h a l f b a k e r yWhat was the question again?
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Aromatherapy uses the application of essential oils to the skin, combined with massage, as a treatment.
Homeopathy uses extremely dilute solutions of active principles to treat disease.
Reflexology uses foot massage to improve health.
Reiki is a non-contact therapy based on the idea of "spiritual
energy".
Now, the wealthy and credulous can receive the ultimate in fringe therapy from a BorgCo trained and certified practitioner, who will deliver multiple sessions (paid for in advance, no refunds) of Homeopathic Aromatherapeutic Reiki Reflexology.
The therapist assesses the patient, who then removes their footwear and lies on a couch. The therapist then applies a minuscule amount of essential oil to their hands and holds them a short distance from the soles of the patients feet for a few moments.
The patient replaces their footwear and leaves the clinic happy, refreshed, and pounds* lighter.
Further research is proceeding into incorporating colonic irrigation into the therapy (for a substantial extra charge) but customer resistance and a severe shortage of volunteers for clinical trials have severely hindered the scheme.
*or dollars, euro, roubles or whatever other currency the client has. All credit cards accepted.
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Leave a drawing pin on the couch, then add acupuncture to the bill. |
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// treat the couch rather than the patient? // |
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Unfortunately a rigorous double-blind trial did not show conclusive evidence of benefit to the couch. |
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'Bless' ? Don't you dare come in here, parroting your unsubstantiated pseudo-religious claptrap, d'ye hear ? This is a properly run pseudo-scientific establishment, you know. |
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If you did two consecutive sessions of this, you could call it HARR HARR. |
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Do you have anything to say before sentence of death is carried out ? |
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This could be added to regular medicine for detoxification
and so, allowing actual scientific medical procedures to
work without all the side effects. I mean in case you need
medical treatment. |
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Ah yes, "detoxification". One of the great bollocks of modern life. There are any number of diets, creams, lotions and methods to "detoxify" the body. Strangely, no mention is ever made of what exactly these "toxins" are. |
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We know this one ... phlogiston, luminiferous aether, orgone, unobtainium and light water. |
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Is it permissible to install a single small hatch in the centre of the roof ? Otherwise, how are you going to get the Zyklon-B granules inside ? |
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Those inside should be allowed some minor concession to moderate their suffering, however brief; we suggest that they be permitted to take their pet cats (but not dogs*). |
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Should they lack a cat, then one will be provided free of charge. If they are allergic to cats, then two will be provided free of charge. |
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*Chihuahuas, not being dogs but in fact a distinct species of noisy rodent, will be encouraged. |
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Add "ist" to the end of your title, and you have my daughter's
title, perfectly, thank you. |
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Isn't detoxification trying to get rid of the crud in the
corners, that builds up over experiences? |
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// my daughter's title // |
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Well, not surprising, she comes from a long line of hucksters, charlatans and snake-oil vendors... |
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<rapidly receeding sound of running feet> |
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Can you afford crystals ? |
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Oh dear … sorry, but crystals is extra. |
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We currently have a special offer on a course of leeches, quite
reasonably priced … would that be of interest ? |
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That would be cheating, [8th]. Leeches can actually be useful, in a limited range of circumstances. |
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Does the // limited range of circumstances // include
"swallowed
alive as a remedy for a perforated gastric ulcer" ? Because if not,
more than one of our clients (possibly former clients by
now) may have a serious problem … |
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We mean, you tell them, "just slip one under the tongue", but do
they listen ? Ever ? No. No, they don't. Beats us why they bother
to pay for professional medical advice* in the first place. |
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*They definitely pay for professional medical advice. They don't
necessarily get it, but they certainly do pay what it ought to cost. |
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I was thinking more about their application to improve blood-flow to fingers and toes after re-attachment surgery. |
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Which reminds me - did you decide to cut the red or blue wire in the end? And had you really not guessed that it was actually the wire-cutters that were explosive? |
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We cut the blue wire, which fortunately was the correct one. |
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As to the wirecutters, tell Sturton that we will get him back forr
that. It's not big, and it's not clever. Could have taken someone's
eye out, those things … |
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Presumably he's still smarting from our little joke with the" fresh
seafood platter" ? We thought a medley of cone shells, blue-
ringed octopus, puffer fish and irukanji in a Marie-rose sauce
would be … piquant ? Is that the right word ? |
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As to the leeches, this clinic does not offer a body part
reattachment service - at least, not after last time. Was it you
that told the Intercalary that was an anatomy book ? We made
the offer of sheltered employment as a favour - the judge would
never have released him so early otherwise. and then you have
to mess it up for the sake of a cheap laugh (although to be fair, it
was bloody hilarious. well, bloody, certainly). |
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//the" fresh seafood platter"// He says it was delicious, thank you. He also said to tell you that next time someone sells you "fugu", you should be a little more skeptical, especially if they're standing on the banks of a chalk stream with a fly rod. |
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He seemed so convincing, with his spiel about "finest free-range organic fugu, guaranteed non-GM". Should have guessed, from that bleached-blonde hatchet-faced harridan carrying the basket. That's the last time we ever pay out good money for bloody "Duchy Originals" ... a right swindle. His lads are good chaps though, and his Dad's got a hilarious repertoire of very, very non-PC jokes. |
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His Mum's a bit humourless, though, holding all the notes up against the light and squinting at them, then looking in a mirror. Gods, she doesn't half put the gin away - nearly a full bottle in half an hour. Takes after her mother, we suppose. |
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//He seemed so convincing, // Quite so. Oh, and Sturton thought you should know that the blue-ringed octopus has blue rings on its legs and body, not its nose. And it has more legs and less fur. |
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