h a l f b a k e r yA riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a rich, flaky crust
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Do you really, truly care about the environment and your energy use ?
Of course you do !
Then do not hesitate. Your conscience demands that you immediately replace all your existing lamps with BorgCo super-efficient Dark Energy lamps.
These new units, retailing at a mere USD $199.99 plus tax
& shipping, convert regular mains electricity to Dark Energy Illumination with 100% efficiency.
They are so good that there is actually no measurable energy consumption, despite providing Dark Energy emission exactly equal to normal sunlight !
Buy now, before your Green credentials are completely destroyed, and all your friends stop offering you organic tofu, hand-knitted kaftans, and genuine vegan gravel, resulting in your rapid demise from shame and embarrassment.
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I'll take one. And a large fries, please. |
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Is there a refund policy? While I'm generally OK with
the physics crowd, I think this dark energy malarkey
might turn out to be total tosh. In that eventually, I
want my money back or at least a reassuring email
that lets me know that there's a normal bulb holder
behind the paper "Warning! dark energy emission"
sticker. |
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Dark matter is also rather suspect. Especially Marmite. |
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We disagree. Marmite is top kit. |
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// Is there a refund policy? // |
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Yes. It reads, "No refunds". |
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// I think this dark energy malarkey might turn out to be total tosh. // |
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A crowd of Prius-driving vegetarian sandal-wearing tree-huggers armed with pikes made from renewable timber, scythes made entirely from recycled materials, and fully carbon-offset flaming torches, will arrive at your dwelling imminently to restrain you in a socially acceptable way using genuine handcrafted ethnic free-trade plant fibre rope, and place you in an entirely organic GM-free Wicker Man, where you will be immolated, for your own good of course. |
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// Is there a refund policy? // |
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//Yes. It reads, "No refunds".// |
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LL, good stuff. Bun for the joke alone. |
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sp. fair-trade: ethnic fair-trade plant fibre rope |
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Get a patent so I can read about how it works. |
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We regret that the patent authorities are being inexplicably obstructive. Harsh and hurtful words have been bandied about, without justification. |
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We think they just want to steal the concept for themselves, because it's so good and clever. |
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What's the technical difference between a "dark energy
lamp" and an ordinary but burned-out lamp? Besides the
price, I mean.... |
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Didn't you read the bit about "providing Dark Energy emission exactly equal to normal sunlight" ? |
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The failed conventional lamp simply has a burnt-out filament with infinite resistance. The BorgCo Dark Energy lamp has an intact filament using our unique DarkShift technology (Pat. Applied for) which converts the hidden Dark Energy contained within the normal electricity supply to radiated Dark Energy, just like a conventional lamp converts electricity to heat and light, but for more money; but still presents an infinite resistance to the flow of normal electrical energy. |
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And thus the Environment is saved by your selfless (and expensive) actions. |
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Coming soon, our new range of protective eyewear which filters out over-intense Dark Energy but allows perfect vision in normal light, providing you don't need corrective lenses to begin with, in which case you need the slightly more expensive version made up to your prescription. |
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//but still presents an infinite resistance to the flow of
normal electrical energy.// |
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This may be tricky, many items are sold as insulators
or as devices with very large resistance values. However,
in a successful attempt to improve wiring losses, I've
moved to a 100,000 V domestic supply. The advantages
are just stacking up, what would be a problematic loose
contact at 110V is no problem. A 5A fuse is more than
enough for an oven and even the thinnest wire, or even
air is often enough to supply energy. Will this be a
problem for the dark energy filament? |
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No, not in the slightest. All BorgCo lamps are proof tested up to 1.5MV with no loss of performance. |
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They are guaranteed to free of asbestos, animal products, PBBs, artificial preservatives and colours. |
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Admittedly, they are mildly* radioactive, but that can't be helped. |
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*probably best if you aren't planning to have any (more) children. As long as you keep the lamp in its lead box, it will be fine, and the 20mm thick casing doesn't degrade its performance in the slightest. |
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Of course, however high the efficiency of these Borg
products, there's always room for improvement. If you
connect your DE lamp via a MaxCo. PowerMiser 3000, you'll
roughly double the efficiency. Twice the money, but twice
as much environmental friendliness. No greenbacks, no
green. |
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OK, for a 15% cut, MaxCo can be a Recommended Accessory Supplier. You can put a brochure in with the User Manual. |
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Standard bundle of used notes, in a brown envelope, tucked behind the water pipes in the third cubicle will be fine. No names, no pack drill, no perjury prosecution. |
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15% sounds great. We'd have settled for 10% if you'd
pushed. |
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S'OK, we are absolutely coining it from all these New Age Eco-warriors and an extra 5% is neither here nor there. |
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What with the Hybrid Vehicles, and the Renewable Energy scam (all coal-fired from the secret powerplants in devloping countries), it's getting awkward to find places to hide all the money. |
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We also have a bit of a glut of Organic GM-free tofu if you know any buyers. Every time a supertanker unloads its crude, we put the tank washout slurry through the Fischer-Tropsch line and there's another few thousand kilos of toxic sludge to foist on the gullible and credulous. Guaranteed vegan ! |
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// either it draws no current, // |
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It draws no current in terms of conventional energy. It uses only the Dark Energy present in all electricity supplies and re-radiates it. If you have a suitable meter, you can of course measure both Conventional and Dark current flow. |
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We will be delighted to rent or lease you such a device for an appropriate fee. Please note that the unit is sealed, as there are no user-serviceable parts inside and dangerous voltages can be present. |
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// or a temperature increase would be observed // |
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Only if the unit employed conventional energy in some way, which of course it doesn't. |
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// thus violating the 2nd law of consumer protection. // |
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That's just all the green environmentally-friendly goodness coming out. |
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Well, just don't tell those bastards at the patent office, that's our advice. Bunch of weasels, out for what they can get. |
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We will buy into your brochure as an Approved Supplier, say 10% of the gross ? [MB] will no doubt be interested too. |
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Do you want to lease a Dark Energy meter for demonstration purposes ? Discount for regular customers (at least, the ones who know how to keep their mouths shut). Ever so convincing, big Bakelite box and an enamelled dial and everything, just like in the original black-and-white Flash Gordon movies. |
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You know, I can't help thinking. |
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Just have another bucket of G&T. It works wonders. |
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//I’ve already got a leakage field detection meter// Yes,
many people need those as they get older. |
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