auto-dialling a pizza co. |
|
| |
Quantum (in this case): discrete subdivisions of a material or property that cannot be further subdivided. |
|
| |
You mean in relation to egg yolk versus white? |
|
| |
Mostly that, while you technically can use 1/2 or 1/3 or whatever of an egg, it is not convenient to do so, recipies try to use eggs on a integer basis, which is one of the things that make scaling recipies so difficult. Similar items are chocolate, especially bakers chocolate (1oz squares in the US, a real pain to divide more than in half); canned or packaged materials, e.g. sweetened condensed milk, pudding mix; some spices, particularly bay leaves, whole cloves. I'm sure there are others those just came readily to mind. |
|
| |
//rohypnol just has negative connotations of date rape // |
|
| |
Negative connotations are good, as, thematically, this is supposed to
be a bit creepy. However, I would emphasise that Doctor Spoading is
not interested in such base crimes. He is a scientist, willing to push the boundaries of discovery, in this case by extracting fresh bone marrow
from drugged, obnoxious panhandlers in an effort to produce a new
vowel. A worthy cause, I'm sure you'll agree. |
|
| |
Sleaze + ugliness = creepiness. QED. |
|
| |
Ah, the dark arts of phonology. I too have dabbled astance these murky waters. The enfleuragic residue from the pulverised bodies of a milliard baby porcupines I used to prove existence of the hwoorang - and then, my crowning glory - a disembodied, envatted live brain, coaxed into revealing the secrets of the silent five. |
|
| |
* I confess to not understanding a word of this. |
|
| |
//disembodied, envatted live brain, coaxed into revealing the secrets of
the silent five// |
|
| |
Interesting. Did this brain then go on to form the 90s British boy-band
5ive and write
their top-10 debut single "Slam Dunk Da Funk"? |
|
| |
+ for the Poulet au Curieux alone! |
|
| |
// coaxed into revealing //
sp. "co-ax'ed" ? |
|
| |
//negative connotations of date rape// |
|
| |
But if you had a good date rape experience, wouldn't it bring positive connotations to mind, instead? |
|
| |
You should learn to veiw things from more than your own perspective. It's not all about you, [bigsleep]. |
|
| |
//Accurately judge the proportion of extra ingredients you will need to serve unwelcome guests.//
I believe that my superior upbringing, well rounded education and command of social etiquette have already provided me with the tools to make such a determination. The answer is, of course, that no extra ingredients should be used and that any unwelcome guests should be left standing on the doorstep, hopefully in the rain, and occasionally pelted with the well gnawed remnants of your fine repast. Additionally, you should ensure that a window is left somewhat ajar in order to ensure that they cannot fail to be aware of the sounds of bonhomie and merry making coming from within.
Finally, once the banquetting is finished and the comestibles properly digested, the diners should retire to an upstairs balcony with brandy and cigars where they can be amused by the sight of the gamekeeper taking a few pot shots with an arquebus at the unwelcome interlopers whilst they are being savaged and harried from your property by a pack of large and ferocious canines.
Your Octoproportionatron machine is clearly yet another totally unnecessary and overly complicated kitchen device which, no doubt, some badly regarded and long neglected relative will buy you for Christmas and which your servants will have to try and stack in the ever decreasing space in the cupboard under the sink along with the Genuine Italian Spaghetti Lengthener, the Automatic Cheese Melter (the one with the ill-fitting seals of course) and the Velocitous Vegetable Vapouriser. +
sp: corrected |
|
| |
Bun for anything involving polarity and food in the same idea... |
|
| |