h a l f b a k e r yIf ever there was a time we needed a bowlologist, it's now.
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Man walks up to me in a bar:
[calum]: Hey Jb. Nice kilt. [me]:Thanks, it's "Dress MacDonald" - my Mum's family are clan MacDonald.. and I like the tartan anyway. Fancy a pint?
[c]: Nice one - pint of the good stuff, cheers
[me]:Sure.
...
5 pints later...
...
[c]: 'scuse
me - where did you say the 'gents' were in this place?
<I point in general direction of the toilet>
[c]: I'll be back in a minute - but these kilts, as great as kilt wearing is, its a bit of bother after a few pints to do this whole "wrangling" malarky. <[calum] disappears for 5 minutes - comes back to the bar looking 'refreshed' and a little dizzy>
[c]:I tell you what [Jb], if toilets like that catch on a kilt wearer will never have to 'wrangle' again!
[me]: Oh yeah? Well lets see - I need to go too.
I walk in to the gents only to find a series of cubicles - some are the standard kind with a usual cistern in them - some are the like of which I have never seen before. Like a vertical cylinder, I feel as if I am inside a giant paracetamol capsule.
<swoosh-clunk>
A door has slid shut behind me and in the ambient blue light I see that I am standing on a slightly raised pedestal. A voice, not unlike the ones you get in elevators, emanates from somewhere above me.
[voice]: Please stand in the centre of the turntable
What? Must mean this pedestal. At this point a mechnical arm extends from the ceiling and places itself firmly on my shoulder.
The turntable starts to spin - with the arm firmly holding me so that I spin with the floor. Faster and faster I spin - so fast that the centripetal force causes my kilt, sporran and all, to raise like a spinning top. Through my shock and small degree of fear I remember that I was bursting for a pee. It dawns on my that I am meant to pee against the wall while my kilt is airborne. "Genius!" I think to myself. I proceed to 'relieve' myself against the capsule wall - the 'business' drains down the sides and under the turntable into some kind of gutter. All the while I am in wonderment at how I somehow manage not to throw up - "Must be magic".
The spinning gradually slows and stops. The door slides open <clunk-swoosh>.
[voice]: Have a nice day.
I wander back to the bar - where [calum] stands.
[c]: See what I mean!
[me]: 'Kin hell. Thats is brilliant, but... I need a drink!
Kilt Coil
http://www.halfbake...om/idea/Kilt_20Coil
My inspiration. [Jinbish, Oct 05 2004, last modified Oct 17 2004]
on reflection, what an excellent idea...
http://www.thenorth...uk/HadriansWall.htm
[po, Oct 05 2004, last modified Oct 17 2004]
Fergie MacDonald
http://www.telepoint.co.uk/fergie/
is a legend. I have seen this man in his underpants. They are voluminous and pristine white in the Highland sunshine. [calum, Oct 05 2004, last modified Oct 17 2004]
Make your own kilt
http://users.tinyon...c/kiltsite/kilt.htm
with some ranting about it being a *man's right* to wear a kilt. I'm not stopping you! [hazel, Oct 05 2004, last modified Oct 17 2004]
Winded Kilt
http://www.coolmen....div_bilder/kilt.jpg
Ah, this image has so many applications... [k_sra, Oct 05 2004, last modified Oct 17 2004]
Some tartans - (for [Apologetic_cynic])
http://www.lindacli....com/MacDonald.html
[Jinbish, Oct 05 2004, last modified Oct 17 2004]
Royal Stewart Tartan
http://www.lindacli...com/StewartRoy.html
Used for tourist tat (cf Hairy Haggis). [Jinbish, Oct 05 2004, last modified Oct 17 2004]
Steel Drum Urinal
http://www.halfbake...el_20Drum_20Urinals
Combine lostdog's idea with Jinbish's, for maximum tremendosity. [calum, Oct 05 2004, last modified Oct 17 2004]
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Annotation:
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I just like the title... + |
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Genius, Joseph and Merry-go-round! |
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[voice]: Please do not number two, and have a nice day. |
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Interesting, really, that traditionally conservative Edinburgh produces the kiltpiss solution for the individual to choose and Red Glasgow, rife as it is with communists and malcontents, spawns the unitary solution. |
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On a practical note, though, kilt material is very heavy, especially when weighed down with a beer change filled sporran, so the centripetal force generated would have to be especially strong. When coupled with what will doubtless be a piss-soaked pedestal, I respectfully suggest that automatic foot clamps are added to the design. |
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Also, there needs to be the music of Fergie MacDonald playing inside at all times. |
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Wonderful, [Jinbish] - can't wait for the wedding dress/bride's maids model! |
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genius, and why is it only scotish men can wear kilts, i want a kilt... seriously though how many G would you pull? |
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Don't some Irish wear kilts as well, or is that just in films? |
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If I could afford a kilt, I think I would wear one. |
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You could make your own [lbaf] according to this link, but beware people will expect you and your compatriots to lose all sporting competitions if you wear one |
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I have experienced a similar device. Only it was a little larger, extracted vomit from users and people paid to go on it (I think it was called the "Cylone or something). Plus the centrifugal force pinned everyone to the vomit-covered walls and the floor dropped away! |
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//On a practical note, though, kilt material is very heavy, especially when weighed down with a beer change filled sporran, so the centripetal force generated would have to be especially strong. // |
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Not true. Centripetal force increases with the mass of the object being spun. So a heavier kilt would have a higher force. |
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//why is it only scotish men can wear kilts// |
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Not so, [engineer1]. I used to think that one should wear their own family tartan - hence I wear my mother's. However, I once saw a documentary where the 'uneducated' presenter was being taught how to play bagpipes by a Scot. She asked him if she was "allowed" to wear tartan. I really liked his answer: "The family of whose tartan you choose to wear are proud that you have chosen their colours.".. or something to that affect. |
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The centripetal force required would not be so strong. All that would be needed is enough to lift the kilt out of the 'firing line'. As any that have danced in a kilt will know (Mr [calum] for one, judging by the allusions in his HB idea <linked>), it doesn't take too vigourous a twirl raise it reasonable distance. |
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I thought this would be a kilt lifting blast of air from beneath the user. |
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Ah, I should have learned never to talk physics with physicists. Oh well. I still think that you'll need to spin pretty fast to get the kilt high enough to be out of the sprinkle zone. |
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[hazel] I think the Irish fellas wear them too. |
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There's a bloke who comes into my regular, who is half german and half american. He has decided that the scots are the best people on the planet and wants to be in their gang so he has changed his name to Mc-something and wears a kilt. He also comes along to all of the irish session evenings and sings scottish folk songs. Badly. Everyone waits quietly for him to finish howling as though his balls are stuck in the business end of a dyson hose, and then they play something proper. Sad man.
If this toilet had a quick release button to be actuated by the landlord to rid the bar of irritating clientel, I'd bun it. If the lid could flip up and the whole thing tilt slightly, he could be spun out into the night. |
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I'm sure this would make Ivor Cutler proud, and of course Mr T. Crapper. |
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What on earth is a tartan? |
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The pattern of the kilt fabric. Called plaid in the US I think? |
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A tartan is a kind of pattern, most often associated (but not always) with Scotland. There are many patterns, most of which (but by no means all) are attached to Scottish families. Each family or clan will have some different 'flavours' of their tartan - back in the day these would be for different occassions: hunting tartans are usually green, muted; or working tartans will be quite plain whereas dress tartans usually have a band of white and are a little bit more formal. The link shows some MacDonald tartan patterns. My kilt is made with 'Dress MacDonald' fabric. |
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[hazel];[squeak]: Craic-loving Irish lads wear kilts too! |
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(incidentally, the garish bright red tartan that is most often used on tourist crap is "Royal Stewart") |
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From the Moss Bros formalwear hire company: |
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"Highland wear is not restricted to Scotsmen .A charter passed in Queen Anne’s time suggested that the English could wear any of the Royal tartans. This made it perfectly respectful for anyone wishing to don a kilt to wear the Royal Stewart and Hunting Stewart tartans." |
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[jonthegeologist] is directly descended from the MacLaines of Lochbuie (Isle of Mull) so is allowed to wear their tartan. I haven't checked out if it's a nice one or not but now we're due to wed I should possibly find out before the big day or it could all be a dreadful shock |
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