Contra Constipation Cummerbund

Congratulations on your purchase of a quality product from Cni Inc where we’ve been moving bowels since 1836. Honored customer, please hook on your chic crapper cincture and look down to contemplate your navel area. Yes, we know the cummerbund is too large! This is deliberate and reveals the secret of our success, explained below.

By consulting any anatomy diagram such as shown in the link, you will note that one third of the large intestine lies in a lateral band on the front of the gut. Food-to-poo in this area moves right to left, if at all. By counter-clockwise hula-hoopping the broad, hefty cummerbund, you’ll be squeezing, prodding and massaging stubborn rest products on to the point of no return.

Now with feet firmly planted on the earth, a gritted-teeth smile and well oiled cheeks pressed to the chamber pot, proceed to swivel vigorously. Relief is only a minute of 50 rpm away. Then you deserve to wipe your brow, first.