Manscraping

Working out like a bastard, eating pea protein, and wearing bicep shirts isn't working for you? Feeling down because nobody is noticing how much muscle and definition you have slaved for over the last 3 years? Not getting "the look" like you expected from gym groupies?

In a strange balancing act the makers of Manscaping have accepted my idea for a hand-held unit that can almost painlessly inflict various obvious and impressive marks, scrapes, bruises, hematomas, and inflammations to virtually prove that you are a competitive contact Martial Arts professional, with the damage for all to see. The Gouge attachment is extra.

Watch heads turn as your purpled visage is first seen at the club. "Hey Jake, what happened to you?" You confidently reply, "This is from my last middleweight MMA bout. You should see the other guy!"

Finally that elusive respect you have been yearning for is well within reach. Nothing turns chicks on like a swollen cheek and black eye, and you can add a shallow scalp wound for added sympathy. No one need know. Add this 5-minute regime to your daily prep and see the results the same day! You can keep the Manscraper in the back next to the hair dye.