Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman Retirement Homes

Englishmen, Irishmen and Scotsmen have been teaming up and walking into pubs for at least 150 years. Invariably, their entrance results in much hilarity and merriment. These dedicated trios have helped to forge the careers of untold thousands of comedians and gag writers, and provided much-needed amusement for millions of ordinary people whose lives would otherwise be the poorer.

But what becomes of these heroic, self-effacing international collectives? Gradually, they cease to be quite as amusing. Their livers start to fail, their perpetual drinking starts to take its toll and, one by one (or, rather, three by three), they find themselves pushed aside, excluded from mainstream comedy, regarded with pity by the stars of more contemporary jokes.

Where are they now? How does the Irishman feed his now elderly three-legged pig? Can the Scotsman still afford to hire a fishing boat on a regular basis? Can the Englishman still manage to feed and clothe his six-inch pianist? Nobody cares - they have fallen between the cracks in the comedy stage.

It is time something was done.

So.

MaxKare Inc. is committed to the opening of a series of Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman Retirement Homes across the land. Each home will provide all of the usual care and nursing facilities, heavily subsidised.

Only bona-fide Englishman/Irishman/Scotsman trios are admitted. Each trio must be able to provide evidence of having spent a significant period of time together, and of having made a living by walking into pubs over a period of at least 20 years. Pets are, of course, welcomed.

Each EIS-Retirement Home is equipped with a well-stocked bar, staffed by both a ruddy-cheeked barman and a buxom barmaid. Non-alcoholic versions of all popular drinks are stocked, and may be served discreetly to those residents whose livers are no longer what they were, without shame or embarrassment. A full range of comedy props is maintained, and can be supplemented according to the special requirements of each resident trio.

When the sad time comes where one member of a trio passes away, a card-filing-based database, maintained jointly by all EIS- Retirement Homes, is used to replace the missing individual with another of the same nationality. All residents register themselves as either butt, straight-man or punchline-artist, and are encouraged to maintain these roles in their new trios wherever possible.

In this way, lives are pulled back from brink of desititution, and the companionship and mutual support of these traditional comedy trios is maintained.

Remember, there is nothing sadder than the site of a lone Scotsman walking into a pub.