h a l f b a k e r yI CAN HAZ CROISSANTZ?
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Every single pavement in the city has 24hour video surveillance connected up to image-recognition software (possibly augmented by an electronic nose). Whenever it spots a dog defecating on the pavement, it saves a minute or two of video onto the hard drive. Otherwise the video is discarded (for reasons
of civil liberties).
The cameras are mounted on stands. If you stand in the dog's poo, you place your foot (with shoe) on the stand and it extracts a sample. It correlates this sample with the original video of the defecation instant, and gives you a copy of the video on CD. What you do with the CD is up to you. You can take it to the police station, where the police will track down the dog's owner and smear his/her face in the dog poo. Or broadcast it on public television to shame the owner. Or hire a bounty-hunter.
(I just stepped in some dog poo on my way to lunch, so I'm a bit irritated.)
This invention has the advantage that all victimless poos go unpunished, and it satisfies the retributive instincts of victims. Also, this is a feasible invention, unlike the time machine that I was mulling over at lunch.
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Are you fuc*ing serious? Do you know how much your
taxes will rise after a project so insanely over
complicated and expensive? If you cant walk down the
street without stepping in dog sh*t then you probably
should have your picture taken and distributed among the
general public with a caption that says "beware this
person is an idiot" Maby since you seem to be such a
good dog turd detector you could invent some kind of
vacume shoes that suck up dog shit into a tank when you
step on it and the city council can hire you to walk
around the streets sucking up dog crap all, day I'm sure it
would take some of the time that is obviously weighing so
heavily on your hands so you wont have time to think up
crackpot schemes like this. Oh did I mention that this is
a rant? |
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I have all sorts of advice for people who are afflicted by nuisance dogs and dog-owners. A nuisance dog owner is a typical one who thinks your yard, rather than theirs, should have dog poo on it, and they bring their dog twice a day for a free delivery. |
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Recently I talked to a dog walker, hiding my secret loathing, being very polite, and they were talking about how their dog just ate some other crap on the road. When I stayed out of leash range, and explained I don't like being licked by dogs, they went off about how "sanitary" (e.g. crap) dog spit is. BTW I wonder what that cruddy residue is all over the windows of dog-owner's cars. |
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Hmmm. I wouldn't mind so much if there were more of those crap-eating dogs! |
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Behind the scenes I set up all sorts of contraptions to mess with nuisance dogs and their owners. Ultrasonic stuff. Stuff that people can't smell that irritates the hell out of dog noses. "Invisible fence" transmitters. Electric fire hydrant. And "return to sender" on the dog poo... etc... |
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If stray dogs keep ripping up your trash, throw away some "pest control products". |
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You could at least set up your own surveillance system by pointing your camcorder out the window at where you walk. |
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You should consider joining my organization:
P.O.O.P. (People Opposed to the Ownership of Pets).
The number of lousy pet owners is staggering. Not to mention stepping in dog doo is enough to ruin a persons day.
(BTW, I have a Border Terrier, Jack Russel Terrier and a Bearded Dragon. P.O.O.P. is simply a rant platform.) |
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Honestly ... theres nothing quite like travelling down my street at a steady trot in the morning dodging precariously placed poos. It's like a game for me. |
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Plus there's nothing quite like that moment in a conversation with a mate while walking down the street where one of you steps in a pile of crap, look over at your buddy and just laugh. |
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Oh yeah <chuckle> those are the good times. |
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