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Ninja Shipping
How did that important delivery get here so fast? And who wrote "Ninjas Rule" all over me pirate posters? | |
Highly specialized ninja teams dedicated to taking your item and shipping it anywhere -for a price- with great speed and stealth. You don't see us take or drop off the package. Price is dependent on whether we must do battle, the size and weight of the package, priority and number of ninja needed (number
varies because of distance, battle and speciality. We give you estimate of ninja amount and you can add ninja if you wish. You cannot lower amount of ninja because we alone know the minimum nessesary. If we mess up and ninja amount is not enough, you get extra ninja, free of charge.) This makes prices quite high, but that won't be a problem if you are desperate or strong. And only the desperate or strong bother us without severe pain. We ship anywhere on Earth within 20 hours or we commit seppuku and ship your package free! (All forms of pirate pay extra. Seppuku guarantee does not apply to pirates.)
Ninja Burger
http://ninjaburger.com/
Guaranteed delivery in 30 minutes or less, or we commit Seppuku! [theleopard, Sep 30 2007]
The Milk Tray Man
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milk_Tray
The Milk Tray Man got there before you... [hippo, Oct 02 2007]
Wire-Fu Buffet
Wire-Fu_20Buffet
Our honorable partners. Ninja don't need wires, but you do! [Shadow Phoenix, Oct 13 2007]
[link]
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Big packages are carried by strong ninja or by rickshaw. We alone know the art of stealth rickshaw. You do not. So do not question the art of stealth rickshaw. |
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The word 'ninja' means, literally, 'person-killer'. |
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I don't quite understand why having murderers deliver things would be a good idea. |
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Simple, [lurch], nobody's going to steal something if a "person-killer" is delivering it. |
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You have pirate posters? As in, you have on your bedroom wall posters of pirates? Is that what you're saying? Seriously? Posters of pirates? Doing what exactly? Just being piratey? Is it like a pirate calendar or something? Why? Why would you want pirate posters? Tell me! |
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[Shadow Phooenix] You litterally got me in trouble at work for laughing too hard (for "no" reason) |
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How could you bone this idea? Really, how? I love the idea. I love the over use of the plurized word 'ninja'.
One thing, you should be able to 'track' the packages. Have a camera man (camera-ninja-man) follow the team and stream the feed to any computer you have access to. That way you could watch the action. . . |
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I'll have more praise for this idea later. I have a meeting. |
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//amount of ninja// Gr.: number of ninja |
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Ah. I was thinking this would be mail-order assassins. [Disappointed.] |
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That whole "seppuku" thing strikes me as slightly off - Ninja are not Samurai, and wouldn't be expected to commit ritual suicide to restore their honor. (Suicide in general may be useful to avoid being tortured by the enemy. I bet that's called something else, though.) |
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Perhaps there is a rivalling Samurai delivery that takes about three hours, but is very ceremonious about dropping off your burger, forcing you to pretend to enjoy the cold, greasy slab lest they lose face. |
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Thank you, [evilpenguin-san], we will dispatch complementary ninja to take care of they who mock your laughter after they give you paycheque. Laughter is good! All ninja laugh to the memories of past fights and deliveries. However, we know not of any "Phooenix". Ninja also are never caught on camera, not even by allies. This makes family photos and weddings very action-packed. If you want knowledge of action, we use secret ninja arts to give you memories of action from ninja view. This costs extra. |
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[DrCurry-san], have you no eyes? We deliver ANYTHING, including ourselves. No mail-order! Just use honorable Internet or a dark room, lights out if you wish to chat (chats are also difficult, as we generally don't talk, and you will not see body, which means no body language.) Be not disappointed, be ready to be pleased by our services. Your bank account and wallet will also be much lighter. |
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[jutta-san], samurai stole our honourable seppuku. It will not help in torture, as ninja are unafraid of torture and samurai cannot slash themselves when bound, unlike ninja. But ninja usually slash enemies. And ninja are rarely bound against their will. Only in training, or by honorable Dr. McNinja, our faithful comrade. Samurai delivery did exist, but they were terrible couriers and were more expensive then ninja. In fact, out of ninja kindness, we frequently killed samurai couriers before the packages were too damaged and delivered them ourselves. We do that with Fed-Ex people too, if they are dishonourable to honorable Fed-Ex name. |
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[Shadow Phoenix]-san, amari wakareteinaisou de gozaru. Ninja ga samurai ni jisatsu seyo to iwaretanaraba zettai-kanarazu sugu harakiri o yaru. |
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[lurch-san], we would NEVER commit seppuku in any public district. Such a disembowelment would be greatly dishonorable, for seppuku is best done in a secluded place. Besides, it would cause quite a mess. Ninja make no messes. Only samurai make messes when committing seppuku. And we do not just speak of their underpants. Ninja keep few posessions, and underpants are valued. The value of underpants is not traditionally great, but the master belives it is greater than the lives of an entire samurai army (in our eyes, about 1000 yen or roughly $12 in your money.) So said Katon-tori no kage-sama: |
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"You dropped a pair of underpants? I don't care how many samurai are there! Save those underpants!" |
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The lord was very emotional about that undergarment. He is known as Katon-tori no kage, or the Flaming Bird of the Shadows. You know him as "Shadow Phoenix" or Fushicho-kage, but he uses a different name for ninja, as ninja are less impressed by titles. Except for [DrCurry]-san. A medical mastermind of curry? Most impressive. |
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At the top of the feudal Japanese heirarchy was the Emperor, then the Daimyo, then the Samurai. A samurai ruled over an area similar in political scope to a county. (The samurai was also a military leader - a general - in his daimyo's army. Since good military leaders are not always good political leaders, nor the reverse, there were problems; but, anyway...) |
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At the bottom of the heirarchy would be household servants, one of which would be a trained disposable assassin, called 'ninja'. The ninja were valuable servants not least because of the levels of training that they received; however, they were usually only trained for a single mission, and were not expected to survive it. Often, were expected to not survive it. (The loss of a ninja being a minimal token price to pay for the removal of an enemy.) |
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The possession of a ninja by one samurai specifically being trained for the assassination of a neighboring samurai was often an open secret. If the samurai were reconciled at some point, the ninja-owner would be likely to order the assassin in question to ritual suicide, indicating his master's good faith in the matter. |
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For a ninja to suicide for any other reason than successful completion of his task, or on his samurai's order, would be a mark of great dishonor. |
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Ah, I see you have extensive knowledge of the ancient times. Very impressive. However, you failed to account for the rogues, the runaways and those that opposed the ways of society. Ninja were thought of as "disposable", even though the samurai foolishly spent much time and effort training them. A ninja can fake death quite easily (the corpse of a target can be used after a little burning), and join their brethren in hiding. The reason that ninja had low life expectancy was because, whenever possible, they staged their deaths. This also explains why so many rulers used wandering ninja groups instead of their own (there were so many more warriors compared to the feeble few enslaved.) These ninja were more honorable than their entrapped counterparts, as freedom changes all like the wind to a bird. Their day-to-day lives were documented, but lost to the ages. The life was filled with surprises, as a "dead" person has choices few others must make. Seppuku was the last resort, only to be taken if faced with great dishonour, or necessity. However, these are matters to be spoken of in other places. By the way, [evilpenguin]-san, those that mocked your laughter seem to baffle our ninja. Please check if they still live. If so, they will be terminated. If not, you are very welcome. |
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[+] for the personal sentiment. |
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