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Englishmen, Irishmen and Scotsmen have been teaming up and
walking into pubs for at least 150 years. Invariably, their entrance
results in much hilarity and merriment. These dedicated trios have
helped to forge the careers of untold thousands of comedians and
gag writers, and provided much-needed
amusement for millions of
ordinary people whose lives would otherwise be the poorer.
But what becomes of these heroic, self-effacing international
collectives? Gradually, they cease to be quite as amusing. Their
livers start to fail, their perpetual drinking starts to take its toll and,
one by one (or, rather, three by three), they find themselves pushed
aside, excluded from mainstream comedy, regarded with pity by the
stars of more contemporary jokes.
Where are they now? How does the Irishman feed his now elderly
three-legged pig? Can the Scotsman still afford to hire a fishing boat
on a regular basis? Can the Englishman still manage to feed and
clothe his six-inch pianist? Nobody cares - they have fallen between
the cracks in the comedy stage.
It is time something was done.
So.
MaxKare Inc. is committed to the opening of a series of Englishman,
Irishman and Scotsman Retirement Homes across the land. Each
home will provide all of the usual care and nursing facilities, heavily
subsidised.
Only bona-fide Englishman/Irishman/Scotsman trios are admitted.
Each trio must be able to provide evidence of having spent a
significant period of time together, and of having made a living by
walking into pubs over a period of at least 20 years. Pets are, of
course, welcomed.
Each EIS-Retirement Home is equipped with a well-stocked bar,
staffed by both a ruddy-cheeked barman and a buxom barmaid.
Non-alcoholic versions of all popular drinks are stocked, and may be
served discreetly to those residents whose livers are no longer what
they were, without shame or embarrassment. A full range of
comedy props is maintained, and can be supplemented according to
the special requirements of each resident trio.
When the sad time comes where one member of a trio passes away,
a card-filing-based database, maintained jointly by all EIS-
Retirement Homes, is used to replace the missing individual with
another of the same nationality. All residents register themselves as
either butt, straight-man or punchline-artist, and are encouraged to
maintain these roles in their new trios wherever possible.
In this way, lives are pulled back from brink of desititution, and the
companionship and mutual support of these traditional comedy trios
is maintained.
Remember, there is nothing sadder than the site of a lone Scotsman
walking into a pub.
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Annotation:
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[MaxB], you had me until I got to "heavily subsidized." Subsidized by whom? What about the plight of aging, short, left handed, freckle faced welders? The whole idea of heaping one more burden onto tax payers is creeping me out. Could you make this self sustaining? Perhaps turn them into elderly comedy clubs? I sense windfall profit potential here... |
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Aging members of comedy double acts whose partners have
died might support themselves with locum tenens work at
these establishments. Provided they can do the accents. |
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//Remember, there is nothing sadder than the site of a lone Scotsman walking into a pub.// |
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Except a lone Scotsman without a pub to walk into. |
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Or a pub without a single Scotsman in it. [+] |
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[Boomershine] Oh, it's not so bad. Not all married Scotsmen
are averse to a little extramarital fling. |
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//you had me until I got to "heavily subsidized." Subsidized
by whom?// |
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I am happy to report that the profits accruing from the Welsh
National Peltier are being used to support the Englishman,
Irishman, Scotsman Retirement Home Scheme. |
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[mouse] Not really interested, but thanks for the tip. |
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I picture whole communities of Polish, several ladders, and not a working light bulb in the whole place. |
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//...the profits accruing from the Welsh National Peltier are being used to support...// |
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Alrighty then [MaxB], bun. [+] |
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Hey, this opens the door for a whole new genre of 'An Englishmen, an Irishmen and a Scotsmen walk into a retirement home...' gags. |
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An Englishmen, an Irishmen and a Scotsmen walk into
a retirement home. The Irishman notices a light bulb
burnt out......is it dinner time? |
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An Englishmen, an Irishmen and a Scotsmen walk into a retirement home. Fookin' invisibility paint gets 'em, every time. |
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[infidel] At least mine wasn't supposed to be funny. |
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I didn't want to do the one about the Scottish dwarf and the 3ft 6in prick. |
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Two pieces of yttrium-barium- copper oxide walk into a really
cold pub. One of them turns to the other and says "My
mother in law is so ugly, she doesn't use Immac, she uses
Agent Orange."
"That's an awful joke!" says the other.
"Sorry", says the first one, "I couldn't resist." |
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The other one's father is a part-time conductor. |
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Ah, the chain of retirement homes might be known as "Rue Britannia"... |
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//the site of a lone Scotsman walking into a pub.
// |
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Yep, that would be a pretty sad place. |
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Ah, yep, yeah, glad you, ah, spotted that one. |
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English, Irish, Scotsman jokes ever went away. |
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English, Irish, Scotsman jokes ever went away.// |
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I'd vote for an Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman drowning pool. |
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Och, I don't know about this. There are demerits, specifically that this ersatz Royal Chelsea Hospital might end up exacerbating the nationalism that is endemic in the decrepit, becoming not a cosy facility for Old Joke Containment but instead a hotbed of petty antagonism - electric blanket cables cut, gruel knocked to the floor, Wether's Originals half-inched, the wrappers left in tell-tale piles next to the commode - all eventually boiling over into a full-scale three-way internecine battle, frail and frenzied warcries, zimmers locked like antlers, false teeth skittering over the lino of the day room. |
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//full-scale three-way internecine battle, frail and frenzied
warcries, zimmers locked like antlers, false teeth skittering
over the lino of the day room.// |
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..and the demerits of which you spoke? |
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//zimmers locked like antlers// A beautifull image that. |
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I see MaxKare Inc branching out into other comedic homes caring for Priests, Rabbis and Immams, Engineers, Mathematicians, and Physicists, and a special one reserved exclusively for Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. |
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Possibly a pub/stables for horses etc. |
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You lot aren't taking this seriously, I can tell. |
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//You lot aren't taking this seriously, I can tell.//
"You had me at YBCO..." |
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