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The debut movie introduces the eponymous hero, Indiana Holmes,
who
is born into a family of professional detectives but while a mere baby
is
the sole survivor of a tragic transportation accident that claims the
rest
of his immediate family.
He is rescued by a troupe of itinerant nomadic
archaeologists, who
adopt him and bring him up as one of their own. As a result, when he
is
adult he is formidably well educated, but cannot communicate with
humans except by standing at a lectern in a stuffy, overheated room
and reading slowly from a prepared paper in a tedious monotone
(accompanied by a badly-composed PowerPoint presentation full of
incomprehensible graphs and blurred, grainy black-and-white
photos)
which means that the audience invariably fall fast asleep and never hear his
message.
Through a series of highly unlikely coincidences, he is reunited with his remaining
family, who carefully reintroduce him to normal civilized society and Americans. Thus, he
becomes uniquely able to do Archaeology, rob tombs and temples,
solve crimes by
observation
and inspired deduction, fight Nazis, have a good reputation as a
minor academic at a provincial University, defeat evil wizards and
yet still have a fairly normal appearance
and an acceptably small number of behavioural quirks and minor
personality flaws.
Through another series of improbable events, he sets off on a quest
to
recover a giant prehistoric oyster produced via genetic re-
engineering by
an Attenborough*, because it contains an enormously valuable and
unique black pearl, the oyster having been stolen on a flying wooden galleon powered by holy antimatter and
manned by resurrected Nazi zombie pirates from Atlantis.
Hilarity ensues.
Starring Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, Johnny Depp, numerous
attractive
young women, Patrick Stewart, Meryl Streep, Dame Judy Dench, Will
Smith, that bloke that was in The King's Speech, Daniel Radcliffe, Mel
Gibson, Julianna Moore, Bill Paxton, the other one who was in Apollo
13 with Bill Paxton, no, not Kevin Bacon, the other one, he's in one of
the CSIs now,
you know, and George Clooney if he's not too expensive, and that girl
with the funny name who was in Pulp Fiction, she's good, and
Quentin
Tarantino which will be great as then he can direct as well and he
was
brilliant with George Clooney in From Dusk Till Dawn, maybe he can
get Clooney to come for less money, oh and better have Sandra
Bullock
and an older black guy to give it gravitas, James Earl Jones maybe,
or
Morgan Freeman ?
Pre-order "Indiana Holmes XXIV: Invasion of the Rabid Robot
Vampire
Donkeys from Ganymede" now, available on DVD, Blu-Ray,
holographic memory crystal, quantum-entangled dot matrix, direct
cortical feed, Edison waxed cylinder or serialised in 2,942 weekly
parts
inscribed on 3-ply quilted toilet roll with Aloe Vera, in Cretan Linear B, using a genuine Dodo
feather
and ink containing actual tears from a named celebrity.
What's not to like ?
*May have to be a CGI Attenborough.
[link]
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As good as anything else out there now. |
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I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more
cowbell. |
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Nice to see the great John Holmes included - should
widen the audience considerably. |
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I'd like to hear more about this quantum-entangled dot matrix. |
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That should cover the dinosaur front. |
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Indiana Holmes drives a De Lorean, of course. |
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// while a mere baby is the sole survivor of a tragic transportation
accident that claims the rest of his immediate family // |
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I think you are missing out on some important details, there. Was
their blimp captured by anthropoid apes, and the baby kidnapped?
Was it a crash into a shallow lake inhabited by mer-folk? |
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Aw c'mon, this is just the pitch to potential backers, the storyboard
isn't finished yet ... |
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Will Indiana Holmes discover in the sequel that his nemesis is in fact his father and the cute princess he's got the hots for is his sister? |
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//and Quentin Tarantino which will be great as then he can direct as well and he was brilliant with George Clooney in From Dusk Till Dawn//
a veritable string of errors |
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OK, so, locations. Star Wars was set a long long time ago, in
a galaxy far far away. We know that Shrek was in Far Far
Away, too. No time frame was given, but I'd say the Shrek
occupies a time following the fall of galactic civilization,
there are echos... look at some of the female hair. Anyhow,
the DeLorean can be used to hop between these two highly
successful franchises, possibly stopping in Mordor for a
coffee and a pee. |
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...and Indiana Holmes's trusty sidekick, Robin 'Snowy' Maturin... |
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What part of "No" don't you understand ? |
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//nemesis is in fact his father and the cute princess he's got the hots for is his sister? |
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Well, that makes two of us...except I was the cute princess.. |
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<sound of snickering in the background> |
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//Nice to see the great John Holmes included -
should widen the audience considerably.// |
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Where I grew up "Holmes" was slang for "brother" or
"buddy", especially used as a pat on the back
expression, as in "Dang Holmes! You hit that? She's
hella fine!" |
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I know, I was basically raised among troglodytes. |
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... and oh boy, does it show ... |
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Nothing to be ashamed of, made me strong. When I moved to the rich part of town I was amazed by the weakness of the little rich kids. I also rose academically top be the top student in the school. Not "a" top student, "the". |
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With my unique background I can walk among barbarians and aristocrats alike. Frankly I don't like either and find them to be flip sides of the same coin. My people are those who are smart, industrious, responsible for their lives, family and community and who take what they've been given and do the most with it. |
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What we're missing here is: |
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(a) A Galaxy far, far away
(b) Hobbitses
(c) A Goblet of Fire. |
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<sp>walk among -> tick off</sp> |
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Did we forget to mention the man-eating Great White Shark, the
runaway train, the sentient computer, and the complete absence
of Leonardo di Caprio ? |
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" made me strong. When I moved to the rich part of town I was amazed by the weakness of the little rich kids. I also rose academically top be the top student in the school " |
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How, by beating them up and taking their grades ? |
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There is an ongoing debate as to whether Ming the Merciless
was an appropriate choice of rôle model … |
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//How, by beating them up and taking their grades ?// |
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//There is an ongoing debate as to whether Ming the Merciless was an appropriate choice of rôle model … // |
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No, that would be fevered beta male imaginings. |
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I was the guy who would defend the guy getting picked on by the little rich shits because I've always hated bullies. Defending those who can't defend themselves is the duty of the strong. Bullies are always weak little punks deep down that hide their fear by hurting other people. |
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As you'll notice, I never draw first blood, but love engaging when attacked. |
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That's metaphor first blood obviously. I'm uncomfortable with any activity involving real blood. |
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Do you wear a cape, too? And help little old ladies
across the street? |
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Why DO we bother communicating Ray? Is there
something in it for me that I'm missing? |
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// I'm uncomfortable with any activity involving real blood |
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Breathing, and black pudding? |
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Anyway, how come this isn't "Indiana Holmes and the Curse of the Jurassic Black Pearl on Ice" |
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Evidently. Maybe consider our line of communication as something similar to the cold war red phone. |
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Great leaders should be used to taking pot shots from the hoi polloi. And greater leaders recognize patterns amongst those shots taken and adjust. Heck, even Rick Perry is trying to at least look smart these days with those glasses. |
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And now we return to your regularly scheduled annotations. |
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