h a l f b a k e r yPlease listen carefully, as our opinions have changed.
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In December, [ytk] will receive an item of mail. |
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On opening, it will be found to contain a perfectly ordinary non-toxic non-explosive Christmas card from the Borg Collective, containing the message "Best Wishes For Christmas And The New Year". |
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Paramedics will manage to restart [ytk]'s heart at the third attempt, although extensive post-trauma counseling will be required. |
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The standard 19 minutes of programming content in a half
hour television slot will be shortened to 12 minutes to
make way for two more advertising breaks. Meanwhile the
opening sequences and end credits will be done away with
altogether so that a four-hour block of reruns will flow into
an uninterrupted single sitting for gullible viewers. |
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This is a stupid idea, the other one was much better. |
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On March 27, 2014 , numerous videos of a mysterious "flying car" will appear on social media around the world. Soon thereafter (I'm thinking April 17th) a press conference will be held near Astoria, Oregon to officially announce the arrival of a product that has been promised to us since the 1950s - the flying car. |
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Stepping forward will be a group of ex-military scientists and engineers formerly based in Area 51. Developed in collaboration with a hydrologic research team based in Prince Rupert, and financed by reclusive West Coast investors, the Seawing will be powered by a revolutionary fusion engine fueled by seawater. |
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Because these groups are based in the Pacific Northwest, the Republic of Cascadia will emerge from the ensuing economic and political chaos caused by the collapse of the petroleum and automotive industries. By the end of the year, the thriving nation of Cascadia will have assisted in the creation of and economic recovery in other new North American bioregions such as Laurentia, Sonoma, and the CSA (Confederate States of America). |
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New Yorkers will, of course, have already created their very own country, called Geddouddahere! |
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//a revolutionary fusion engine fueled by seawater// |
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From Prince Rupert??? Powered by rainwater surely! |
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Hot damn, now's our chance to secede. Who wants to buy
the rights to a shitpile of renewable resources and then pay
us to harvest, process, and deliver them? |
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The early television success of Bozo The Clown was
finally replicated with the emergence of The Higgs
Bozo, a post-modern comedic genius who got
everyone to laugh at the gravity of their situation. |
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During archaeological excavations in Saudi Arabia a codicil to the Koran, handwritten and signed by the prophet Mohammed will be found. On translation it will be found to read "Ooops, er, sorry, just had another chat with Allah, bit of a mix up on my part, the Jews are right after all". |
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There will be a long silence. |
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After the long silence, the archaeologist will quietly
rebury the codicil. He will then grab a handy piece
of papyrus and covertly write "Actually, you know,
bacon's alright after all" on it, then wait for the ink
to dry before 'discovering' it. |
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A famous singer once thought dead will stage a
massive come-back. |
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I saw Elvis just the other day. |
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Funny - he didn't mention having seen you. |
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