Expletive Activated Car Horn Facilitator

Okay, so there I was pootling around town happily in my motor when some idiot in a souped-up silver penis-mobile cuts me up on a roundabout causing me to swerve out of his way into the path of another (far more expensive) car, and were it not for the quick reactions of all innocent parties there would have been a Rover to Mercedes interface leading to general carnage, financial ruin at the hands of unscrupulous insurers and the possiblity of underwear soilage. Not pleasant at all...

However, it later dawned on me that in the midst of avoiding the spotty youth in the XR2i, I was furiously trying to pummel the car horn on the steering wheel and consistantly missing, instead hitting light switches, windsceen wiper controls and on at least one occasion, my passengers face. I also managed, while flailing and swerving madly, to execute a stream of expletives which would have made Johnny Rotten blush. None of which the intended recipient could hear.

Wouldn't it be nice - I thought - if there was a device that could somehow reduce the arm-flailing and produce something useful from the profanities that I was uttering. Step forward the Expletive Activated Car Horn Facilitator! Using a cunningly concealed microphone and microprocessor, sophisticated software will recognise naughty words and convert them into car horn beeps and honks. This system will not only recognise cursing but modify the tone and amplitude according to what and how the words were said. For example, a full blown tirade of invective such as I produced ("You f*cking stupid w*nker*!I'll cut your b*lls off!") etc. would be converted into such crescendos of honks, hoots and toots that the miscreant would be in no doubt that he was firmly in the wrong and would immediately pull over his vehicle to apologise on bended knee and pay compensation for any trauma caused. Whereas a muttered "tw*t**" caused by the idiot doing 30 in the middle lane, would be but a mere shifty 'paarp'.

This system also has social benefits in that it may well reduce instances of swearing (in vehicles at least) because if your horn blared everytime you swore, you would surely tone down your language - until it was really needed anyway. And what's more it would save your childrens/mother-in-law/sensitive spouse from hearing your potty mouth as the words themselves would be drowned out in all the honking!

*Thats 'wanker' for our American chums - think 'jerk' but ruder... **And that one is 'twat', less rude than 'fuckwit' but more satisfying than 'plonker' .