Bag of fake dog mess

It is beholden to responsible dog owners who walk their dogs in public to clean up the mess that said dogs sometimes leave.

But what if you’re lazy, antisocial, and just an all-round bad citizen ?

Then the BorgCo “Bag of fake dog mess” is the product you’re looking for.

The “bag” is actually some ovoid lumps of silicone in a thin, flexible yet tough membrane; within the membrane is also some inert oil.

To use, place the device in a conventional opaque (usually back) plastic dog mess bag and conceal it in a pocket. When your pooch does his or her business, reach into the pocket and extract the “bag” which can be concealed in the palm of the hand, along with an unused bag which you pretend to open.

Then, bend down, make appropriate arm movements suggesting that you are cleaning up the steaming heap, and walk away, ostentatiously dangling the “bag” from your fingertips. The unused empty bag is returned to the pocket.

It will appear to onlookers that you have in fact cleaned up the mess. If challenged, hold up the “bag” as evidence. If palpated, it will have a moist, squidgy feel, enough to deter further investigation, and as it's been in your pocket it should be slightly warm. If the challenger points at the offending residue, explain that your dog likes to do his or her business next to other dog’s business, and you have cleared up after your own dog; it is not your responsibility to clear up after others, as you have a limited supply of bags and may need another in the near future.