h a l f b a k e r yBaker Street Irregulars
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Suggested by an annotation by [Hippo].
Snowmen are notoriously ephemeral, and the great
snowmen
and snowwomen of our childhoods have long since rejoined
the
water cycle. Sad.
Fortunately, you can now immortalize your snowman using
the
MaxCo Snowman Immortalizing Kit (yes, we are working
on
the
name).
Once your snowman is fully perfected, simply moisten the
168
yards of plaster-impregnated fabric, and swaddle the
snowman
throroughly. Leave for 12 hours to set, then use the drill
(included!) to make a 2" hole in the top of the mummified
snowman's head.
Meanwhile, unpack and set up the bronze smelter, crucible,
overhead gantry and kettle. Pop the 1200kg of bronze
ingots
into the crucible, set the smelter to "ON", and use the kettle
to make a cup of tea while you wait. Once the bronze is
thoroughly melted, use the gantry to swing the crucible over
the enplastered snowman, and start pouring molten bronze
into the hole you drilled in the head. Be aware that there
may be some splashing and/or violent explosions as the
metal
argues with the snow.
Leave to set for approximately 18 hours, then chip away the
plaster shell to reveal your very own immortal (and largely
immovable) bronze snowman.
[EDIT] OK, we've got a better name from our marketing
department - it's now the Snowman Kit Immortalizer, or SKI.
[Note to self: review salaries in the marketing department.]
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Not made of snow though...... |
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Yes, it's made "with" snow initially ... it's not an entirely snow-neutral process. |
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Rather than bronze, we suggest a substance that has a similar silver-white colour and granular texture to snow; metallic Arsenic, perhaps ? |
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//it's not an entirely snow-neutral process// Ah, but it is. All
the water that once made the snowman becomes reavailable
for further snowage. |
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Murder of childhood heroes [+] |
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On further consideration, we now think that Antimony or Tellurium would give a more snow-like appearance and texture. |
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It sounds very similar to the process of bell-founding, where a sand or clay mould is filled with molten bell metal - a form of bronze - through a hole in the top, so that the casting fills up from the lowest part and finishes when you reach the bell end. |
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You could offer yourself to be cast in steel. Once you were totally incased in fireclay (apart from a small breathing hole) an opening would be formed above your head to allow the molten steel to be poured in very slowly. If all goes to plan, the superheated molten metal will boil you away, totally replacing your fleshy substance with that of solid steel. Once this has cooled, the fireclay exterior can be chipped off revealing your entire form, only now composed of solid steel. Your "boiled off self" can be collected in the form of a noxious gas that's probably only suitable for fumigating ebola contaminated blankets. |
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An immoral snowman would be more interesting |
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Our composition is not a proper subject for idle speculation. |
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I’m going to idly speculate on a mass of slowly
moving maggots who have been choreographed
into a vaguely humanoid shape. Oh look - here
comes a flock of hungry birds..... the vague shape
begins to cower under a convenient tarpaulin that
has blown off a nearby skip full of GM crops
waiting to be decontaminated with napalm. |
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Poor Jeremy Corbyn.. pecked to death by sparrows, what a way to go. |
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I've heard that molten steel is hot enough to destroy nerves before the heat is felt. |
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Yes, well, it's probably sensible not to believe everything you hear. Did the information come from someone with prosthetic limbs and/or extensive skin grafts ? |
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<ponders being considerate, as it's Christmas/> |
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We wonder what category this idea should be in - but at least it's not in Other: General ... Oh, wait ... |
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