Ice Cream Bag

College dormitories everywhere seem to suffer from the same vile pox on community living: Ice cream thieves.

These vile beings prowl the commons at night, feeding on the hard-bought ice cream of unsuspecting souls who depend upon the common good of others to leave their prized food in the only place it will stay cold: the community freezer.

A rare few dorms will smile on the slightly felonious booby traps some ice cream owners will install in their desserts to deter demonic thieves. However, the nurse's office will only stay quiet so long about broken teeth, punctured esophagi and poisonings.

Most dorms passively allow these denizens of the underworld to go about their fiendish pleasures unhindered, claiming "Your name must have rubbed off" (Since permanent marker doesn't write well on ice) or simply asking "What can you do?"

Well, it's fairly simple, really. You can lock up the ice cream in an ice cream bag.

Virtucom's upcoming fall lineup of freakishly paranoid security devices includes the all-new ice cream bag. This stylish device, made of colorful plastic coated wire rope and crimped metal rivets resembles a net bag. Customized brass name plates can be attached upon request. The bag is secured by a specially designed drawstring, to which a standard padlock (sold separately) can be attached to lock the bag shut, effectively keeping your ice cream free of anyone community-minded enough not to actually destroy property for a few bits of someone else's cold sugary treats.

We currently have two sizes, specially designed to fit the one gallon, and two gallon containers, with more on the way. Next spring's catalog is expected to boast solid steel "WTCTTISITM: Conspiracy theories" containers for ice cream, tapioca pudding and coffee. these containers are being marketed as proof against casual theft, and poisoning attempts.