Cotton Candy Toilet Bowl

Gone are the days of dabbing and wiping with flimsy, soggy toilet paper. Install the Cotton Candy toilet bowl module for faster, fingerless paperwork. It consists of no more than a perforated metal ring mounted above the waterline and a hopper-pump unit on the reservoir.

The hopper is filled with the mix of industrial potato starch and micro confetti, available at most supermarkets and service stations. When a derriere deed is done and any frontal lobes have been removed from the line of fire, hit the red floor switch with the right heel. Like a cotton candy machine, a circular pattern of particle streams will gently spray the exposed area with a moist mist of cellulose, reaching every hair and cranny.

When the build-up approximates a four-ply tissue, the unit blasts the area with warm air, turning the pulp to paper in seconds. Pinch and peel an edge far from the bull’s eye for sanitary removal and release to dissolve in the bowl. An occasional wipe action may be needed to dislodge clinging stalactites.

By adding the shredder-mulch option you can recycle three Idahoes and a weekday New York Times or The Sun minus page 3 (silicone gums up the works) into one whole week’s roughage remover.

Or for a holiday treat, Fathers Christmas, load the hopper with a super-sized fries in the bag, the Sunday comics and scraps of gift-wrapping paper. Sit ass-backwards on the loo letting it all hang out and hit the switch to colourfully decorate the Yule log for Mrs Claus. Add a bright ribbon to keep it from bursting out of the party package.