h a l f b a k e r yAssume a hemispherical cow.
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Many people now pine for the days of life in East Berlin under semi-Soviet control. Life was simple. There were clearly defined rules; no confusing choices to be made; everything was provided (in discrete amounts); and the ever vigilant Stasi kept good order. People drove around in cars that were actually
made from a type of compressed paper (the wonderful Trabants). The news was always positive and joyous, listing the latest achievements of the all powerful state.
Only mad, and dangerous people would try and escape to the greedy, uncaring decadent west, so a wall was built to protect them from their own corruption, and to keep life pure and uncontaminated in the utopian East.
All of this nostalgia for life in East Berlin creates the perfect opportunity to re-create the whole experience, by walling off a substantial area of Berlin and regenerating every aspect of life as it was before the wall came down. This would be an expensive operation, but since Russia under Putin is now a wealthy country, the money wouldn't be a problem. I'm sure he could persuade his best friend to invest in the eTrump tenement blocks needed to house all of the new residents. Made of grey breeze blocks, these unrelenting Soviet style monoliths could be thrown together in no time.
Grants would be awarded for those electing to move (permanently) from the West to the East, where they would receive a rent free eTrump apartment; the free use of a Trabant; an East Berlin Neu passport and a simple permanent job, (like making suitcases or stamping out parts for AK47s). Everything would be exactly as it was in the former East Berlin all over again. The big difference this time would be that people could elect to live there, with the full knowledge of what life was going to be like.
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The designated area should be cleared and prepared by massed bombing raids using Lancasters and B-17's. |
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There may be a few "overs" of course ... |
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I've spent months in "modern" east Berlin. I'm not sure the wall is even necessary in order to make someone's dream a reality. The streets in east Berlin are still named after communist thinkers. The statue of Marx's head is still prominent, so far as I know. Russians still live in some areas, and the people are "real" -- really boring, practical, indifferent, and at times genuinely interested in foreigners, or absolutely not at all. The story goes that Nazis in Berlin come from the eastern areas, although I just think they're just less circumspect about their real politics. What was once West Berlin can be much posher, colder. |
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I always found the part that used to be in the East
to be quite lively and filled with fellow creatives,
many of them ex UK and Ireland. |
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It may still depend where you go. Although there were certainly hostels in the area, non-Germans were exceptionally rare (I met 3). I was very deliberately trying to avoid the kind of foreigners who party in Berlin. |
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There was even a German who'd built a complete scale model replica of East Berlin before the wall fell, for children I think, though he seemed to be getting no donations or visitors. |
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It's astonishing how easy it can be to find places which never see foreigners. Just wander around in the neighborhood on the other side of the famous bridge in Florence, Italy. |
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It's the area of Mitte, Friedrichshain and
Prenzlauer Berg that I would wall off again. I think
it would be a popular location for many. It could
even function as a type of Kibbutz, only Soviet
style. |
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But, but, but there's so much history to see ... "On your left, that's where Koniev's tanks killed dozens of Hitlerjugend ... on your right, the site of a particularly horrific mass rape ... on your left, a bunker where Zhukov's pioneers entombed a dozen SS fanatics using a demolition charge after burning their skin off with flamethrowers ... on your right, there used to be a pretty church until the RAF flattened it by accident..." |
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Berlin. All the history you could want ... like Waterloo, but with the additional smell of charred human flesh. |
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Sounds more like a job for the Klingons, but we'll be delighted to put you in touch. We don't normally pass on potentially profitable jobs, but we have plenty to keep us busy ... so many cats, so little time ... |
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