h a l f b a k e r yInvented by someone French.
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I have in mind a device, containing a car crash airbag, and a number of exciting objects. The device can be triggered remotely, from the entrance door of the dwelling.
When unexpected guests turn up, I could try and cover my extremely uninteresting private life by deploying the device which flings
objects around the dwelling in a possibly attempt to make my life seem borderline interesting.
I suspect the kit could include, a signed photo of Lady Ga Ga, a bazooka, a brick of simulated gold, keys to a Porsche, deeds to a private island somewhere in the Caribbean, a bone saw, 97 empty bottles of whiskey, a robotic dinosaur (small), two welsh corgies (stuffed), a set of printing plates for $100 dollar bills, a set of discarded printing plated for Euro notes, assorted bones and finally knick-knacks from many countries I have not been to.
So, at the flick of switch and possibly only the most minor of friction burns from the airbag...
If any of these things are sitting around your living room...
These_20are_20a_20f...e_20things_2e_2e_2e
Yep, you're a 'baker. [Alterother, May 01 2012]
[link]
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Can I also suggest a piece of paper carrying the
message "171888114; turn key; select target; 33#33;
hold down 'activate' button 5sec; 1688; 'launch'." |
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Also perhaps a crumpled shopping list including "hi-
test fertilizer; gerbil; dishwasher tablets; lubricant;
3/8" bolts" |
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Most halfbakers have to scurry round hiding stuff when people visit ... |
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Such as a // bazooka //, or rather a LAAW and a Javelin, or parts thereof ... |
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// a brick of simulated gold, // |
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[MB] has a special room just for car keys, and a valet to polish them and saddle-soap the leather fobs ... |
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// deeds to a private island somewhere in the Caribbean, // |
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Again, [MB] has a special building for those... |
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Yup. With real bloodstains ... |
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// 97 empty bottles of whiskey // |
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68 partially filled bottles of Single Malt. |
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// a robotic dinosaur (small) // |
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In [UB]'s house there's a real dinosaur {large}. Usually found sitting in front of the computer, typing HB ideas ... |
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// two welsh corgies (stuffed) // |
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They keep better in the freezer. |
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// a set of printing plates for $100 dollar bills, a set of discarded printing plated for Euro notes // |
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Human, presumably ? Athough Panda has a certain cachet ... |
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// and finally knick-knacks from many countries I have not been to. // |
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Presumably also in your case knick-knacks from countries you have been to, and can't visit again for fear of prosecution ? |
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//a special room just for car keys, and a valet to
polish them and saddle-soap the leather fobs// |
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D'you know, I rather think you might be right. I've
always wondered what that room beneath the north
observatory was for. I must make it down there one
day and show my face. |
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Yes, perhaps more useful would be the version containing normal things that a HalfBaker would normally never have in the house, such as, a box of tissues, today's newspaper, a carton of milk, a clean towel, a soft and fluffy cushion, etc. |
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//a soft and fluffy cushion// |
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WTF? Who has one of THOSE? |
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The title of this Idea suggested to me that this is something that cops would use, to plant evidence that can lead to an arrest. |
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I'm reminded of a friend-of-a-friend tale in which a social worker visited a child and then reported that the child was infested with head lice. This allowed the social worker to keep her job, **and** to blame the parent for bad child-raising, enabling removal of the child from parental custody, into the greedy hands of the bureaucracy.... |
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// Who has one of THOSE? // |
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Give you evens on either [po] or [blissy] ... |
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//which flings objects// //97 empty bottles of whiskey// |
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unexpected visitor arrives-sees empty bottle of whiskey fly though open window and smash into small pieces.Unexpected visitor now suspects that something interesting is happening.
Genius! [+] |
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"hi- test fertilizer; gerbil; dishwasher tablets; lubricant; 3/8" bolts" |
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Exactly! I'll add them to the list..would that be 3/8" bolts Whitworth? |
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>countries you have been to, and can't visit again for fear of prosecution |
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In Japan I had a library book overdue for...an entire week! Do you see what I mean... |
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//would that be 3/8" bolts Whitworth? // That's
what I said, and don't call me Whitworth. |
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<Visits home of stranger; notices empty whisky/ey
bottles, signed photo of Lady Ga Ga, etc. and comes
to conclusion this apparently addled fool is a
halfbaker.> |
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I can provide the bone saw. We've got extras. |
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//I can provide the bone saw//
You are actually serious, aren't you? |
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If anyone needs to borrow a jackhammer, I'll post you
mine but you have to return it when you're done. |
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In his latest novel Charles Stross mentions a DNA dispenser loaded with samples taken at an international airport used to clutter a crime scene - this is less portable but more interesting. |
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// You're actually serious, aren't you? // |
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Yes. The only ones we can spare are fairly old, but they're
classic models and in good condition. |
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Can I borrow the horse briss ? |
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Only if you bring it back with a full tank. |
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Who ever thought they'd spell 'orsepiss A U S P I C E ? |
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I thort it were H-O-S-P-I-C-E. |
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> In his latest novel Charles Stross mentions a DNA dispenser loaded with samples taken at an international airport used to clutter a crime scene.... |
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Strangely I do seem to remember a really crummy short story written (by me), someone collects DNA samples from McDonalds front door handles to then clutter a crime scene.... |
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"The results have come back from the lab Chief - the murder was committed by the Hamburgler." |
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I like my women like I like my hamburger... finely
ground, seasoned and flame-grilled to perfection...
Little
Patty. |
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It's your patty, you can fry if you want to. Fry if you want to. Fry if you want to. |
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//keys to a Porsche//
Try the radioactive keys to a Benz. Obviously I have no need for this invention. |
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Interesting... a toy bazooka caused a school to be
evacuated today. May have come from one of these
kits. |
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>Try the radioactive keys to a Benz. |
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Easy to find in the dark, if you happen to have a geiger counter. |
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I could probably scrounge one up pretty quickly here (looks out of the window, sees many otaku. Yep, definitely Akihabara). |
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// >Try the radioactive keys to a Benz ... Easy to find in the dark, if you happen to have a geiger counter. // |
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<ponders the potential for irony from a clunky old-style Geiger counter with an analog meter provided with radium-luminous numerals and a thick coating of creamy lead-laden paint ...> |
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Yes, some sort of device which, when activated (by the pressure of a holdall placed in the bath for example) distributes items of clothing appropriate to the opposite gender around the flat, thus saving MI6 (or the intelligence agency of your choice) the bother. |
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//a toy bazooka caused a school to be evacuated today. //
How times change - when I was about 12 or 13, my history teacher asked me to collect a Civil War (the English one, not that johnny-come-lately US one) sword he'd loaned to an exhibition.
I rode home with it on the bus, and next day, took it into school with me to give to him.
To be fair, I don't suppose it would cause as much damage as a real bazooka. |
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In anti-personell terms, think again. With the element of
surprise in my favor, I could go through an infantry squad
in 30 seconds (longer if they have bayonets fixed). My
longsword can't rip open a tank, though. |
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You're not hitting it hard enough then. |
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Yup… remember, a bazooka (or
panzerfaust or panzershreck, or indeed -
Gods help you- a PIAT) is a directional
shaped charge, if not- in the early
incarnations- a true EFP. |
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Used against personnel, yes, "target will fall if
hit", but there's really not that much off-axis
effect, or enough material in the casing for
fragmentation effects. |
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Hit a vehicle or a building and there'll be a
fair bit of spalling and secondaries which will
contribute to the mayhem, but don't go
expecting much result from blast effects- too
directional. |
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Yeah, I've heard that even the M203s grenades are
surprisingly ineffective unless fired into a small room. |
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My soft fluffy cushion has gone missing. Which one of
you thieves got to it...? |
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I like this idea, but I have an exciting life and my
surroundings seem to change daily. Sort of. |
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"These are a few of my favorite things..." |
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^heh-heh. Thanks for the laugh... and the excuse to self-
link. |
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My house is strewn with pagan artifacts, very odd
souveniers, things I've picked up in the woods, swords,
shields, firearms, marijuana pipes,
books on virtually every subject, Warhammer 40,000
figurines, random tools, back-issues of Playboy, and
mangled dog toys. There's a half-disassembled autoclave in
the corner of my living room. I probably don't need one of
these things, but I still like the idea. |
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I should probably tidy up. |
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<rapid audit of items within arm's reach> |
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Selection of polished brass shell casings,
25pdr shrapnel shell (now inert), 116 books, 3
operating notebook computers, Leatherman
Wave multitool, 5 part-bottles of single malt
whisky,
wallet, motorbike helmet, pair of antique
victorian handcuffs, replica Roman gladius in
scabbard, 7 remote controls, 3 mobile
devices, corkscrew, 36 writing implements,
drink coaster, 6 assorted pieces of coaxial
cable, USB hub (dismantled), tube of
toothpaste, can of fly spray, innumerable
DVDs and CDs, half metre length of 8mm o/d
316ss stainless steel tube, retractable dog
lead (small), battery-powered hamster (no
batteries), dead wasp in tiny jam-jar (no air
holes), parts used tube of GE clear industrial
silicone sealant, maglite, motorcycle
headlamp bulb with 'dip' filament burnt out,
PPringles tube half full of part used dry
batteries, 9.5Gb SCSI 3.5" HDD, one unused
black bootlace (long). |
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You're in the bathroom, then? |
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[+] Although I feel as though my life is mundane, my house is actually filled with exciting objects! I still love this idea and would have differently loaded objects for different visitors. (just to blow their minds!!) |
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//mjltitool// This Heathen variant is much rarer than the usual secular ones! |
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Not to be confused with the Muftitool, which is a
military standard pocket weapon, in civilian drag. |
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My life is exquisitely boring. When it isn't, it's off-the-wall bizzarre. |
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I used to hate being bored but I've learned to appreciate it because it never seems to last. |
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There are days I'd kill to be bored. The rest of the
time I just want the voices to stop. |
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"I hear voices, but I just ignore them and keep on killing" -
Sean Lock on Q.I. |
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I think that's what we'll find happened to Allison
Baden-Clay. |
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>Yeah, I've heard that even the M203s grenades are surprisingly ineffective unless fired into a small room. |
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Dammit, I'm not using one of those! I mean you have go round first, pretend to be from double-glazing company, baffle them with leaflets and complementary pens, while they reading the small print, you can then measure up, and then go away and then fire. It's hardly a stealth weapon, is it? |
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>25pdr shrepnell shell (now inert),
Aha, so you didn't notice the substitution... |
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The deluxe version of this product has a wide variety of object for ejection, with selection either programmable based the expected guest, or by way of themed presets, in the event of an unsolicited visit. This way, if any of the halfbakery's paramilitary wing come to tea, you can spunk a stupefying array of armaments and associated accoutrements all over your living space. Equally, if it's Jehovas Witnesses, simply say to them, "why of course, do come in" while reaching in your pocket for the remote control, pressing the button marked Plenty Dildos, and faking a coughing fit to mask the sound of a gross of cocks thudding to the carpet. |
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The superdeluxe version has each item on a spidersilk thin draw cord, so you tidying up can be effected by the touch of a button, the dildos slithering apparently of their own violition back across your hearth rug to the strange black box behing the coal scuttle. |
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// the halfbakery's paramilitary wing // |
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Come… join us… don't be afraid… |
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Oh... I thought I was already a part of it. I mean, I've never
had military training, but I wouldn't make a half-bad
sniper. Plus there's the whole swordfighting thing... |
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//Selection of polished brass shell casings, 25pdr
shrapnel shell (now inert), 116 books, 3 operating
notebook computers, Leatherman Wave multitool, 5
part-bottles of single malt whisky, wallet, motorbike
helmet, pair of antique victorian handcuffs, replica
Roman gladius in scabbard, 7 remote controls, 3
mobile devices, corkscrew, 36 writing implements,
drink coaster, 6 assorted pieces of coaxial cable, USB
hub (dismantled), tube of toothpaste, can of fly
spray, innumerable DVDs and CDs, half metre length
of 8mm o/d 316ss stainless steel tube, retractable
dog lead (small), battery-powered hamster (no
batteries), dead wasp in tiny jam-jar (no air holes),
parts used tube of GE clear industrial silicone
sealant, maglite, motorcycle headlamp bulb with 'dip'
filament burnt out, PPringles tube half full of part
used dry batteries, 9.5Gb SCSI 3.5" HDD, one unused
black bootlace (long).// |
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//faking a coughing fit to mask the sound of a gross
of cocks thudding to the carpet// |
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"Gross" being the operant term. |
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I feel so inadequate. I only have one and it barely reaches halfway to the carpet. |
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That's the trouble with being human, among this lot. |
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// I feel so inadequate. I only have one and it barely reaches halfway to the carpet. |
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Buy thicker pile carpet. Problem solved, except be easy to lose stuff in there. |
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I was thinking contact lenses, those small screws that always fall out of something when you take it to pieces, springs (see previous item), chihuahuas (not in itself a bad thing) and depending of the depth of the pile, Atlantis itself. |
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I hate it when I get a gaggle of chihuahuas stuck in
the tread on my boots. |
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//I hate it when I get a gaggle of chihuahuas //
I think the correct collective noun is "a vomiting of chihuahuas", or more simple "an up-chuck" |
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//define "stuff"// I was thinking about that the other day, in regards somebody everybody says is a hoarder, but actually simply has lots of stuff... |
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My:
Things - often used possessions
Stuff - not often used possessions, obsolescent
Junk - stuff that can be fixed or used to fix other stuff.
Trash - junk that can't be fixed and has no use; not to be confused with garbage which contains organic elements. |
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(There's also of course compost, reusables and recycleables) |
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The classifications are quite mutable of course: the two most common modifiers are personal attachment and coolness factor. |
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// Junk - stuff that can be fixed or used to fix other stuff.... The classifications are quite mutable ... common modifiers are personal attachment and coolness factor. // |
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Like occasionally looking wistfully at the thing used as a doorstop, and thinking, "Hmmm, now, all than needs is a couple of kilos of Plutonium and it would really whistle ..." ? |
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Are you still using that former girlfriend as a
doorstop? |
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