h a l f b a k e r yA few slices short of a loaf.
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A standardised mandatory cigarette packet made of tough plastic. Contains 20 cigarettes, a coin cell battery, and a piezo speaker. Designed so that attempting to open it results in damage or destruction of the contents.
To get a cigarette, press the button and hold it. The chip plays a 2-minute recording
of a smoker's bronchitic coughing fit. Then the latch releases and a single cigarette is ejected.
Next time, get a recording of a small child reciting how they miss their parent who died of ling cancer/heart disease/stroke.
Financed by just increasing the price of cigarettes.
[link]
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Ling cancer? I haven't seen [Ling] around in a while, but what a horrible thought. Not cool, man. |
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Oops … that should of course be "lint cancer"
(very nasty). |
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Yes - I can see that this is an excellent idea. |
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Of course, it's possible that people would just buy
regular cigarettes in regular packs, pausing only to
give you a cheery "fuck you" as they left. |
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No, these are the ONLY type of pack in which
tobacco products can be purchased. |
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Ah, right - increased government intervention
regarding the permitted arrangements of
commonly available atoms. |
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Another excellent idea from the hegemonizing
smarm. |
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Well, I suspect that many people would be
tempted to merely reiterate their earlier
comment of "fuck you", possibly adding "you
miserable immature microediting cunt".
Naturally, I would not condone such an outburst,
but I could understand why some uncharitable
individuals might utter it. |
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[EDIT] on second thoughts, I take that back and
apologize. What I actually meant was "you
miserable _mean-spirited_ microediting cunt."
And shame on
anyone who would say such a thing. |
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Hey, are you implying we're miserable ?
We're definitely not miserable. |
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The rest of your comments could perhaps
have been a little more tactfully phrased … |
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Rest assured, they are not my comments. I am
merely attempting to forewarn you of the likely
response of the 35% of the world's adult
population who, most unreasonably, seek to enjoy
something which is pleasurable but dangerous. |
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I know from my long first-hand experience of the
'borg that they are quite rightly opposed to any
expression of freedom of choice which carries any
risk, and that they (it?) have only the most benign
concern for our well-being - amusingly disguised as
a desire to punish transgressors in various ways.
That is why I,
personally, am so supportive of yet another
attempt to force us all to be smiley happy and,
above all Safe 'n' Secure human beings. |
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There are those, of course, who will argue that
this idea is rather childish and yet, at the same
time, paradoxically, nannyish. |
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There are yet others who might say that this idea
is obvious and required little or no mental effort
to create - it being along the same lines as "put
explosives in cigarettes", "add nerve gas to every
tenth bottle of wine or spirits" or "put big metal
needles in jam doughnuts". |
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I, of course, pooh-pooh any such suggestions. But
you need to be aware that such a reaction may be
forthcoming from a large proportion of the
relaxed, easy-going masses who get out and have
some sort of social life. |
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//"put explosives in cigarettes" |
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Not a lot of point really. |
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Look, if everyone in the UK gave up smoking today, it would be a disaster for the NHS. It would still be forking out on cancer treatments for the next half century or so, but without the 8% over and above that smokers contribute. |
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//2-minute recording of a smoker's bronchitic coughing fit |
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I can do that already, what do I need the machine for? |
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<reaches for the oxygen mask> |
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