Caterpillarbox

Well, let's say you've managed to catch a malevolent moggy in the act of desecrating your herbaceous border, either by the classic swift-grab-at-the-scruff-of-the-neck method, the athletic swift-swipe-with-butterfly-net method, or the painstaking but relaible saucer-of-catfood-upturned-washing-basket-stick-and-string method.

What then ? Felix Domesticus may be languishing in your purpose purchased pussy penetentiary (a large plastic dustbin with a clip-on lid and a solitary airhole) but the problem remains. Release back into the wild will mean that the offending recidivistic cat will be back within hours, glaring at you and no doubt repeating its offence. Applying a swiftly flowing hosepipe to the air-hole, or the option of filling the bin with Zyklon-B crystals thought the conveniently-positioned chute, followed by a swift burial at midnight in an unmarked grave, is highly tempting - but the possibility exists that you may have been observed in your cat-catching by a neighbour, and are in grave peril of having your abode surrounded by a rampaging mob of demented cat-lovers, waving flaming torches and pitchforks and mumbling "Rhubarb, rhubarb".

Enter the Caterpillarbox. Each residential area will have such a box conveniently placed within walking distance - perhaps adjacent to the existing network of mail boxes. One takes the unwanted feline to the box, and posts it in through the aperture, where it falls vertically down on to the red-hot rotating knife blades and <SKKKKRRRRK> where it descends gently down a chute into a warm, dry carpeted chamber equipped with soft lighting, food, water and a selection of soft toys.

On a daily basis, a van tours round and collects the cats from the Caterpillarboxes. The driver examines them for collar tags and microchips; those cats that can be identified are returned to their owner, along with an invoice for the service - hopefully, a swingingely expensive one running into four figures. Those cats which are not identified are taken to a central facility where they are placed in a cage contaning red-hot rotating knife blades and <SKKKKRRRRK> placed in a comfortable, draught-free cage with soft lighting, food, water and a selection of amusing toys, until their owners can be traced and come and collect them.

Note: No cats were harmed in the making of this idea (but don't get the idea that I wasn't sorely tempted ....).