Monster Buggy

If you're feeling outclassed on the King's Road by Celia Smythe-Hampton who's proudly pushing little Georgiana around in her huge Hyper-Baby Travel System, then this is for you.

The Monster Buggy has three wheels on the front corners and FOUR at the back - arranged like aircraft landing gear and sporting ceramic disc brakes. The tyres are pneumatic and for some reason certified to carry 1500kg at ten times the speed you'll ever go.

The baby cradle itself is made of carbon fibre, lined with Japanese silk and sufficiently wide to allow your little darling to have a friend (or two) over to play whilst you leave them completely blocking the entrance to Prada. You need not worry that all the extra weight on the pneumatic tyres will cause the buggy to tilt as you corner sharply whilst running for your nail appointment, the anti-roll bar will level the load for you.

Twin parasols will protect sweetums from sun and rain on either side and ensure that pedestrians no longer have the option of squeezing by on a side where they don't get spiked. They will of course still have the option of crossing the road - if this doesn't occur to them, try flashing the four roof-mounted halogens at them.

Parking sensors will tell you to the nearest millimeter just how much closer you need to get before you run over the ankle of the person in front. Once you've broken their foot you can summon the aid of your lawyer on the integrated phone.

The handlebar comes fitted with a heated bottle holder, a chilled martini holder and a mini olive fridge.

Power is provided by a huge battery which is recharged every time Monster Buggy is returned to its docking station in the back of your needlessly huge Range Rover that's parked on the double red line outside school.