h a l f b a k e r yThe embarrassing drunkard uncle of invention.
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Cooking Christmas lunch is a precise military operation,
ensuring that some 8 or 10 dishes are all ready at the same
time. The last hour or so gets particularly frantic, and oven
space tends to run out.
The bird (goose or turkey) can come out of the oven 30
minutes before carving, and will
remain hot for that length of
time. However, it would be nice to have a bit more leeway.
MaxCo. is therefore proud to introduce its range of Goose and
Turkey Keeperwarmers. The goose ones are shaped a bit like a
rounded brick (or a stretched American football); the turkey
ones are shorter and fatter; both are available in a range of
sizes. Each one is hewn from living granite (whatever that is),
and polished to perfection.
While the bird is cooking, simply pop the Keeperwarmer into
your warming chamber, so that it reaches 50-60°C by the time
the bird is cooked. You can then take the bird out of the oven
a full hour before serving time, and pop the Keeperwarmer
into its cavity. Thus equipped, and covered with a teat owl,
your goose or turkey will hold its temperature for far longer
than would otherwise be the case.
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Annotation:
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If these were used to also deliver additional dill
flavour, they could have a more interesting name. |
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If the warmer was a stainless steel enclosure containing a suitable radioisotope, no preheating would be necessary. |
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// precise military operation // |
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Explosions, smoke, confusion, wreckage and debris everywhere, the screams of the wounded, panic, chaos, shouting, refugees fleeing with the few possessions they can carry ... ? |
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Yes, sounds about right for Christmas dinner. |
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Well, the Buchanan household has just feasted on roast goose,
sausagemeat and sage stuffing, maple-glazed roast parsnips
(yes), brussels sprouts with crispy pancetta and lemon drizzle,
caramelized mango, chorizo pigs in blankets, explody roast
potatoes, redcurrant jelly and lime-and-cranberry sauce. I
just wanted to let everyone know. |
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Of course, it would have been so much easier with a
Keeperwarmer. I may actually go out and find a suitable rock
and try it next year. |
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Sorry [Max] but even the Cullinan is too small for this purpose. And the very thought is gauche. |
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//Way too much. Chorizo is just more bacon.// I have to
agree with you on that one - chorizo is just too intense and
too salty. Next year, mini black pudding sausages in bacon.
Bread sauce - never been a fan, and with goose? |
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//even the Cullinan is too small// It turns out that granite
has a higher specific heat capacity than diamond, though not
by much. |
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Wait a minute. Am I supposed to believe that the
Buchanan estate has only one serviceable oven, let
alone only one kitchen? Good lord, don't the
waitstaff get to eat something warm every once in
awhile? The next thing you'll be telling me is that the
main dining hall has only enough space for 16
chairs, and that the butler shares a bathroom with
the footmen. |
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They've been slumming it in the Gatekeeper's Lodge at the end of the North-East driveway this year, while the foundations of the main house are away being repolished. |
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//Am I supposed to believe that the Buchanan estate has
only one serviceable oven// Your astonishment does you
credit. Obviously not, but there are certain Christmas
rituals that cannot be dispensed with. Ours is the long-
established argument over "why didn't you measure the
oven before you ordered the goose?*", followed by several
arcane demonstrations of freestyle martial arts. This
tradition dates back to approximately the 1600's, and is
often cited by biographers and historians as the reason why
entire swathes of the Buchanan line have, from time to
time, vanished without trace. |
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(*This line of argument has long since been debunked, since
it is illegal, within England, to sell geese by length. Since
the Food Adulteration and Fair Measures act of 1810 [which
refined an earlier, similar act dating back to the 1700's],
the only foods which may be sold by length are black
pudding, eels and, for some reason, cocoa.) |
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Perhaps a Dutch oven is called for? |
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Whoever looked at a goose's bum and said, "I think I'll stuff bread in there" |
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^ I suspect Sturton may have had a (hopefully rubber
gloved) hand in this practice... |
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NB I couldn't be arsed to find this out a while ago, but
I finally found out that cats can get catalepsy, or was
it cataplexy? |
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//cats can get catalepsy// yet, strangely, chickens don't get
chickenpox. |
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Can elephants get elephantitis? |
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No, they don't make tights in those sizes ... |
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Is it possible to electrocute an electric eel? |
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It's possible to electrocute a catfish. |
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Well ... it's possible to electrocute a cat, catfish can't be that different can they ? |
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I dunno. You can put a wardrobe into a flat but not into a
flatfish. |
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<Muffled yowling and splashing/> |
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You can, however, put both a cat and a catfish into a wardrobe. |
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For the benefit of the catfish, it is necessary to position the wardrobe on its back, and fill it to two-thirds of its depth with water. |
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This does not appear to be a satisfactory substitute for the classic Schrödinger's Cat experiment, as catfish don't make any noise, and a cat shut in a wardrobe two-thirds full of cold water is very obviously alive. And unhappy. |
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