h a l f b a k e r yOn the one hand, true. On the other hand, bollocks.
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MaxwellBuchanan will be revealed to be one half of a split-
personality, the other half being JesusHChrist.
Ian Tindale will be nominated for the Nobel Prize in
Philosophy for discovering that 42 is in fact, the final
repeating digits of pi. Mathematicians everywhere will
unionize and revolt
against the newfound revelation.
hippo will become the first halfbaker to dive in Challenger
Deep, and find a sign there stating 'Kilroy was here.'
The Borg will assimilate the feline species, which will drive
8thof7 into a pitifully-mad rage of self-loathing when he is
overcome by a desire to lick his hands.
I will find a job again, lose it, regain it, and repeat this
cycle faster and faster until I approach a quantum state of
simultaneous employment and unemployment,
determinable only by probability and a slit experiment by
Vernon.
President Pence will continue the 3:00 am tweet tradition
and inadvertently reveal himself to be Flash Gordon' evil
twin.
Star Trek by Tarantino
https://www.inverse...&utm_medium=inverse
[theircompetitor, Dec 22 2017]
[link]
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Scientists will prove conclusively that Global Warming is indeed anthropogenic, and is caused entirely by windmills, solar panels, catalytic converters, eating a vegetarian diet, and riding bicycles while wearing garments made from lycra. |
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Reassuringly, it will be discovered that the effects can quickly be reversed by fracking, cutting down trees, burning coal, ensuring high levels of lead, phosphorus, mercury and aromatic hydrocarbons are present in all vehicle fuels, and consuming bacon sandwiches. |
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A massive environmental cleanup programme is needed to deal with the biological residue left behind when these facts become public, killing millions of beardie-wierdie tree-hugging prius-driving guardian-reading envirofascsts by causing their little pointy heads to explode. |
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Jeremy Clarkson will be acclaimed as a God. |
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God will be shown not to exist, thereby killing two birds with one stone. |
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Revised measurements will reveal that [MaxwellBuchanan] is, at most, 0.265 of a personality rather than half. |
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// Clarkson will be acclaimed as a God // |
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You were paying attention to the title right? |
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// Blatantly Idiotic Predictions for 2018 // |
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Because that one actually seems (remotely)
possible ... I'm pretty sure he's already acclaimed himself as
God, how many does he need before it's official? |
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Scientists finally find proof that [po] and [Awol] are mutual antiparticles, thus explaining why they should never meet... {and, curiously, why Trump's UK visit to meet HM QEII was postponed.} |
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// how many does he need before it's official? // |
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Think about it. It's a done deal; his initials are "J.C.", and he's part
of the Holy Trinity, along with Captain Slow and The Hamster. |
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Communion's going to be hilarious. |
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On 11 November 2018, the french will express sincere and genuine thanks to the Anglo-Saxon nations for rescuing them in the two World Wars of the 20th century. |
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There will follow a massive epidemic of pressure sores, eye infections, sore throats and tetraplegia, as across the world millions of British, Americans, Canadians, Indians, Australians and New Zealanders are paralyzed by the shock and can do nothing but sit in chairs, with eyes wide and unblinking, and mouths open, barely able to breathe as they struggle to comprehend the surreal and incomprehensible fact that the french can possibly evn pretend* to show gratitude. |
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*The idea that the french might really be grateful will not occur to anyone, since it is manifestly impossible. |
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In the late forties and early fifties, there was a lot of quite genuine
gratitude in France. My late mother encountered it in rural
Normandy. I suspect you get a false impression if you pay too
much attention to the Paris elite, who had obvious reasons for
being sulky. |
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Actually, it's not just in the forties and fifties; I think I saw a quite
recent story of an Australian visiting war graves in France, who
was served on the house in a local cafe, on grounds of pre-
payment by the boys in the ground down the road. |
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Come on borg, give a bit of credit where it's due. |
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Normandy. The clue's in the name. Normandy comes from "Northmen"; Normandy was colonized by Scandinavians - "Vikings" - not french. They displaced or enslaved the native gauls. |
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So yes, the Normans were, and are, immensely grateful, despite the tremendous damage done to many of their towns and villages, and the loss of civilian life, because they witnessed first hand the efforts and sacrifice that the Allies made on their behalf ... and they're not french. |
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Likewise, in Belgium, the inhabitants are tremendously respectful and grateful. That's probably the Dutch-Flemish bloodline manifesting itself. |
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As you point out, it's those malodorous gits in paris that are the problem. |
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//Normandy comes from "Northmen";// - nonsense!
Normandy was first ruled by,
and took its name from, King Norman and King Andrew,
the first ever same-sex job-share monarchy. |
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[Ian Tindale] will be hunted down by a mob, tarred and feathered, then hung by his balls from a sour apple tree. |
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Tourism in Newham will quadruple ovenight, as appreciative halfbakers visit from all over your planet, and queue patiently for hours for the chance to climb up the steps to the viewing platform to watch him drying slowly in the breeze. |
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//They displaced or enslaved the native gauls.// |
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Unconvincing; why, in that case, would the Normans have arrived
in England speaking French with a funny nordic accent, rather
than Norse with a funny french accent? |
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Leave that apple tree alone. It's listed. |
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Any tree will do, as long as it's tall an strong enough. It's simply that an apple tree is part of the tradition, like pumpkins at Halloween, or massive family rows at Christmas... |
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Quentin Tarantino will reboot the Star Trek franchise, where
he will also play McCoy, using the famous "A Piece of the
Action" episode as source material. The "Mr. Pink Shirt, Mr.
Red Shirt, Mr. Yellow Shirt" scene following an ambush of the
away team, coupled with the disqualification of all other Best
Director candidates due to sexual harassment allegations,
will finally bring him the coveted Best Picture and Best
Director Oscars. |
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Sadly, however, his reprise of the infamous "Dead Nigger Storage" rant from Pulp Fiction, played opposite Lt. Uhura, will result in his being burnt at the stake by an angry mob of white, middle-class liberals armed with agricultural hand tools and flaming torches. |
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[IanTindale] will get a job. [8th] will get a kitten. [bigs] will rediscover the joys of tobacco. Surprisingly, at least one of those things will turn out well. |
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The new US tax law will set everyone's rate to 5%, while
simultaneously requiring that such taxes be paid in Bitcoin.
The resulting crypto-currency rise wipes out the deficit and
leads to the rise of the Cryptea Party. |
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Yes, but the bureaucratic obstruction buys enough time for the
relevant testicles to escape unembosked. |
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You see, I've been learning from masters of the art. For more
than a year now, I've been working on a farrago of projects at a
large, public-sector organisation with everything outsourced, but
especially responsibility. Eighth Dan masters of obfuscjitsu, they
are. Kafka was an optimist. |
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Really ? How odd... we had previously been informed that he was a Bohemian, from Prague. Wikipedia must be wrong. |
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Presumably his parents were Optimists, then, because there's a plaque on the house in Prague where he was born. |
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No, Staré Mesto, shirley ? |
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// at least one of those things will turn out well. // |
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... but not for the kitten. |
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... or it might just be the wrong sort of beer. |
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The technological singularity will be achieved. No one will notice. |
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Extraterrestrial life forms will reveal that they have been present
on your planet for over 5000 of your Earth years, using your
behavior as the basis of a highly popular reality-TV comedy clip
show broadcast across the Galaxy. |
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This will be met with total indifference by almost every human*,
who will be so absorbed in pointless petty squabbling that they'll
be utterly uninterested** that everything they think of as "
history
" is available as a complete full-colour 3D free download. |
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The exception will be Richard Branson, who will claim, and
receive, staggeringly huge royalties, merely because he's the only
one who bothered to ask for them. |
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*except the ones that are convinced that JFK was shot by KGB
agents. |
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**The Borg will receive a prestigious award for understanding
the difference between "disinterested" and "uninterested". |
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No, [IT], that's elephants. Oranges aren't the only shade of elephants. |
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More often, they shelter under acacia trees. |
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So, if that's where we can find the oranges, presumably
the elephants hang around in rooms. |
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Only those rooms equipped with a properly designed, manufactured and installed elephant hanger. |
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It is essential to use such a hanger; if you just hang your elephant on a nail, the shoulders get pulled out of shape, particularly if the elephant has heavy items in the pockets. Then, you have to pay for it to be professionally ironed and pressed, unless if course you're the slovenly type who takes no pride in their appearance and is happy to wander round with a crumpled, wrinkly elephant. |
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Big Narstie will be offered a job reading the six o'clock BBC evening
news. |
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Prince Harry and Meaghan (?) Marcle will take over as full time
presenters of
BBC Radio 4's "Today" programme. |
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John Humphreys will be killed in single combat against Jeremy
Paxman, after telling him " If you strike me down I shall become
more powerful than you can possibly imagine ". |
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He will subsequently become more powerful than Jeremy Paxman
can possibly imagine. |
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Later, Harry and Meaghan (?) discover they are actually brother
and sister. |
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James Naughtie will turn out to be a diminutive 800 year old
green-skinned alien, masquerading as a diminutive 800 year old
green-skinned scotchman. |
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Prince Charles will admit that Camilla is in fact a Wookie having a
Very Very Bad Hair Day, and they are really Just Good Friends. He
will subsequently turn up at Stonehenge on the next Summer
Solstice, dressed in Jedi robes, and tell a press conference "These
aren't the Druids you're looking for". |
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Jeremy Clarkson will succeed in making the Kessel Run in less
than 12 parsecs. James May will snort derisively. Amazon Prime
will announce plans for a spaceborne battle station the size of a
small moon. Grand Moff Hammond will announce that he has no
further territorial ambitions in this quadrant, but considers that
fear will keep the local systems in line. Jeremy Paxman will warn
him not to be too proud of this technological terror he's
constructed.
James May will snort derisively, but with a slighty different
inflection. |
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Harry will fly his helicopter up Victoria Street below the level of
the buildings, and to everyone's amazement manage to hit the ray-shielded secondary exhaust port just below the main port of Labour Party HQ with a proton
torpedo. Unfortunately, Jeremy Corbyn will escape, disguised as
an ewok. |
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Later, it will be revealed that Jeremy Corbyn is, in fact, an actual ewok. |
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OK, we're here. Now what? |
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Now we screenshot these to see if any don't come
true. |
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By 2019, all unskilled jobs will be taken by robots. |
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This means you, halfbakers .... |
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Now hold on, I look nothing like a robot, and I don't
even want to take an unskilled labor job. |
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[Ian Tindale] will be discovered to be an algorithm. This news will be broken to him, causing him to reassess his views on the rise of artificial intelligence. In a twist of fate, the Halfbakery will turn out to be a person imagining all this stuff. |
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[po] finds the hb like button. |
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The Don finds the NK "hate" button. |
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There is much rejoicing .... |
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[Ian Tindale] fails the three-ring test. |
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And there is much rejoicing ... |
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I usually let it ring at least three times. But I don’t usually
leave a message. |
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The halfbakery gun debate will end on 12/31/2018 with
dre3 agreeing that all weapons more dangerous than steak
cutlery would be melted into one huge statue of Hillary
Clinton. |
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In a surprise move the offices of Pope & Caliph will be
merged ending a centuries long schism between the two
religions. |
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The Pope abdicates in favor Trump who is universally
acclaimed CaliPope. |
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To appease any Muslims who might be a
little miffed by the sudden (& unexpected) turn of events
he appoints Erdogan Holy Roman Emperor. |
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Led by Trump & Erdogan the Christian & Muslim nations
combine forces, retake the
holy land & exile all Israeli Jews to Scotland (the Scots
complain but no one pays them any attention)
where they
declare a new holy land claiming that due to recently
discovered errors in early cartography they just found
out about everyone got it wrong before, many are
heard to mutter "didn't want
that country anyway". |
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The new Israeli Scots expel the natives to A'Chill in the
Hebrides, which sinks under the weight & they all drown. |
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New Israel (as it's now called) leaves both the Union &
Europe unilaterally. |
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Tensions between New Israel & England rise due to "illegal"
settlements
that begin to pop up south of the border (the English say
they're not legal, the new
Scottish Israelis say they are & no one else cares)
culminating in a five day war (we didn't even last as long as
the Arabs) during which all the English are driven into
Wales. |
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The Welsh (having had enough of there unexpected guests)
convert en-mass to Judaism having found documents that
"prove" they're a lost tribe of Israel & all immigrate to
England (now a territory of Scotland.. sorry, "New Israel"). |
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Overcrowding (& a potato famine) in Wales causes the
English to begin a diaspora around the world, led by the
bankers, who are miffed at the loss of their shiny tall
buildings in London. |
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New Israel annexes what's left of Wales & the English
become a landless nation spread around the world & reviled
as unscrupulous bankers (thanks mainly to the unscrupulous
bankers who led the diaspora). |
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// unscrupulous bankers // |
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Tell us about the other sort of bankers, the honest, moral, caring, kindly ones. |
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We know nothing about them, and seek after knowledge. |
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//Tell us about the other sort of bankers, the honest, moral,
caring, kindly ones.// |
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Their called Mum & Dad (the "bank" of), you might know of
them,
I certainly do, not entirely sure about honest & moral
(I "think" they are, but I couldn't swear to it under oath), but
the kindly & caring bit (well.. to me anyway) they have down
pat
;p |
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// you might know of them, // |
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While we are familiar with the term, they seem not to be registered with any financial services regulatory authority. This is a concern. |
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You may think so, but we have the gravest doubts that you actually know for certain who your father is unless you can produce the results of an evidential DNA test. |
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Unless, that is, you're from certain notorious geographical areas, in which case your father is definitely your father. And your uncle. And quite possibly your brother... |
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Being privy to the disturbing results of M'Lud Buchanan's own ill-advised and amateurish research, we are not only convinced that his family tree is not in fact any sort of tree but bears a closer resemblance to a cross between a triffid, a venus fly-trap, and a form of mistletoe (a saprophytic parasite) but also sometimes such investigations are best left severely alone. |
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// not entirely sure about honest & moral (I "think" they are, but I couldn't swear to it under oath), // |
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They probably wouldn't either... |
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// but the kindly & caring bit (well.. to me anyway) they have down pat ;p // |
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It's a trick. They're lulling you into a false sense of security. |
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Not to be outdone by Cambridge Analytica, the newly formed
Oxford Analytica applies big data analysis to Halfbakery
database and selling the results to the highest bidder,
resulting in a measurable shift in public opinions regarding the
value of fish carcasses. |
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As a result, the makers of Vegemite produce Vagina Jam,
which is then taken off the market as being too similar for
the consumer to tell. |
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Robert Mercer is made to listen to 5 hours of One Direction,
waterboarded, tarred, feathered, shot by firing squad,
crucified, keel-hauled, placed in an iron maiden for 39
days, and drowned. Steve Bannon is simply forgotten. |
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5 hours is just beyond the pale. |
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Oxford Analytica actually exists, and has done at least since the early 90s. |
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They do economic analysis and one of their stronger selling points is that they have not yet been shown up, in the public record, as shameless evil pimps. I think they might call that a competitive advantage at the margin. |
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I note that the first item on their homepage is entitled "Cambridge Analytica: No Links". Hilarious. |
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At some point did these companies grow out of the dying
encyclopedia trade? It all makes sense, trying to define our
world for us then, too... |
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The art (or the implication) of keeping one's mouth shut
becomes a heady melange of negging and political one-
upmanship moving into the US primary election season.
T.C. Mits churns out multimedia statements aplenty, and
2018 begins to look like the year "a hush broke out". |
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The peace will be broken by Trump, spun by his apparat,
and derided by his opponents as "strong enough to open,
but made to keep quiet". Historians will note that the art
or practice had no effect on the elections' outcome, but
that one or the other position was best regardless who
said so last. |
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[xandram] will miss this post for the first time in over 15
years!! |
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As a result of gratuitous churning, this thread will return to the top of the "recent" list on 1 December 2018, thus reminding [IanTindale] that it's time for him to post "Blatantly Idiotic Predictions for 2019". |
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Erm, where's Blatantly Idiotic Predictions for 2019? |
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Sadly, as a consequence of [IT]'s departure and the resultant"swiss cheese" the majority of the "Blatantly Idiotic" predictions have been lost. |
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The wayback machine still lives... |
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